Not long to go now, and I spend my days lounging at home like a big old dosser, waiting for the World Cup - the most important sporting event, ever, in case you forgot - to get started. All the white vans on the road are festooned with England flags. The local markets are selling shitty fake shirts that look as it they'd burst into flames as soon as you wave a match at them. Kiddies - God bless 'em - are brandishing knives at each other on the bus for Panini stickers. People in London are even talking to each other, for Christ's sake.

So while we wait for the shit to go down over the next month, this is what you really ought to know about the World Cup. I'm now off to the shops to get stocked up on ale and fags, and a footy shirt - and tomorrow I'll tell you a bit more about that...
 

Day 2:

TEN THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE WORLD CUP

May 28th 2002
 

1. It's Being Hosted In Japan And South Korea

...which is a fucking great idea. It's very rare for a Euro nation to win it in South America and vice versa - so the field is wide open. Factor in the fact that the local residents are really up for it, and the stadiums (particularly in Japan) are fucking stupendous, and it's obvious - it's going to be a fine World Cup.

2. It's Being Hosted In Japan And South Korea

...which is a fucking stupid idea. What the fuck were they thinking about, giving it to two countries who are shite at footy? I'll tell you why - cash money, Sir! FIFA would give the World Cup to the balcony of my flat if I offered 'em enough money and prostitutes. It'll be the middle of the monsoon season, the locals won't give a monkeys after their teams have been bundled out, you won't be able to watch a game without those fucking klaxons, and - what was the other reason I was thinking of? Oh yeah...

3. All The Games Will Be On Dead Early In The Morning...

Nooooooo! This is gonna be grim. World Cups are meant to be seen in the pub after a shitty day at work with all your mates, and then celebrating or drowning your sorrows and then staggering home with the weight of the world dropping off your shoulders. This time, because Japan and South Korea are too fucking selfish to hold the games at 3am, I'm expected to get me arse out of bed at 6am, and miss loads of other games because of bastard work. It's not fair.

4. ...But The Pubs Will Be Open Dead Early, Too

Thank God for that. Amazingly, those fucking gibbons in the law courts were not going to let the pubs open early, even though you can't watch an England game properly without being rammed in a pub with pints and fag ends all over the place and whatnot. Apparently, they were saying that seeing as they didn't open pubs in the morning for the Silver Jubilee (25 years ago!), they weren't going to do it this time around - but the brewerys got the right hump and forced them to do it. So what if people are going to stagger into work with all sick down their front and pissed as a fart, and the economy loses an estimated £1.3 billion? Get the fucking pints in, it's social history, mate!

5. England Might Do Very Well Indeed

At long last, England are looking good. Not quite ready to win it, but you never know. David Beckham has achieved the impossible by making everyone forget that he made such a twat of himself at France, we absolutely mashed up Germany on their own ground, we have the bigest league in the world, and Sven Goran Eriksson is the first England manager that seems to know what he's on with for decades. Ooh! It's gonna be a good one for the lads with the three lions on their tits...

6. England Might Balls It Right Up

Shit. Because the draw has been made so lopsided due to Japan and South Korea getting seeded, England are in a right dog-faced bitch of a group - with Argentina, Nigeria and Sweden - and if we don't top the group, we'll probably have to face France in the next round. We've been riddled with injuries, we always choke, and might not even get out of the group. Sniff.

7. There's More Chance Of A Terrorist Attack Than Football Hooliganism

Amazingly, it was revealed that Osama bin Laden planned to cause no end of palaver at the England - Tunisia match in '98 by shooting David Seaman, and then lobbing a few grenades into the crowd and on the pitch. Fuck knows why he wanted to do that - when he was based in London, he always went to Arsenal games. Apparently, there will be snipers and surface-to-air missiles around the stadium, which should liven up a 0-0 draw, I suppose.

As for our old mates who like vomiting through their noses and singing 'No Surrender To The IRA', it looks like a bad year for them. Not only is it costing them a packet to get there, a shitload of them are getting put straight on the plane when they get there. And seeing as the Japanese and South Korean police seem to deal with riots every other week, I don't fancy their chances. One amusing directive given to travelling England fans warns them not to take their shirts off and display their tattoos, as they might be mistaken for members of the Yakusa. Excuse me, but I'm sure you'd have to be pretty shit-thick to see a fat pale bloater with 'PUSSY HUNTER' or 'SHARON' scratched across his beer gut with a coathanger and think to yourself "Hmm, he must be a member of the Japanese Mafia".

Angry. Angry young man.

8. No Scotland. Or Holland. Or Roy Keane

All three are a shocking loss to the World Cup. Scotland in particular, as they provide wonderful entertainment, with blokes dressed up in ginger wigs with faces like smacked arses when they just fail to make it to the next round. Holland just choked in the qualifying rounds, leaving me with no-one to gravitate to naturally when England go out. And Roy Keane - Ireland's best player, and an absolute mardy-arsed bitch who would bite your face off as soon as look at you, stropped out completely over a barbecue the squad had to attend with the media, and said to his gaffer Mick McCarthy, “You were a crap player and you are a crap manager. The only reason I have any dealings with you is that somehow you are the manager of my country, and you’re not even Irish, you English cunt. You can stick it up your arsehole". And he got sent home. Ha. Ireland are fucked.

9. Italy Are Going To Win It.

Or maybe Argentina. And France are in with an excellent chance. And Brazil. And Spain look like finally getting their shit together. It's a very open field.

10. My Pants Are Stiffening In Anticipation

And it's only a couple of days away. Eek!