Disclaimer: Star Trek
Voyager and all of its characters are the property of Paramount. No
copyright infringement is intended.
Author's note: this is all Jungle
Kitty's fault.
Apology
By Rocky
Chakotay took a deep breath, steeling himself, and then crossed the
threshold. It took a few seconds for his eyes to adjust to the
semi-darkness; it was only his guilt that made the term 'gloom' come to
mind, he reminded himself sternly. And then his courage deserted him
entirely as he caught sight of her still form lying next to the far
wall.
Cursing his cowardice, he forced himself to approach. There was no
response to his faltering footsteps, of course. He stood there silently
for a long time, confronted with the results of his actions. No, of his
mistakes. It was his incompetence that had wreaked havoc on them
both--but especially her, leaving her a broken shell of her former self.
"I'm sorry," he said at last. "I know it's such an inadequate
statement, but I really and truly am sorry. I never meant for us to end
up this way. I still can't believe it--you always seemed so strong, so
indestructible. But even you had limits to what you could endure. To
the suffering I put you through."
He bowed his head, wishing he dared reach out and stroke her. But he
had forfeited the right to touch her ever again. "Who'd have thought
our story would have ended like this?" he murmured. Even though he knew
she could not hear him, he needed to say this anyway. "It was fate that
brought us together, and you have to admit, despite our rough spots, we
managed to make it work. For a while. But I expected too much from you,
tried to push you in directions you were clearly never meant to go.
It's not your fault--I'm the
one to blame. And I know, now, I wasn't what you needed, either. You
needed someone stronger, more knowledgeable. Someone without my
disastrous track record. But in my arrogance, I thought I could do it."
Slowly, cautiously, he brushed his fingertips down her side. Despite
the relatively comfortable room temperature, she was cold to his touch
and utterly still. So different from the last time they'd been
together--
A sob broke from his throat. "What makes it worse is this is not the
first time I've hurt you. Oh, no. I've done it so many times before.
You'd think I'd learn, but I didn't. We were locked into a destructive
pattern, you and I. And each time I left someone else to pick up the
pieces."
He fell silent, thinking of B'Elanna's harsh words. "That's no way to
treat her, Chakotay. Kahless, even Tom would never pull a stunt like
that! What were you thinking?"
"I wasn't thinking--that was the whole point," he said now. "That
mission with Seven--I should have paid more attention to you, noticed
your reactions, seen what I was doing to you--well, it doesn't matter
anymore. Nothing matters, because you're never going to be the same.
Because of me." His hands clenched together convulsively. "I'll never
be able to forgive myself. Tuvok would be justified in tossing me in
the brig for the rest of the journey."
The silence in the room seemed to deepen.
"I'm so sorry," he whispered. "If I could make it up to you, I would.
You've got to believe that."
At last he rose to his feet, turned his back on the twisted metal shape
that would never throb to life under his hands again, and exited the
shuttle bay.
FINIS
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