Story Notes: This was written in response to the spoilers for "Fair
Haven". Words cannot begin to describe how much I dislike the basic premise
of the episode; I needed to get this out of my system. I expect this story
to be rendered non-canon as soon as the episode airs.
Finally, he caught sight of her. She was standing outside the pub, surveying the scene. He was a little surprised to see she was in uniform. He'd expected her to be in the period dress she usually wore while running this holoprogram.
He knew she could hear his approach, yet she gave no acknowledgment that she was no longer alone. When he was only a few feet away, he spoke. "I knew I'd find you here."
She slowly turned around to face him. "The miracle of modern technology: at the touch of a comm badge you can immediately find out where someone is." She gestured at the scene around them. "This was a simpler time."
He nodded; he had felt the attraction of the village setting himself. "Where is everyone?"
"I deleted them."
"Why?"
She shook her head in disbelief. "You have to ask me that? Surely you, of all people, should be expressing concern at my 'addiction' to holocharacters." She did not say which character in particular, but, then again, she did not have to. "I let things go too far, and for too long."
He noted the tight line to her mouth, the tension in the way she held herself. "Why would you say that?"
"Come on, Chakotay...falling in love with a hologram?" The condemnation was evident in her tone. "More proof that I'm crazier than I've already shown."
"I'm the last one to sit in judgment of someone's love life, Kathryn." He smiled sadly. "After all, I haven't done such a stellar job myself in that department." He knew they were both thinking along the same lines: Seska, Riley Frazier and Kellin. Each a different exercise in heartache.
"But they were all real people, Chakotay. Holograms aren't real." Her voice was harsh.
"What you felt was real, wasn't it?"
She waved away his words. "Holograms serve a definite purpose. They're harmless diversions. You can mistreat them, fight with them, do anything you want with them. Then you end the program and you go on your merry way." Her mouth twisted unpleasantly. "Fuck them, yes, but not fall in love."
"It's our capacity for love that keeps us human. There's something in us which needs to reach out emotionally and love. It's a healthy impulse that keeps us from getting too isolated."
"Healthy? You're saying it was healthy for me to live in a fantasy?"
"You didn't live it 24 hours a day. You still came out and were the captain. What's unhealthy is the way you were going on before, being the captain every minute, never allowing yourself a chance to relax and, yes, to be human. My God, you must be unbearably lonely."
A shadow crossed her face and she nodded. "For you to actually approve of a hologram---"
"Well, transient aliens are obviously out." He thought once again of Kashyk's betrayal. Kathryn had been prepared for his duplicity, but Chakotay suspected it had still taken a toll on her. "And you won't allow yourself to get involved with anyone on board, so what alternative did you really have? I won't say it's an ideal solution, but at least you reached out to someone."
She studied him in silence. He wondered if she heard the words that he had deliberately left unsaid.
After a while, he realized she was waiting for him to continue. "When we fall in love it says more about ourselves than it does about the object of our affections."
She knelt down and carefully picked up a bit of green, cupping it in her hands. From his angle, he had difficulty discerning what it was. "Yes, I suppose it does," she said finally. "I was beginning to wonder, actually, if I'd lost all capacity to feel." She rose to her feet and he saw she held a four leaf clover. She twirled it absently between her thumb and index finger, and then let it drop to the ground. "I don't know who I am anymore, Chakotay. Once I was so sure of who I was and where I was going. Even in the early years of our journey, I still felt so centered. And now...I care about our crew, of course. I swore I'm going to get them home, and I'm determined to keep that promise. But other than that, I'm not really sure."
He moved closer to her, almost unconsciously. "There are many people who can help you regain your center, Kathryn, if you just reach out to them."
She looked into his eyes, as if trying to gauge what she saw there. "Are you speaking as the ship's First Officer, whose job it is to keep an eye on the captain's welfare, or as my friend?"
He met her gaze unflinchingly. "I always have been, and always will be your friend."
"I know. And I'm grateful." Her hand brushed his sleeve and then she
squeezed his arm. "I think I'm finished in here. Computer, end program."
She turned and began walking briskly toward the exit. He easily fell in
step with her, and they left the holodeck together.