You think you know The Real World but you have no idea. Jayne Denker elaborates on what makes a typical episode of The Real World . She predicts that the 11th season will turn out no differently, however, she can not look away. Because everyone knows that when you finally decide to turn the show off, that is when it surprises you the most and does something out of the norm and your hooked again.

I have watched "The Real World" from its second season (and I caught the first season in reruns) nigh on 10 years ago (this latest season is number XI because they're doubling up on seasons this year, damn MTV anyway), yet it is the bane of my existence. Why? It's because I HATE the show. I really do. Yet I am addicted to the thing. I don't like, and don't watch, all the other reality shows, like "Survivor" and "Big Brother"; however, the granddaddy of them all keeps me hooked. I say I can quit anytime I want to, but year after year I find myself tuning in to watch seven irritating people live in a house that looks like IKEA threw up, wearing very skimpy ugly clothing and getting into insane fights.

When I finished watching "The Real World X: Back To New York" a few weeks ago, I was massively relieved. I thought, "Now I can resume my life without that show interfering...at least until next summer." Then I found out that another "Real World" season was barreling down on me way too soon, as MTV decided to run a series in the winter for the first time. Angry at being ambushed like that, I decided that now would be the perfect time to quit cold turkey. I canceled the season pass on our Tivo. I didn't read anything about the Chicago cast. I planned on ignoring the premiere.

Then my husband found out I was going to try to break my addiction. He set the Tivo to record the first episode, just to make me crazy (he's lucky he's cute or I'd do him grievous harm). I let the recording sit for a couple of days, determined not to care if it was automatically deleted when the Tivo needed the space. Alas, however, I am weak. I watched the show.

I knew what was coming--heck, after 10 years of this, I can peg everything that's going to happen on the show by the middle of the premiere--so my mind started wandering, and I spent some time getting philosophical and reflecting on the concept of time.

First, and most basic: This show steals half an hour of my life every week for dozens of weeks a year, not counting the marathons I find myself sucked into once in a while. If I record the show, it helps a little, since a big chunk of the half-hour is filled with commercials. So let's estimate that the show steals 17 minutes of my life per week. Multiply that by 13 weeks a year, multiplied by 11 years, and by the time the Chicago season finishes, a grand total of more than 40 hours of my life will have been sacrificed to "The Real World". I want those 40 hours of my life back.

Second, I calculated how many years of my life have included "The Real World"--it amounts to nearly one-third of my life. One-third!

Third, and this is the big one: I have realized that my reaction to "The Real World" is a reflection on how much I've aged. The show first aired when I was in my mid-twenties. What do twentysomethings think when they watch the show? "I could be on this show...and I wouldn't behave that way...That guy's pretty cute...Living in that house seems like fun..." etc.

As I got older, however, I started reacting differently toward the show. When I hit my late twenties, I found myself criticizing not only the way the cast members behaved in the house, but also the overall superficiality of their lives and--of course--even the clothes they wore. ("Just you wait," I thought then. "You won't be able to wear that halter top to a REAL real job, you little hussy.") I also started to compare my size and shape with theirs and found I could still measure up in the figure department, so I didn't really hate them.

Then I hit my thirties and it got really ugly. Now I find I can't stand any of the cast members--they all look like they're 12, and the girls are all too skinny and have stupid hairstyles. They can't relate to other people diplomatically. They don't know how to behave at work. Heck, they don't know how to work! They're rude, obnoxious, egotistical, and downright immature.

Uh oh. I've become an old bat.

The question now is, Will I continue to watch "The Real World XI: Chicago"? Probably, although I don't have to, since I already know how it's going to play out. Here are my predictions on the fate of the three blonde chicks, the two gay people, the one black guy and the one football/frat guy after having seen only the first episode:

1. One of the three blonde chicks will be an incredible bitch and will alienate everyone in the house while claiming to be a victim. Another will have sex with anything that moves--male or female--and will blame it all on the booze. One will be a sweetie pie whom all the guys will eventually decide is far more attractive than the other two even though at first they didn't think she was all that cute.

2. The two gay people will form a close bond, causing some of the heterosexuals in the house to say they are shutting everyone else out in a case of reverse discrimination.

3. The football/frat guy will make insensitive remarks that will make at least one person, probably several, really angry. It will eventually dawn on him that some people don't, in fact, consider him God's gift to the planet, no matter how highly regarded he was (or thought he was) before he entered the house.

4. Two cast members (possibly the lesbian and the male who lusts after her) will start out as friends but end up getting into a huge fight. This may culminate in a deep, heart-to-heart talk with both of them ending up best friends afterward, weeping on one another's shoulders during the last show. Or they'll end up hating each other...but they'll still weep on one another's shoulders during the last show.

5. The person everybody likes initially will end up being hated by everybody by the end of the season.

6. The person everybody hates initially will still end up being hated by everybody by the end of the season.

7. At least one of the fish in the huge tank will die.

8. There will be a great deal of blurred-out nudity and grainy black-and-white night-camera footage of wriggling blankets for the sake of the "too hot for TV" videotape sales.

9. By the end of the season, all cast members will say they have learned so much, and grown, and they are now better, more understanding human beings.

10. By the end of the season, I will have made my vow that I will NOT watch another season of "The Real World".

Will all my predictions come true? Guess I'll just have to tune in to find out.

Jayne Denker is a thirty something writer who will work on just about any writing assignment, anyplace, anytime as long as it's something nifty associated with pop culture--especially GenX, of course--and/or entertainment. She is actually employed full time as a web content manager but also fills any free time she may happen to find on her hands with freelance writing assignments to offset the "manager" nonsense. Jayne lives with her husband and three psycho kitties (qu'est que c'est) in quite a small lakeside cottage in western New York state. When she's not writing or "managing," she enjoys loafing/watching movies, cleaning up after the psycho kitties, designing web sites, reading, and making magic. Contact Jayne

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