Dear 21,

You said it yourself: moving out will have serious repercussions. Declaring financial independence from your parents would take several years, leaving you with only an incomplete college degree with which to navigate the job market. You may not be able to finish your schooling until much later, since you will need to work full time in order to cover your living expenses. Therefore, I believe that bailing out of home would be an imprudent decision.

It is a waste to lose your college education for any man. Moving in with him is a tempting solution, but not recommended. As a naval girlfriend, you will be forced to move often, never establishing a career or strong ties. In addition, you will be dependant on him for financial support as well as companionship, something that a young relationship will not weather well. Finally, if you move in with him, you will never have the experience of living as an independent adult, leaving you ill-equipped to manage if he breaks up with you.

Since you are 21, your tactics are different than a 17 year old's. Start saving money. If you don't have an independent bank account, form one. Get a part-time job. Find a group of (female) friends who have similar plans and move in together off-campus. It is possible that since you are moving in with friends, your parents may be willing to continue supporting you. If your parents won't allow it during the school year, plan to find housing together after you graduate; it is far cheaper and much easier than living alone. Have a job with health-care benefits, insurance, etc. lined up so that as soon as you graduate, you can move on. Keep in perspective that it is only one more year.

Your parents sound fairly typical, restrictive and protective. However, their terms are not as unreasonable as you think; they are neither cruel nor arbitrary. From their point of view, you are still a child. What you need to do is prove to them that you are adult enough to both respect their wishes and make correct, mature, decisions. For example, use your good grades and clean record as a way of showing that you can be trusted to get work done on time even if you go out. Demonstrate that you aren't a hot-headed teenager and they may give you more leeway. The tone of your letter suggests to me that you are more childlike than you would like to believe. You want all the benefits without taking on the full responsibility, by your own admission. Perhaps reexamining your own attitudes would provide more insight on to their behaviors.

A final thought: of all the couples in my social group that were together three years or more when they graduated college, only four are still together.

Sincerely,

Veronica

Mike Says...

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