America loves The Osbournes. Mtv (once again) has unleashed a bit of reality television that the Generation X crowd just can't resist. The Osbournes have almost instantaneously become the biggest thing on television since the first season of Survivor. The Osbournes have been nothing less than purely entertaining as we watch them muddle through their not so normal lives. We challenge you to watch just one episode and not get hooked. It simply can't be done.

They have been everywhere. They have been on the cover of Rolling Stone. They have been guests of Howard Stern. They have even attended the White House Correspondents' Dinner, and have bantered with the President. They're not the Cosbys. They're not the Bradys. They're not even the Bundys. (That would be Al Bundy of Married with Children fame. Not Ted Bundy, the serial killer). They're the Osbournes, and they are the hottest thing on television since the Playboy edition of Fear Factor.

Unless you have been hiding under a rock, you should have heard of the Osbournes by now. That would be Ozzy Osbourne, former lead singer of Black Sabbath, and his brood. There is Sharon his wife, and his two children, Kelly and Jack. (Actually - there are three children, although one had (wisely) moved out of the house before taping started). The Osbournes is a new "reality" series airing on MTV, which follows the Osbournes in their everyday life. From Ozzy and his record store appearances and concerts, to his wife, Sharon's, ongoing feud with the tacky neighbors, to the kids - Kelly and Jack's trials and tribulations of puberty - birthday parties, vagina doctors, and the such. Trust me, this may sound like mayhem, but the Osbournes is a whole new world - and along with the rest of the country, I am loving it.

The genesis of The Osbournes came about after an episode of MTV's Cribs aired showcasing them. Once again, in case you have been under a rock, Cribs is an MTV staple that follows current actors/musicians/celebrities/sports stars of the moment around their often ostentatiously decorated brand spankin' new mansions, as they showcase their brand-new money. (Question - as an aside, how in the world do these brand new "stars" afford some of these mansions? I mean how many songs have Ludacris or Sisqo had for them to afford five brand new cars? Hasn't anyone learned from the painful lesson of MC Hammer?! - But I digress). Back to the Osbournes - apparently their cheeky antics on Cribs were so endearing that MTV decided to follow Ozzy and his crew, just to chronicle their wacky lives - and wacky they are.

I really don't think I can do justice in describing the show. But in the interest of you, the reader, I will attempt a brief outline, just to give you some idea of the show's flava:

Ozzy Osbourne: A fifty-something rocker, most well known for biting the heads off of bats as a warm-up for his stage shows. However, Ozzy is endearing in his old age. Ozzy spends most of the episodes shuffling around the house like the burnt-out old rocker that he is, in a desperate attempt to keep up with his wife and kids. Despite the fact that he is worth more than $50 million, Ozzy is not above cleaning up dog poo and taking out garbage. As I am watching this in disbelief, I wonder - can't he pay someone to do this?

Sharon Osbourne: The brains and brawn of the family - a true firecracker. Ozzy's longtime wife, and manager is a trip. Ironically, in this relationship, she's the crazy one. Most demonstrative of her crazy streak is the episode in which she, in a fit of rage at the neighbor's incessant playing of music at 2:00 a.m., hurls a cooked ham over the fence, and claims that it looks like the neighbor's wife's __________ (you fill in the blank). Now that's classy.

Kelly Osbourne: Ozzy's 17-year-old daughter, whose hair color changes every other episode. (Last episode, it was chartreuse). She's a typical teenager, except, well, she's an Osbourne so the "f" word flies as freely as hello and goodbye. That, and the fact that her 17th birthday party's theme was the occult - including weegie boards, fortune tellers and the such. You know, just a typical teenager.

Jack Osbourne: Is the youngest of the brood at 15. He's also typical, except his Mohawk, which he shaved in the 2nd episode. That and the fact that he is out at raves until 4:00 in the morning, and he has relatively calm conversations with his parents about his pot use - which they are against.

Despite my outlandish descriptions, this is your typical all-American family - which is what makes the show so good, and so popular. It is clear that the Osbournes are a close-knit family who truly loves each other, and go through your typical family issues. For example, in a recent episode, Ozzy and Sharon flipped out at Kelly's itsy bitsy tattoo that she got out with her friends. (I realize this is ironic/hypocritical considering the fact that almost every inch of Ozzy from the waist up is covered in ink - but parents have rules too). Or, Sharon and Ozzy's concern, about whether Jack will like camp or not (The ultimate verdict was that he hated it - too many tree huggers). As Ozzy so aptly quoted - how the f*&% can you feed a tree, before you feed yourself?

I know that I have tried to describe some of their antics here, but none of my descriptions does the show justice. You just gotta see it. They are a wacky bunch - but one that you gotta love. I subscribe some of it to the British accents - there's something about a British accent that allows them to say some things that sound cute and witty, but that would be just crass with an American accent. But the real reason that I love the Osbournes is that they love each other just for who they are, and for nothing else. And that's what I genuinely want to see between a family - even if it does include headless bats. Hey - nobody's perfect.

 

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Melanie Burkes is a twenty something corporate attorney in Washington, D.C. Much to the chagrin of her parents and all of the banks holding her student loans, Melanie plans on quitting her job as a lawyer as soon as possible, and shall strike out for the wealth of riches that awaits her in the broadcast journalism field. In her spare time, Melanie likes to read current literature, prepare meals for her friends, and plots the overthrow of her current employer.

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