But yet, as if in answer
to a prayer, along comes England v Argentina. Now the World Cup
begins properly.
If you're checking your
group tables, you'll be fully aware of the following; Argentina
are one of the favourites to win it all, and England have been playing
like tarts. Should be a walkover for the lads from the South Atlantic
with the bad hairstyles. But this game, my friends, is different
- a prime example as to how the World Cup transcends mere sport
and provides a platform where two diverse nations can meet on a
level playing field - only for Argentina to cheat their arses off
and we can boo and hiss at them and feel morally superior, even
though we haven't beat them them for, ooh, decades..
To be honest, I really
don't understand Argentina's hatred of England (and it is
just England - it's nothing to do with Wales, Scotland or Ireland).
Sure, we had a war with them 20 years ago, but you may recall it
was all started by the Argentinian junta - most English people are
of the opinion that it was a bullshit conflict and a complete waste
of life. The best reason that any right-thinking English person
could ever have to hate Argentina is that, if they hadn't decided
to invade the Falklands, Margaret Thatcher would have been out on
her arse after one term. Bastards.
But the sheer noise and
bile being vented at us right now from Argentina is outrageous.
Pant-pissingly funny, sure, but their desperation to stuff us is
frightening. It's like hearing the rantings of those Japanese
soldiers who came out of their holes nearly 30 years after Hiroshima.
To get you in the mood for the game, here's a potted history of
why Argentina and England are the Biggie & Tupac of world football...
Turn Of The Century
British sailors introduce
Argentina to the beauty of Football. They instantly go berserk for
it.
1966
The real niggle starts.
England
and Argentina meet in the quarter-finals, and the South American
chaps do not play fair at all. Arge captain Antonio Rattin
is a dirty cheaty monkey, and refuses to leave the pitch after being
sent off - and sulks about like a teenager who can't go and see
Slipknot on the pitch for eight minutes before being escorted
off. Even worse, when England score and a cheeky urchin runs on
the pitch to celebrate, he get clouted round the ear by an irate
Arge defender. Boo! After the game, England manager Sir Alf Ramsey
calls the Argentinians 'animals' and rips an England shirt out of
the hands of an Arge player. This may have something to do with
their animosity towards us, but we don't care because we'e going
to win the World Cup. Tee hee!
1968 - 71
Argentian club
sides kick lumps out out European teams such as Man United in the
Intercontinental Cup, an annual two-leg match between the champions
of Europe and South America. Their reputation as fiendish heels
is cemented.
1977
Argentina come
to Britain to play a friendly against England. People go 'Ooh' and
'Ahh' at their silky brilliance, and feel very inferior indeed,
seeing as we're not going to the World Cup because we suck arse.
1978
Argentina host
the World Cup, which lots of people are quite miffed at seeing as
their junta enjoy kidnapping and torturing people who disagree with
them. Believe it or not, they actually fenced off ghettoes and painted
murals on the walls to fool foreign media. Brilliant World Cup,
though - every time their team comes out, entire stadiums throw
ticker tape and it looks amazing (not so good, however, when English
supporters try it the following autumn) Argentina are on form, but
had to bribe Peru to get to the final. In second place on goal difference,
they have to beat Peru by four clear goals - and they end up winning
6-0. And the next day, Peru's estimate $40 million debt to Argentina
disappeared. Fancy that.
Argentina go
on to win the final, thanks to a dirty tricks campaign against Holland
- mass drumming outside their hotel, an 'accidental' detour the
team coach took on the way to the stadium which resulted in them
stuck in a village surounded by bonkers locals, the way Argentina
refused to start the game until a Dutch player had another bandage
on his arm cast, and so on. The Dutch team were interviewed recently,
and to a man they were convinced that there was no way the referee
was going to let them win that game, and if they had have won, they
wouldn't have made it out alive...
However, Tottenham
Hotspur signed two of the Argentian side - Ossie Ardiles and Ricky
Villa - who become the first real imports to the English game and
genuine heroes - Ossie even had a song written about him by Chas
& Dave about his first FA Cup final. It;s fucking horrible.
1982
The Falklands
War. Nasty. Argentina and England don't meet (they'e both shite)
but our rabidly jingoistic papers have a wank when Argentina lost
their opening game to Belgium. "THEY STRUTTED, THEY CHEATED,
AND AFTERWARDS THEY BLEATED" said The Sun, the same paper who
greeted the sinking of the General Belgrano and the death of over
1,000 Argentinians wih "GOTCHA".
1986
Maradona. Hand
Of God. That dribble from the halfway line. Agh. No shit, their
captain Roberto Perfumo was interviewed in a Brit newspaper recently
and he actually said "In 1986, winning that game against
England was enough. Winning the World Cup that year was secondary
for us. Beating England was the real aim". Argentina go
on to win it, too.
1990
If we had beaten
Germany in the semis, we would have met Argentina. And we would
have killed them. Rat's Cocks.
1994
No England participation,
but Argentina give us all a good laugh when Maradona fails a piss
test. "They have taken my legs from me!" says Dirty Diego.
"Hurrah!" say the English. Actually, we're fascinated
by the man - Cambridge gave him an honorary degree not long afterwards
and when he came to collect it refused to make any public appearances,
as he was shitting himself. When it was time to fly home, he went
to Heathrow on the Tube in a mac, hat and sunglasses. And when someone
recognised, the whole carriage hassled him for autographs, got him
to jugle an orange with his foot and shook his hand for the best
goal ever scored in a World Cup. Are we shit at hatred or what?
1998
Best game of
the tournament - England v Argentina in the second round. David
Beckham reacts to a niggly tackle by kicking out like a big girly
wuss and gets sent off at the beginning of the second half. I still
get upset about this, even though England had about as much chance
of going on to win as Richard Simmons would have against Mike Tyson.
2002
A rough transcript
of BBC radio's broadcast of the World Cup draw...
"...and
we're still waiting to see who will be in England's group...we'd
be happy with Germany, even Brazil...oh fucking JESUS! WE'VE GOT
BASTARD ARGENTINA! AND THEY'RE GOING TO BATTER US LIKE A CHIPPERFIELD
CHIMP! NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOO!" (told you it was a rough transcript.
Actually, I think the last few bits could have been what I said.
But anyway)
And it's really
funny, but that's the general consensus over here. We knew we were
in a difficult group, and we were banking on getting over on Sweden
and Nigeria to get us into the knockout stage. Amazingly, the overall
feeling towards Argentina over here is the worst of all - pity.
We feel sorry for them that their economy is in a right state, and
we know that if they win, it'll give them a massive boost (actually,
out of all the countries in the World Cup, Argentina are under the
most pressure to win, the poor bastards).
But if England
lose tomorrow, we'll be as good as out, and Summer will be cancelled,
and...oh God, it does not bear thinking about. I'm dreading this
game and have been looking forward to it all year at the same time...
Naturally, I
took the day off work. When I started me new job, I asked about
time off or it before enquiring about pettier details like pensions
and all that shit. I'll be in the pub from, ooh, 7am tomorrow. If
all goes well, by this time tomorrow I shall be rolling about in
the streets of London as euphoric as a dog that has just discovered
that he can actually lick his own genetalia. On the other hand,
if we lose, I might be rolling about in the streets of London in
search of a speeding bus.
I want me Mam.
I'm scared.
|