Dear It's a Love Thang,

I think there are a few things going on here, but ultimately, I'd suggest you don't spend a lot of time or energy trying to determine if your mother is racist or not. It's likely to be a frustrating and disappointing exercise, and while I'm sure you want an answer to that question, I'd table it for now. I guess it's possible that she's having some inability to handle seeing you marry anyone, as if no one is good enough for her son, but you don't need me to tell you that's a long shot, right? Your best bet is to simply deal with the situation as it is.

Begin by understanding that you're part of a large group that shares this kind of problem. Whether it be race, religion, age, previous marital status or other issues, many of us have loved ones who vocalize their unjustified disapproval of our mate, even threatening boycotts of weddings and cutting off communication. These folks often act without regard for the toll it takes on the object of their scorn.

If Clare is the woman you've waited for, then be with her without reservation. Continue to invite your family and friends to share your happiness – both at the wedding, and before and after. It's unfortunate that someone is expressing such severe disapproval, especially mom, but she's making a choice, and with choices come consequences. You've invited her to be a part of your happiness, but her declining of the invitation is her loss. While you're right to be disappointed, her boycott of your wedding is nothing short of emotional blackmail, and that's not ok, so stand firm. I'm not sure it will be possible to ease everyone's fears as you hope, but you can begin to defuse an emotionally charged issue. Commit to Clare that you'll work hard with her to overcome the troubles you'll face, starting with mom.

As for mom, repeat to her exactly how strongly you feel about Clare. Tell her the way she's acting is hurting you, and that it would mean a lot to you if she'd participate in this event. You also need to tell her that it's her choice to skip the big day and anything else she misses. Is this harsh? Maybe. Might it mean you and mom have a strained relationship? Possibly. However, we've each got one life to live. We must make our own decisions without regard to the judgment of others, regardless of who they are. It's her decision, and while it's painful for you and Clare, it's out of your hands. Leave the door open for mom to come back in at some point, but don't force her to grovel for your acceptance. You can't unite the ones you love, they must do it themselves (mom needs to start), and that might not happen before you get married, but it could over time.

Good Luck,

Mike

Veronica Says...

Disclaimer:The expressed views and the opinions of any content/columns/articles within Gx Webzine is not neccessarly the expressed views and opinions of Gx Webzine. All information provided on this site is offered 'as is', without warrenty. All authors/columnist are responsible for their own articles/columns and Gx Webzine is unaware of any acts of unlawfulness and/or plagerism. If plagerism is found within the content of Gx Webzine, the author of the article/column will be responsible for any legal action that maybe taken by the original author of the content and Gx Webzine will be held blameless thereof.