Coping With Spring Break, cont.

A good way to meet people during spring break is to sign up for an EAP (Embibement Assistance Program). Most quality beach communities have a local branch. After riding a horse in a bikini, many fine ladies are either unwilling or unable to purchase enough alcohol to keep them medicated properly in this special time. Maybe it's the heat, maybe it's the relentless fasting necessary to keep their young bodies slim and attractive. Whatever the reason, if these women should fail to drink at least 10 gallons of domestic beer per day, they run the risk of hormonal imbalance (often resulting in irritability and journal-keeping). Here we see the helpful EAP volunteers performing an emergency Pabst Blue Ribbon Infusion.

Not everyone can make it to the beach for Spring Break. If you're in a more moderate climate zone for the duration of March, April, and/or May this can do terrible things to your psyche. You may want to join a Renaissance Society and pretend you're a "Crazy Hag of the Woods" like the woman at right, but I wouldn't reccomend it. The advantage of being alone in Springtime at a place like Baltimore is that it's pretty ugly and it rains a lot. This sounds bad, except that it's very prosaic, and what you can do is walk around and pretend you're in a movie.

Everyone always relates to a sad guy walking around in the rain with some Bruce Springsteen playing in the background. Thus, when you are alone, walking through an overcast and desolate urban landscape, humming "Philadelphia" to yourself, you are empathized with by the entire world. That is something special. You are quite amazing!

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