THE DAILY TRAVESTY for January 26,
2000
Volume 1, Issue 18
God's Total Quality Management
Questionnaire
God would like to thank you for your belief and
patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few
moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your
responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose
your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or
suggestions.
1. How did you find out about your
Deity?
___ Newspaper
___ Bible
___ Torah
___ Book of
Mormon
___ Koran
___ Divine inspiration
___ Dead Sea Scrolls
___ My
mama done tol' me
___ Near-death experience
___ Near-life
experience
___ National Public Radio
___ Tabloid
___ CNN
___ Burning
shrubbery
___ Other (specify): _____________
2. Which model
Deity did you acquire?
___ Yahweh
___ Father, Son & Holy
Ghost [Trinity Pak]
___ Jehovah
___ Jesus
___ Krishna
___ Zeus and
entourage [Olympus Pak]
___ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
___
Allah
___ Satan
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ God 1.0a (hairy
thunderer)
___ God 1.0b (cosmic muffin)
___ None of the above; I was taken
in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all
parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing
attributes?
___ Yes
___ No
If no, please describe the problems you
initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply:
___ Not
eternal
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire
cosmos
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ Not infinitely plastic
(incapable of being all things to all creations)
___ Permits sex outside of
marriage
___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo
Rivera, Jesse Helms)
___ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good
people
___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
___ Requires burnt
offerings
___ Requires virgin sacrifices
___ Plays dice with the
universe
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to
acquire a Deity? Please check all that apply.
___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason
to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed focus in whom to
despise
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Wanted to know Jesus in the
Biblical sense
___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
___ Hate to think for
myself
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ Wanted to
piss off parents
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Desperate need for
certainty
___ Like organ music
___ Need to feel morally superior
___
Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do
it
5. Have you ever worshipped a Deity before? If so, which false
god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
___ Mick
Jagger
___ Rajanish
___ Baal
___ The almighty dollar
___ Bill
Gates
___ Left-wing liberalism
___ The radical right
___ Ra
___
Beelzebub
___ Barney T.B.P.D.
___ The Great Spirit
___ The Great
Pumpkin
___ The sun
___ Elvis
___ Cindy Crawford
___ The moon
___
TV news
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other:
________________
6. Are you currently using any other source of
inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
__
Tarot
__ Lottery
__ Astrology
__ Television
__ Fortune cookies
__
Ann Landers
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics
__ Palmistry
__
Playboy/Playgirl
__ Self-help books
__ Sex, drugs, rock and roll
__
Biorhythms
__ Alcohol
__ Bill Clinton
__ Tea leaves
__ EST
__
CompuServe
__ Mantras
__ Jimmy Swaggert
__ Crystals (not including
Crystal Gayle)
__ Human sacrifice
__ Pyramids
__ Wandering in a
desert
__ Burning shrubbery
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ Barney Fife
__
Other: ___________
7. God employs a limited degree of divine
intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith.
Which would you prefer (circle one)?
a. More divine
intervention
b. Less divine intervention
c. Current level of divine
intervention is just right
d. Don't know... what's divine
intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level
of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of
the following (1=satisfactory, 5=excellent):
Disasters:
flood 1 2
3 4 5
famine 1 2 3 4 5
earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
war 1 2 3 4 5
pestilence
1 2 3 4 5
plague 1 2 3 4 5
spam 1 2 3 4 5
AOL 1 2 3 4 5
Miracles:
rescues 1 2 3 4
5
spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
stars hovering over jerkwater towns 1 2
3 4 5
crying statues 1 2 3 4 5
water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
walking
on water 1 2 3 4 5
VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5
Saddam Hussein
still alive 1 2 3 4 5
getting any sex whatsoever 1 2 3 4 5
Do
you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of
God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)
If
you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our
conveniently located drop-off boxes by February 5th you will be entered in
the
One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are
approximately one in 6,023,000,000 depending on number of beings
entered).
Thanks to Erin W. for sending that my
way.
As always, if you
would like to contribute anything to this publication, your work or
not-your-work, in the form of a story, poem, quotation, essay, letter, opinion,
satire, monologue, statement, speech, holy transmission, prayer, curse, or any
other form under the sun, whether or not it has a name, please feel free to
do so. We only ask that it be relatively SHORT. We also reserve the
right to edit your submission, but we promise to let you and everyone else know if we do (and we don't intend
to).
REPRINT WHAT YOU
LIKE. "Words are thought, and thought is
free."