i haven't slept: the world keeps going. i've been asked if i was afraid to go to new jersey. i've been asked if i was afraid of war. what i'm really afraid of is going to sleep. when i wake up, it's going to be a different world, a world changed... let us pray that we can dedicate ourselves to our Lord more completely.
Rene Recato
SFC/YFC Seattle
John 15:12
In retrospect, I look back on the past few days as something all too unreal. But in the real sense of the word, it was all too real. And I'd like to keep my focus on the whole matter as that - in retrospect. Although we're a bit young to expect anything like this to happen, we are also old enough to grasp it for what it's worth. But in analyzing this whole ordeal with my head and my heart, I am compelled to mourn the turn of events this past week. The surrealness plagues and haunts me, and I can't help but ask the daunting question, "Why?"
I guess we will never truly get the answer we want to hear. As the minutes, hours, days, weeks, and months roll by, we will succumb ourselves to the law of the world. As Christians, we can't help but question our Creator why such a disaster had to happen. In essence, my heart is divided... as are the hearts of many, both Christian and non-Christian. As I told my friends and family in days passed, I am in an emotional whirlwind right now: anger, fear, sadness, confusion... sometimes I don't know which emotion I'm actually feeling.
And as much as I try to go through the daily routine of my life, I can't help but walk a beat faster than before; my life now ticks like a sensor that tries to detect the slightest abnormalities that may come my way. And for what? Besides the fact that I now fear for my life in this supposed "Land of the Free," I feel a need to find a lasting glimmer of hope in the human spirit I had lost this past September 11, 2001.
This "human spirit," which I highly believed in before, has been left to be nothing more than a light gone out. As those planes crashed through the Twin Towers in New York City, and into the Pentagon in D.C., I was no longer living in reality. Or so I thought. As I evacuated the building where I worked at and headed to my car, still I thought, "This can't be happening." When I attempted to make my way out of the city, clear of the ultimate danger zone, I realized that everything was truly happening before my eyes. The life I was living was now that movie script that I once dreamed of playing: Only this time, I didn't want to play the role being handed to me.
As I made my way through the busy streets, I was witness to one of the saddest aspects of human life. I now truly saw a land divided; people pitted against one another playing their game of "survival of the fittest." As I came to a street corner I attempted to make a turn into the busy street. All of a sudden it dawned on me that I was suddenly alone: my cell phone wouldn't work, I was in my car all by myself, I knew no one around me, and to make matters worse, people were driving by... nonchalantly avoiding the fact that I was trying my hardest to join them in their flight out of Washington, D.C.
People would drive by, peering at me through their peripherals, and one by one they would block my way -- assuring themselves a spot in the crowding traffic, yet leaving me on the side. At that moment I was driven to tears, with the disbelief at this monstrous display of what seemed to be "human kindness." I couldn't help but scorn God for allowing this madness to happen. But despite my anger I prayed nonetheless, and the Lord was there to alleviate my suffering.
My cell phone picked-up a call, and it happened to be my cousin, Faith, from Jacksonville, Florida. At the sound of her voice, I found reassurance once more. After our conversation, my mother called to let me know she was safe. Although I was still in the thick of traffic, I began to see true hope. However, as I continued to drive, my mind was devastated by the ugly display of selfishness that I had experienced prior to the phone calls. I was crushed, as my innocent view of the goodness of the human spirit was all of a sudden tarnished. I thought that with all those people who have lost their lives, all those people who had lost loved ones and homes, and all the suffering that our nation would endure. ... I could not believe that the people around me made the situation a game of self-survival rather than keeping it a race that we all should have been running together. Indeed, my view of the American human spirit had been tarnished, and I only pray that one day I'll begin to truly understand... for as I toiled along the crowded streets, I made way for my brother Mark who needed to get into the thick of traffic. As I drove past others who seemed all too confused of what was going on, I gave them a smile of reassurance that things would turn out for the best. And as I patiently listened to the news on the radio, I silently offered my prayers that all those around me would be saved before I would. That, to me, was the human spirit I once knew. So I acted on it.
As I look back, I know now that God was my enduring spirit throughout that whole ordeal. As walls crumbled around me, and as people began to realize the gravity of the attacks, I began to see God's redeeming love shining through the thick of the smoke. Despite the things that have crushed us, we are alive, and that's what is important. And as we remain alive, it is our duty to propogate our Faith to all who are willing to listen. By our examples shall we bring the American society back to Christ, and by our Faith shall we once again bring peace to a land that's full of strife.
We've lost things along the way... our plans for the week, our SFC conference, family events and gatherings; but I know now that these are sacrifices that don't compare to the sacrifices made by those courageous men, women, and children who lost their lives in the face of adversity. Even though I won't get to see my friends from all over the country this weekend, I am blessed to know that I, at least, have them as my friends. Even though I won't get to praise and worship the Lord with all of them, I am blessed to able to praise and worship with them in my heart. And even though I thought I had lost all hope in the human spirit, I am blessed to know that forgiveness through the Lord is what makes us reborn.
Time heals. I know I won't be able to forget the horrors that changed me this past September 11th. It may take me days, weeks, months, or even years to be able to let it go. But if I continue to walk with Christ, this battle will be overcome ten-fold. I ask you to walk with me, and with Christ, as we forge the battle that lies ahead.
In the face of anger, let's fight with love. In the face of fear, let's fight with courage. In the face of sadness, let's fight with enduring happiness. And in the face of confusion, let's fight with utmost conviction.
The battle has started. Let's ride it out together until the very end. -WL
wen(del ladringan)
sfc maryland|virginia
First published in CFC-Singles and Youth for Christ blogspace, This World
