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~Loss and Living again~


This is a poem of loss and of learning to live again. My son, James Thomas J.T. McGregor, was taken from me July 19th. 2002.  This past Oct. 25th. I celebrated what would have been his 4th birthday. 

Paula Rae, Nov. 9th. 2003
 



Time and Faith


When you lose a child,
Your whole world seems to come apart at the seams.
 
All of a sudden, this miracle born of you
Is no longer here for all to see.
 
Memories are all you have left
And each and every one becomes sacred,
Etched into your mind.
 
At first, your dreams
Are your worst fear.
 
You dream of holding and playing with your child,
You dream of what they are to become as they grow.
You dream the dreams of a blissful parent.
 
And then you wake up
Only to realize, your child is gone.
 
Then comes the question,
Will the pain ever go away?
 
I can answer that question with a resounding No,
The pain doesn't go away
We just learn how to deal with it better.
 
It takes Time
You hear that from everyone.
 
And that is so True.
 
As time passes
You learn.
 
You learn that you can see a child in a restaurant, and not start crying,
You notice that every child you see doesn't always remind you of yours.
And you finally learn how to move on with your life.
 
All of this takes Time,
As well as Faith.
 
You must believe that your little one
Is safe from all the dangers on earth.
 
You must believe you did your best
And now they are doing their best to watch over you.
 
You must believe that your child is in the most loving arms of all
Your baby is in the most wonderful and happy place of all, Heaven.
 
And finally, you must believe that your little angel
Will never want for anything.
 
Sometimes that makes me feel
Just a little envious.
 
And that's OK
Have faith that you will see your child again
When your time on this earth is done.
 
So be happy for your little one,
Rejoice in the knowledge that they will not
have to shoulder the burdens of this world.
 
Feel free to send your love to the clouds
And know that they are always listening.
 
Your child may have lived a shorter life than you
But they are in a much better place than we.
 
I know it feels a little wrong, at first
But you can be happy, knowing you don't have to worry endlessly anymore.
 
No nights spent awake because of illness.
No worries about sending them off to school.
And no questions like...
"Did I teach them all they needed to know
to make it on their own?"
 
I feel I must reiterate.
 
This does not happen overnight
As we so often wish it would.
 
And it really doesn't make a difference
What religion you have.
 
Most all speak of a grand afterlife of some kind
And of how completely amazing it is.
 
Time and Faith.
 
I want to thank you
For reading what I have written.
 
In writing, I find my solace.
 
And if my words help just one person find a little peace,
My efforts have not been in vain.

Copyright © 2003 Paula Rae Mikolajczak
 



The loss of a child is not an easy thing but I believe you can come to terms with this tragedy and learn to conquer your pain once and for all.  You can not let the pain consume you.  You must remember the love that you shared in life not the pain in death.  In your love, you will find the strength to move on.  We bear our souls to the ones we love! You don't have to hide anything from them.  Talk to them and if they can't or won't listen. find someone else.  Start a conversation with a stranger, you may find more in common than you realize. 
I know that at times it hurts so much, you just want to shut everyone out.  That is the worst possible thing you can do to yourself.  If you find that you can't talk, grab the nearest pen and just start writing.  Pick up your pencil and start drawing, find your old brushes and start painting.  Do whatever it is that makes you feel good and happy again.  I promise you, once you start the journey of your life again, it's all downhill from there.  I have never had a knack for speaking my feelings to anyone, but in writing and sharing my poems to help others, I heal myself. 
My name is Paula Rae Mikolajczak and I have lived the nightmare of losing a child.  July 19, 2002 is a day that will live in my memory forever.  My son, James Thomas J.T. McGregor, was almost 3 when my ex-husband's girlfriend, Jennifer, kicked him in the stomach and sent him on his heavenly journey.  He was and remains my only child.  I do have high hopes for the future though.  I have come to view him as a Hero and I'll tell you why.  My son was not the only child being abused in the household, she also had two daughters of her own and they were receiving the same treatment.  She was pregnant with my ex's second child, as well.  I believe that my son died Protecting his unborn half-sibling and Jennifer's two girls from the life they would have had with an abusive "Mother" like her.  I grew up in an abusive and sometimes uncaring home and I understand how worthless and insecure that makes a child feel.  I tried to protect J.T. from that, unfortunately the courts granted him custody and me with visitation.  Then he took off to another city even farther away from me.  I was blind to the abuse until it was to late.  I find comfort in knowing that the other children will not have to face that kind of life. 
J.T. is my Hero.  He is also my angel.  Sometimes I catch the scent of his hair blowing on a breeze, I hear his laughter off is the distance, and I know he is watching over me.  I feel at peace when I picture him running through the woods, playing with the animals, and laughing his sweet little laugh: I am able to smile despite the tears.  All the things I could not give him on this earth, he has now. 
Oh, yeah!  In case you were wondering, Jennifer pleaded guilty to murder and received a 40 year sentence in prison. 
Sincerely,
Paula Rae Mikolajczak