Mental Masturbation

This is one of those columns that I used a really
gross thing to get your attention. Don't be
disappointed, this really is mental masturbation. I
just wanted to answer that old question of . . . "Why
in the hell do you write this shit!?" Well, there
isn't quite a singular reason. It's actually a
conglomeration of reasons. The main reason, and I am
serious, is . . . Oh Fuck it. . . Nobody's going to
take this seriously so I'll just write something
stupid that will make people laugh. . .

The reason that people write these "zines" (oh i'd
like to do one great big barf on the guy who came up
with that "word.") is the cash flow and women that
they can get from it. See, what you don't know about
Insanity Fair and other "zines" like it, is that they
all are masking their contempt for you, the common
student. The writers of this magazine actually get
sex, money and drugs for writing this magazine. If you
didn't already know that this may come as quite a
shock to you.

Be assured though, it is true. Why, right now, I am
engaged in elephant sex with Anna Nicole Smith. Don't
get any funny ideas though, you can't just run out and
start writing a stupid column to get sex, money and
cars. (oh yes. . . cars) There is a process to which
you must apply no talent writing to obtain these very
real things. First, you must write SAMSMCD(Secret
Amateur Magazine Sex Money and Car Distributer) They
will then conduct a series of important tests. The
first test is to see your sexual endurance. You are
forced to engage in sexual intercourse for a full
week. You are not allowed to eat, sleep, have a
bathroom break or . . . well, you know. . .

If you survive the first week of training/testing you
are allowed to move to the second area. The second
test is that of your tolerance for pain: First, they
use bamboo chutes to rip off your fingernails. Then,
they pour scalding water on your genitals. Then, they
begin to tear off tiny pieces of your flesh. You want
to make certain that these pieces of flesh are removed
with some sterile equipment, because they will be your
food for the next several weeks. Soon after removing
the various pieces of your flesh the SAMSMCD testers
attach electrodes to your bleeding holes and begin to
run high voltage through them. If your frail human
body can withstand this, the testers will then hang
you upside-down by your reproductive organs from
copper car jumping cables. You will be forced to stay
in this position naked while being attacked by rabid
goats, while in the dark and being forced to listen to
John Tesh repeatedly singing "Happy Birthday."

If your intestinal fortitude is strong enough to pass
this test, you are then shot, dragged behind a jet
liner at speeds exceeding mach 2 and then thrown onto
a piece of low grade sand paper with a vat of alcohol
at the end. Then, the alcohol is ignited by one of the
testers. After being fished out of the vat of burning
alcohol, you are shot in the head several times at
close range by a Spaz XII French Military Shotgun,
hung upside down, skinned alive, stabbed with rusty
ginsu knives, hooked with 17 fishhooks and pulled in
different directions, emasculated(I don't know what
they do to women), torn limb from limb by a rabid mime
bear, beat up by the 1977 Flyers team, and finally
taken behind some curtains where you will be stared at
for several days by Richard Simmons (who has an Intra
Venous tube of Spanish fly being fed into his
chest.)(He did more than stare at me.)

After passing all these necessary tests, you are given
a written aptitude test and a standard competency test
similar to the sanity test given to people who are
crew members on the Navy's Trident submarines.

If you think that you can pass these tests, my
congratulations and good luck.

-Cabs 0ut

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email: InsanityFair@excite.com