Does Simon from American Idol make you twitch? Do you have an uncontrollable urge to throw Jeff Probst from Survivor into the ocean? Do you wish that Joe Rogan from Fear Factor would lay down and let tarantulas crawl all over him? If so, join Melanie Burkes as she rants about our current obsession with Reality Programming. Is there an end in sight to our fascination with this "Reality?"

Once upon a time, in a land far, far, away - there was a concept on television and it was called "Original Programming." In this land, and at this time, writers and producers came up with a concept, created a script, hired actors, actresses and directors to "act out" the story that was created. These was usually packaged in 20-22 half-hour or hourly segments. The collection of these segments made up a "season" of a so-called sitcom or a drama series, and were promoted and distributed to major networks for the entertainment of an audience at large. Then one day, out of the woods came a big, old nasty wolf, that was brash, cheesy, and most importantly cheap. This big ole wolf scared a lot of the Original Programming away and it was called "Reality Programming." And since then, life just hasn't been the same.

Can you tell that I am not a fan of Reality Programming? Or have I been a bit too subtle so far? In any case, no matter what side of the fence you fall on for Reality shows - the reality is - they are taking over the airwaves. Every time I turn around there's a new Reality series on the air. Now don't get me wrong - when it first started out I was a fan. That was way back in the year of our Lord one thousand nine hundred and ninety-two with the creation of The Real World on MTV. When The Real World first came out - it was like nothing you had ever seen. It was story of all these cool twenty-something young adults living together and having their lives taped by a camera crew for months at a time. Because there had not been anything like it on television before - there was no pandering to the camera (ok reality check - there was a quite bit less pandering to the camera than there is now). People, were about as natural as you could be in a house full of video cameras. And that is where the reality shows should have begun and ended. But the powers-that-be that are behind the scenes in television have the same mentality as the powers-that-be in Hollywood movies studios: everyone loves a sequel. Thus we are on about the 11th or 12th season of The Real World on MTV. But I can't be mad - it's where it all began.

Then a couple of years ago - along came a concept called Survivor. And to be quite honest, when it first came on television, in the first season - I was hooked. There really hadn't been anything like it on American television before - and it was fascinating (I mean who wasn't riveted to the television during Susan-the-truck-driver's "Snake" speech to Kelly? I mean, that speech was even reprinted word for word in the Washington Post the next day). But once again - everyone loves a sequel - and thus we have Survivor 4 or 5 to look forward to this fall. But...once again, how mad can I be? It was the first of its kind. It's all the horrible, hair-brained shows that have followed that are driving me crazy.

At this point, there are so many different reality shows, that I could spend the rest of this column outlining and highlighting every single one. But - that would be boring. So, instead, I will divide them into two different categories: (A) the endurance of pain, humiliation, and suffering in the pursuit of cash and 15 minutes of stardom and (B): The endurance of pain, humiliation and suffering in the pursuit of a date and 15 minutes of stardom. As previously mentioned, the one that really got the ball rolling on Category A was Survivor. Some of its progeny include Big Brother, Amazing Race, Fear Factor (the most disturbing), and American Idol (the most recent). As for Category B - we really have to thank the Fox network for getting that one started with Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire, and ABC has shamelessly followed in its footsteps with The Bachelor, and Bachelorettes in Alaska. Also in this second category, I should at least mention the plethora of shows on UPN, WB and MTV that follow some poor hapless couple on a first date, as friends, and show producers comment via captions, or two-way paging, on how it's all going (which without exception, is usually badly).

Why is America ga-ga over reality shows? I am sure that there is some deep psychological answer to this. And if I had a master's degree or a PhD in psychology I would spend the next couple of paragraphs analyzing the deep psychosis of America, that makes us prone to tuning into these shows. However, since I only took Intro to Psych in my freshman year at school - I will explain it like this: we, as an audience, love to laugh at people making jackasses of themselves. (hence the short-run, but popular series on MTV). It's hilarious. Plus we love to see people do stuff that we would never do. Would I get on Fear Factor and climb in a pit full of squirming rats, or eat raw pigs testicles? Hell no - but it was a joy to watch some crazy contestant do that. Would I dress up in wedding dress, and humiliate myself on television, just for a 1 in 10 chance of marrying a millionaire? Nope - but it was quite entertaining to watch that crazy Darva Conger do it.

So is there any relief in sight? Probably not. Reality shows are the new "in" thing. And let's not forget the most important part - they're cheap. After choking down some bile and pig testicles, scaling a building, laying with rats, and being dragged by horses, I am only gonna net $50,000 on Fear Factor. That's about the same amount of money they pay Jennifer Aniston for about 2 minutes of her time. But fear not - Reality shows will soon fall off in the same manner that game shows did a couple of years ago after Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. Pretty soon there will be some other asinine genre that will capture all of our attention. When it does, despite all of my grumbling - I am sure I will be first in line to watch it like everyone else. I mean honestly, how else would I know about all of these shows if I didn't watch them too? But you wont tell anyone, will you?

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Melanie Burkes is a twenty something corporate attorney in Washington, D.C. Much to the chagrin of her parents and all of the banks holding her student loans, Melanie plans on quitting her job as a lawyer as soon as possible, and shall strike out for the wealth of riches that awaits her in the broadcast journalism field. In her spare time, Melanie likes to read current literature, prepare meals for her friends, and plots the overthrow of her current employer.