Fucking hell fire. What a palaver. The URL's shagged up, I've been out of town, the greatest sporting event in the world ever is on, South Korea and America have come good, Ireland are making Roy Keane's gardening leave an absolute hell on earth, Rivaldo made the entire world piss itself laughing, France are right up Arsehole Street, Argentina are frothing at the mouth to get to England...

And I'm missing it. Thanks to the stupid times of kick-offs, a new job that I'm gagging to keep hold of, and an endless parade of hassle and bullshit, I am standing with me nose pressed to the window like a Dickensian orphan in the snow.

Don't get me wrong - I'm still getting up early to catch the 7am games, straining to hear the radio at work, and pegging it into the pub at dinnertime to catch half a game, but let's be honest here - watching the World Cup in the morning is like watching a porn film with your Mam. It's just not right.

Day 7:

OH MY GOD, HERE COMES ARGENTINA AND WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE

June 6th 2002

But yet, as if in answer to a prayer, along comes England v Argentina. Now the World Cup begins properly.

If you're checking your group tables, you'll be fully aware of the following; Argentina are one of the favourites to win it all, and England have been playing like tarts. Should be a walkover for the lads from the South Atlantic with the bad hairstyles. But this game, my friends, is different - a prime example as to how the World Cup transcends mere sport and provides a platform where two diverse nations can meet on a level playing field - only for Argentina to cheat their arses off and we can boo and hiss at them and feel morally superior, even though we haven't beat them them for, ooh, decades..

To be honest, I really don't understand Argentina's hatred of England (and it is just England - it's nothing to do with Wales, Scotland or Ireland). Sure, we had a war with them 20 years ago, but you may recall it was all started by the Argentinian junta - most English people are of the opinion that it was a bullshit conflict and a complete waste of life. The best reason that any right-thinking English person could ever have to hate Argentina is that, if they hadn't decided to invade the Falklands, Margaret Thatcher would have been out on her arse after one term. Bastards.

But the sheer noise and bile being vented at us right now from Argentina is outrageous. Pant-pissingly funny, sure, but their desperation to stuff us is frightening. It's like hearing the rantings of those Japanese soldiers who came out of their holes nearly 30 years after Hiroshima. To get you in the mood for the game, here's a potted history of why Argentina and England are the Biggie & Tupac of world football...

Turn Of The Century

British sailors introduce Argentina to the beauty of Football. They instantly go berserk for it.

1966

The real niggle starts. England and Argentina meet in the quarter-finals, and the South American chaps do not play fair at all. Arge captain Antonio Rattin is a dirty cheaty monkey, and refuses to leave the pitch after being sent off - and sulks about like a teenager who can't go and see Slipknot on the pitch for eight minutes before being escorted off. Even worse, when England score and a cheeky urchin runs on the pitch to celebrate, he get clouted round the ear by an irate Arge defender. Boo! After the game, England manager Sir Alf Ramsey calls the Argentinians 'animals' and rips an England shirt out of the hands of an Arge player. This may have something to do with their animosity towards us, but we don't care because we'e going to win the World Cup. Tee hee!

1968 - 71

Argentian club sides kick lumps out out European teams such as Man United in the Intercontinental Cup, an annual two-leg match between the champions of Europe and South America. Their reputation as fiendish heels is cemented.

1977

Argentina come to Britain to play a friendly against England. People go 'Ooh' and 'Ahh' at their silky brilliance, and feel very inferior indeed, seeing as we're not going to the World Cup because we suck arse.

1978

Argentina host the World Cup, which lots of people are quite miffed at seeing as their junta enjoy kidnapping and torturing people who disagree with them. Believe it or not, they actually fenced off ghettoes and painted murals on the walls to fool foreign media. Brilliant World Cup, though - every time their team comes out, entire stadiums throw ticker tape and it looks amazing (not so good, however, when English supporters try it the following autumn) Argentina are on form, but had to bribe Peru to get to the final. In second place on goal difference, they have to beat Peru by four clear goals - and they end up winning 6-0. And the next day, Peru's estimate $40 million debt to Argentina disappeared. Fancy that.

