Twenty-Two Travel Tips

1. Always bring in your carry-on:
   • clean underwear (you never know how long your plane will be delayed)
   • water
   • a Walkman (free headphones for the airline movie)
   • something to read
   • gum
   • if room, a pillow.

2. In a foreign country, always buy a phone card, as you will end up needing it.

3. In countries that do not use the Roman alphabet, always have a map in both English and the native language.

4. When you get to a new country, immediately learn how to ask if they speak English, and how to say "Please," "Thank you," and "How much is this?"

5. Never bungee cord yourself into your train compartment in order to keep out the thieves who will gas you in your sleep and steal your bags (it pisses off the Italian conductors).

6. Don't piss off the Italian conductors (they will steal your bags).

7. If you are going to crash your rented moped in Greece, accelerate and hold on tight--you can push your way through anything.

8. If something does stop your moped, immediately get the other guy to admit that you had the right of way and the accident was his fault.

9. Do not cut off a Greek bus driver while driving a moped. Laughing maniacally, he will run you over.

10. Holes in the ground in bathrooms in Spain do not mean that someone has stolen the toilets--they are the toilets.

11. BYOTP (Bring Your Own Toilet Paper) is always a good rule to follow, as is BYOHW(Bring Your Own Handi-Wipes).

12. You cannot communicate your desired destination to your cab driver with your eyes, so make sure he knows where you want him to take you. Otherwise, you might end up in Croatia, in the middle of a war.

13. Sleeping nude in the unisex group sleeping room at the hostel is frowned upon, especially when you have to climb up to the top bunk.

14. If you are desperate and broke enough, there is always some way to get on the train (keep moving, and use the bathrooms and luggage racks).

15. If you have to sleep in a public place, try to wrap some part of each piece of luggage around an appendage and then sleep on top of all of it.

16. Do not bring luggage with wheels to countries with cobblestones.

17. When eating food from street vendors, avoiding meat is usually a safe bet.

18. When comparing the American and French education systems with a man on a nude beach, maintain eye contact. Don't look down.

19. The people at nude beaches are generally much nicer, more interesting, and less drunk than those at the popular beaches.

20. If your innkeeper has four teeth, a barbed wire fence around her hotel, and you hear blood-curdling screams throughout the night, it’s best to just find a new hotel the next day.

21. Swearing at the guards at St. Peter's Cathedral in the Vatican when they won't let you in because you are wearing shorts is bad form.

22. The first night you get to Paris, buy a bottle of wine, a corkscrew, a baguette, and some cheese, and go sit next to the fountain at the museum across the way and have your breath taken away by the beauty and wonder of it all.