Yes I'm scared, scared shitless, scared witless
hitless for there is nothing for my clenched
hands to hit
but everything
everything I don't see around me
surrounding me
so hard to see beautiful people and happy people
and smart people
people I spend my days with, share my ways
with
so hard to see them hurt and hurt
so hard not to sob, I don't sob, I don't cry
I don't have a sick feeling in my stomach,
like every bit of common sense, every wise word, everything I know to be
true is coming back to haunt me
but I don't know
I never do
but there's a drumbeat, a rhythm all through
the feeling
so I can loose myself
be only motion, not emotion
lose my heart, or rather put it somewhere
safe for a while
as safe as not reading
as safe as a scribbled out word
safer than razors that are strangers to me
safer than strangers who might beat me or
rape me or maybe not smile
and look through me
I want them to stop looking through me
