Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager and all of its characters
are the property of Paramount. No copyright infringement is intended.
Time frame: the night before Voyager left Earth for the first time
Author's Note: many thanks to Seema for the beta. Additional notes located
at the end of the story.
The Long Goodbye
By Rocky
The room was shrouded in semi-darkness. The only sound Mark could hear was
Kathryn's soft breathing. He glanced at the chronometer, wide awake, and
noted there was another hour to go before sunrise. He sighed and moved closer
to Kathryn. He nuzzled her neck and gently cupped her breast. She stirred,
moaning softly.
"Hey," he said when she rolled over to face him. He leaned forward and strained
to see her expression.
"Hey yourself," she responded softly, and then yawned. "I thought you were
asleep."
He smiled and shook his head.
"You should be," she scolded him lovingly. "You've got a very busy day tomorrow,
presenting your paper at the conference." He opened his mouth to protest
but she went on, "And don't give me your usual, 'I can sleep after you're
gone' routine."
He sighed. That had been exactly what he was going to say--and he also suspected
she knew just why he had been lying there awake. After all the years they'd
been together, he'd never quite gotten used to her absences. He had known
from the outset what it meant to be involved with a Starfleet officer, especially
one rapidly making her way up the command track ladder: long separations,
and only brief snatches of time when she was on leave or otherwise off duty
that they could spend together. Still, it was worth it, or so he'd told himself
over the years. Better only small amounts of time with her than nothing at
all.
He couldn't honestly say he spent all the time moping while she was off among
the stars; he had a rich and fulfilling life and a busy career on Earth to
keep him fully occupied. But when she was home it was amazing how
easy it was to take her presence for granted, falling asleep beside her every
night and waking up to her brilliant smile each morning. It also never ceased
to surprise him how disruptive it was when she left for her next assignment.
For days afterwards, he would walk around, feeling as though a vital part
of him had been taken away. And so he had been lying there in bed beside
her, avidly trying to memorize every detail about her, commit every aspect
of the past few weeks to memory, to sustain him for the imminent separation.
His arms tightened around her involuntarily. She gently stroked the line
of his jaw. "I know--no matter how many times we've done it, I never get
used to saying goodbye." She was silent for a moment. "It's not an ideal
situation, but we know from past experience we can deal with being apart."
The bedroom windows were not fully polarized; a faint gray light was starting
to make its way into the room and he caught the sudden brightness in her
eyes.
He ran his hand lightly over her eyes and felt a hint of moisture on his
fingertips. He kissed her before answering. "If we can solve any problem,
then why do we lose so many tears?"
"Starship captains don't cry," she said, with a slight tremor in her voice
that belied her words. It quickly vanished as she went on, "Voyager's
mission is only expected to last three weeks. Just a quick trip into the
Badlands, apprehend the Maquis ship, and then return home. Piece of cake."
She raised herself up on one elbow and leaned over to brush her lips against
his, her long auburn hair tickling his chest. "But I agree, we should try
to make the most of the time we have left before I go."
Their kiss deepened; he rolled them both over with alacrity, his hands moving
over her body, touching and stroking every part of her. For a long time the
only sounds in the room were soft murmurs, punctuated by cries of passion.
He was just starting to drift off in a haze of post-coital relaxation when
the chirp of a comm badge shattered the stillness.
"Oh, damn." In the ever brightening light, he watched as Kathryn left their
bed and went to answer the hail. "Janeway here," she said crisply, her voice
bearing no traces whatsoever of the intimacy it had carried such a short
time ago.
He watched her in fascination, observing the change in her bearing as she
spoke. She had always taken care not to mix her professional and personal
lives; everything had always been strictly compartmentalized. He hadn't objected;
it had seemed normal in the course of things. Seeing her now, he realized
he didn't know Captain Janeway. Only Kathryn.
"Yes, Admiral, I understand," she said. "I'll be there as soon as I can.
Janeway out." She put the badge down, and then turned to him. "That was the
Admiral," she said unnecessarily.
"Oh."
"The launch has been moved up from the end of the week. I have to report
this morning, by 0700 hours."
He nodded, but knew better than to ask any questions. She disappeared into
the bathroom and left him staring at the closed door.
When she emerged a short time later, dressed in her uniform, he hadn't moved
from the bed, still lay there in the nest of covers which held her scent.
With an effort, he swung his legs over the edge of the bed and reached for
his robe.
She had finished fastening her pips to her collar and was starting to brush
her hair. He came up behind her and put his hands on her shoulders, stilling
her movements. "So you go again when the leading man appears?" he said lightly.
He had teased her before about who the 'love of her life' really was.
Her eyes met his in the mirror and then she turned around to face him.
"Mark, it isn't as though I planned to go so early, but you knew I was leaving
in another few days anyway." Her voice softened. "I'm sorry."
With one word, his carefully cultivated facade crumbled, and he forgot his
resolve to let her go without a fuss, the way he always had before.
"Always the same thing," he said, thinking that instead of getting easier,
it was becoming harder to do this. To his horror he heard his voice crack
as he said, pleadingly, "Can't you see, we've got everything going on and
on--"
She laid her fingers across his lips. "It's not as though I have any choice."
She repeated, her expression troubled, "I'm sorry."
He bent his head till their foreheads touched, and strove to regain his self
control. "Every time you go away you take a piece of me with you," he confessed.
She wound her arms around his neck. "I know. I feel the same way. Believe
me, if there was any other way..." her voice trailed off.
He exhaled sharply, and then took a step back. "Go on." He almost added,
"Go free." For some reason, he shivered with a sudden sense of premonition.
"Are you all right?" she asked with sudden concern.
He passed his hand over his face, willing his irrational fears--that he would
never see her again--to recede. This was no different than any of the
hundreds of other times they'd said goodbye before. "Yeah."
She finished coiling her hair into its tight bun and then turned to him once
more. "What is it, Mark?" Without waiting for an answer she strode over to
him and put her arms around him. "It's just a simple mission, not like I'm
going to be gone forever."
He hugged her fiercely. "Maybe you're too close to see," he muttered under
his breath. She looked up sharply; he didn't know if she had heard him or
not.
"Do you feel me, against you like this?" she asked softly. "I promise you,
in just a few more weeks I'm going to be back in your arms, exactly like
this. Do you feel?"
He nodded, wanting desperately to believe her. "I can feel your body move."
He managed a smile.
She smiled, too, clearly relieved. "But if we don't stop this, I'll never
leave and then I won't be able to come back to you, now will I?" She picked
up her bag and headed to the foyer. He trailed after her, suddenly wishing
he had gotten dressed.
Just before she left, she gave him another searching glance. "This particular
separation..."
"It doesn't mean that much to me," he quickly reassured her. He made a shooing
motion with his hands.
She nodded as if satisfied. She tapped her comm badge. "Janeway to Voyager.
One to beam up."
The last thing he saw before the beam enveloped her was her smile--calm,
confident, in control. The way it always was.
Alone in the empty room, he sagged against the wall, overcome with a sense
of loss he could not explain. "I can't go on saying the same thing," he whispered.
"Just can't you see, we've got everything--do you even know?"
But there was no answer, of course. Mark went back to the bedroom to begin
getting ready for his day. He picked up the calendar and made a notation
on a particular date. Three weeks. Just three more weeks until she was back
and he felt whole again.
FINIS
Author's Note: an answer to Lori's Evil Challenge, of having one character
in the story speak the complete lyrics of a song. Mark's dialogue is taken
entirely from the lyrics to "Every Time You Go Away" by Paul Young and may
be found here: http://www.theromantic.com/lovesongs/everytimeyougoaway.htm
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