This first specimen is, I believe, the precise shade and tone of diarrhea.

And its twin! Did the manufacturer really believe that the plastic holly berries would maybe camouflage the nauseating green of the bow?

Ah, nothing screams Christmas like a delightfully obscure light-up camel.

This rotten design is actually corrugateed steel. If that's not tacky enough for you, check out the glee blushing from the faces of Mama and the kids. They have no noses!

I discovered this fantastically creepy item on eBay. It's actually a segment of a holographic crucifixion. Don't you jest want to snuggle him?

And here's a space-age drummer boy for your lawn, pounding on what I believe to be his actual illuminated ball sack.

This may certainly be one of two things--a flimsy, retina-scathing gingerbread man decoration--or the terrifying offspring of Beezlebub!

Why don't you just scrawl a smiley face on your ass, moon the Polaroid, and send copies out as Christmas cards?!

Isn't this Santa's expression one of absolute terror and strange zeal? And what is that pile he's stepping on? Poop?

I'm presuming this is supposed to be a dove, featuring a mohawk. A very special item, yours for the sale price of $19.99!

Please, help me escape from Care-a-Lot! While you're at it, please brutally take vengeance against the derelict who designed this catastrophe.

Jesus Loves You. Jesus was also flamboyant. That outfit looks precisely worthy of Elton John!

This blemish in any Christmas catalog was titled Gold Lame Angel. That's gold lam-ay, although I would agree that this ornament, aluminum candle erection and all, is undoubtedly lame.

I jest wish to know why I found this lawn decor in the inventory list of a Christmas webpage.

Yet another ornament to be categorized as peculiarly named, this was titled as Moose Ornament. Forgive me, but those are bears. They are also unbelievably kitsch, in a rotten manner.

The androgyny of this plastic Mrs. Claus is ghastly enough, but the website was selling this in a value pack of six. Could you use six Mrs. Clauses, all of whom resemble Jack Lemmon, in your yard? You know, Santa, polygamy is usually frowned upon.

Santa, appearing proposterously overjoyed, although he is presently sans a penis. This is just too disturbing--please scroll down immediately.

This Vicious Moments figure was titled Oh, How I Love Jesus. I'm not sure whether that title is more degrading or just plain goofy. What the #*&@ does it have to do with Jesus?! Did Native Americans keep dogs as pets?! Could they afford this boy a better haircut?! Why does he look like he's about to break down and sob--?!

Designer A: Well, we've made so much progress on our newest nativity scene--we even made Jesus white and smacked him on a rock bed. What could we possibly add to this?

Designer B: Hmm, well, I think what it is just yearning for--are some fiber optic wires, jutting awkwardly about the Holy Family members' heads.

Designer A: By God, I'm promoting you!

Snow is my life--? Could this have been any less clever or incoherent? I hope this is microwavable.

Watch out--if you so desire to assemble an army consisting of these gluttonous snowmen, they may be in close enough proximity to plot to take over the world--.

This is the snowman decoration of whom all of the other ornaments make fun. Ship him out with all of the misfit toys!

This cherub appears stoned. Maybe he borrowed the snowman's pipe, above.

Is it a bulb ornament? Is it a fir tree? Is it revolting in its dazzling lopsided glory? No, no, and yes.

Ahh, just the most appropriate stocking stuffer to frighten the kids to death! If you stare at his glaring mulberry nose long enough, you may begin to become very, very sleepy--.

Merry Chritmas, from your friendly neighborhood brothel!

I didn't know UPS shipped packages like this in overnight delivery--from purgatory!

Alone, this is disgusting enough, but--wait! Is that--Osama Bin Laden on the left?!

Finally, I've salvaged the ugliest for last:

I hope that, while browsing through this page, you may have been inspired by what not to decorate within or around your house. I considered addressing Hannukah on this page, but Jews apparently don't experience symptoms of a lack of taste around the holiday season. I haven't come across any agonizing Hannukah decor. With that, I wish to remind you to have a Merry Christmas, and don't forget the true meaning of Christmas!

--Which is, of course--