Argentina go on to win the final, thanks to a dirty tricks campaign against Holland - mass drumming outside their hotel, an 'accidental' detour the team coach took on the way to the stadium which resulted in them stuck in a village surounded by bonkers locals, the way Argentina refused to start the game until a Dutch player had another bandage on his arm cast, and so on. The Dutch team were interviewed recently, and to a man they were convinced that there was no way the referee was going to let them win that game, and if they had have won, they wouldn't have made it out alive...

However, Tottenham Hotspur signed two of the Argentian side - Ossie Ardiles and Ricky Villa - who become the first real imports to the English game and genuine heroes - Ossie even had a song written about him by Chas & Dave about his first FA Cup final. It;s fucking horrible.

1982

The Falklands War. Nasty. Argentina and England don't meet (they'e both shite) but our rabidly jingoistic papers have a wank when Argentina lost their opening game to Belgium. "THEY STRUTTED, THEY CHEATED, AND AFTERWARDS THEY BLEATED" said The Sun, the same paper who greeted the sinking of the General Belgrano and the death of over 1,000 Argentinians wih "GOTCHA".

1986

Maradona. Hand Of God. That dribble from the halfway line. Agh. No shit, their captain Roberto Perfumo was interviewed in a Brit newspaper recently and he actually said "In 1986, winning that game against England was enough. Winning the World Cup that year was secondary for us. Beating England was the real aim". Argentina go on to win it, too.

1990

If we had beaten Germany in the semis, we would have met Argentina. And we would have killed them. Rat's Cocks.

1994

No England participation, but Argentina give us all a good laugh when Maradona fails a piss test. "They have taken my legs from me!" says Dirty Diego. "Hurrah!" say the English. Actually, we're fascinated by the man - Cambridge gave him an honorary degree not long afterwards and when he came to collect it refused to make any public appearances, as he was shitting himself. When it was time to fly home, he went to Heathrow on the Tube in a mac, hat and sunglasses. And when someone recognised, the whole carriage hassled him for autographs, got him to jugle an orange with his foot and shook his hand for the best goal ever scored in a World Cup. Are we shit at hatred or what?

1998

Best game of the tournament - England v Argentina in the second round. David Beckham reacts to a niggly tackle by kicking out like a big girly wuss and gets sent off at the beginning of the second half. I still get upset about this, even though England had about as much chance of going on to win as Richard Simmons would have against Mike Tyson.

2002

A rough transcript of BBC radio's broadcast of the World Cup draw...

"...and we're still waiting to see who will be in England's group...we'd be happy with Germany, even Brazil...oh fucking JESUS! WE'VE GOT BASTARD ARGENTINA! AND THEY'RE GOING TO BATTER US LIKE A CHIPPERFIELD CHIMP! NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOO!" (told you it was a rough transcript. Actually, I think the last few bits could have been what I said. But anyway)

And it's really funny, but that's the general consensus over here. We knew we were in a difficult group, and we were banking on getting over on Sweden and Nigeria to get us into the knockout stage. Amazingly, the overall feeling towards Argentina over here is the worst of all - pity. We feel sorry for them that their economy is in a right state, and we know that if they win, it'll give them a massive boost (actually, out of all the countries in the World Cup, Argentina are under the most pressure to win, the poor bastards).

But if England lose tomorrow, we'll be as good as out, and Summer will be cancelled, and...oh God, it does not bear thinking about. I'm dreading this game and have been looking forward to it all year at the same time...

Naturally, I took the day off work. When I started me new job, I asked about time off or it before enquiring about pettier details like pensions and all that shit. I'll be in the pub from, ooh, 7am tomorrow. If all goes well, by this time tomorrow I shall be rolling about in the streets of London as euphoric as a dog that has just discovered that he can actually lick his own genetalia. On the other hand, if we lose, I might be rolling about in the streets of London in search of a speeding bus.

I want me Mam. I'm scared.