It was early fall; my favorite season. It was so romantic for some odd reason I never really understood. It wasn’t as cold as winter can get (even here in Florida it can get a little chilly), and it wasn’t as scorching as the famed Florida summers. It was a beautiful day. I spent it at school where I only had two classes all day. The rest of the time I wandered downtown Orlando, peeking in some of the odd shops I could find. I go to Central Florida and am majoring in Writing for Television and Movies. I always had a wild imagination and was always making up stories. Around six that evening, I decided I should return home. On my trip home, I passed my cousin Scott’s house. He and I had always been close. Usually there were lights on in the house but none were on today. I shrugged it off. Probably out partying. But doesn’t he have a roommate?

Scott called me about three months prior. He and his friend, Howie, were going to rent a house together. Scott had always been a little odd, so I scoffed at this new idea. “Honest, nothing’s up. D. has this old house and he was lookin for a roommate to split the cost. Plus, it’s closer to work.”

“Who’s D?”

“Oh, that’s Howie, everyone calls him D.”

“Whatever, Scott, just be good.”

Days later I dropped in to see him. I knocked on the door and a man my height, around 5’6” answered. My jaw dropped. The man standing before me was a Greek God. He had long hair; I loved long hair on a man. Long and curly and chocolate brown. And then his eyes! I could get lost in those eyes...

“May I help you?” He broke me out of my trance. I shook myself back into reality.

“Yeah, I’m lookin for Scott, he’s my cousin.”

“He’s not here right now, but you can come in if you want.”

“Sure, thanks,” I smiled at him politely and he opened the door wider to let me inside. “Man, this place is beautiful...”

“When I saw it, I couldn’t pass it up. I dabble in real estate in my free time. It needs work, but it should be nice once it’s finished. Oh, I never caught your name...”

“Sorry about that, I’m Kara,” I extended my hand to him.

“Howie,” he smiled and took my hand. To my surprise, he didn’t shake it but rather brought my hand to his lips and gently kissed it. “It’s a pleasure.” I blushed.

“Yo D., who’s at the door?” a voice called from another room.

“Scott’s cousin,” he called back and turned to me. “Come on, I’ll give you a tour.” Walking into the kitchen, I saw a man’s behind sticking out of the open refrigerator. Howie cleared his throat. The man jumped and banged his head off of a shelf. He cried out in pain as both Howie and I giggled. “AJ, this is Kara, Scott’s cousin.”

AJ stood and closed the refrigerator, a bite of a ham sandwich in his mouth. He chewed quickly and smiled. “Nice to meet you,” he shook my hand.

“You too.”

“I’m just giving her a tour of the house until Scott comes home.” AJ nodded and opened the refrigerator again. “Make yourself at home, AJ,” Howie shook his head and laughed. I followed Howie through the house, the living room, the dining room, and upstairs. “Scott usually crashes in here or on the couch. Where ever he makes it to,” he groaned.

“If you don’t mind me asking, but how long have you known my cousin?”

“We were in some of the same classes at the University when he first moved here,” I nodded. “I didn’t realize how much of a partier he was though.”

“Yeah, he really gets into it. It’ll get him in trouble one day; I just hope I don’t have to be the one bailing him out this time.” Howie’s eyes searched mine for an explanation. “Don’t worry about it.”

He shrugged. We walked into the next room which was his. “Here’s my room, nice and simple.”

I looked around. “Gold records?” I stepped into the room further to read what they said. “You’re a Backstreet Boy?”

“That I am,” he smiled proudly and joined me.

“That’s probably why you looked familiar. Didn’t I meet you before? At one of Scott’s parties?”

“Maybe, I’m not sure. I’m always coming and going. I’m never in one place for very long.”

Just then thedoor opened downstairs. I heard heavy footsteps in the hall and knew they belonged to Scott. He wasn’t a large guy, but he was rather tall. With very big feet. And an appetite to match. My eyes lit up. I excused myself from Howie and ran downstairs. Scott’s back was to the stairs. I giggled, ran faster, leaped, and landed on his back. “Hey Scottie,” I giggled and wrapped my arms around his neck tighter.

“Kara, you’ve finally shown up,” he smiled. I climbed off him and ran around to his front, giving him a huge hug. He wrapped his arms around me and picked me up off the ground.

“I’ve missed you.”

“You too,” he whispered. Although we were cousins, we rarely saw one another due to both of our schedules. We finally pulled away. “Did D. give you the tour?”

“Yup, it’s a nice place too.”

There was some slight commotion in the kitchen. “And AJ?”

“Met him too. You’ve finally done something good for yourself, Scott. I’m really proud of you.”

...

Over the next few months, I spent more and more time at their house. AJ stopped by all the time and repeatedly made comments about how I should just move in since I’m always there. I recoiled with the same. They’re good guys. Scott was finally in with the right crowd. Even when Scott wasn’t home, I stopped in to visit with Howie. He was a kind soul. I would show up after classes and just talk with him for hours at a time about absolutely nothing. A month after I met him, it was our birthdays. Mine was August 20 and his was two days later. We went out on the 21st and bought one another Beta fish. His had a purple tint and mine was more blue. A month later I left my apartment to go to their house. I was in tears. Howie answered the door. “Blue Fish died,” I sobbed as soon as I saw him. For the next few hours he just sat with me and we talked. Around eight that night we gave Blue Fish a proper burial. We dug a hole in my flower box and buried him in the dirt. Howie even made a small cross out of popsicle sticks. He always had a way of making me feel better.

School picked up again and I was back to class. Howie and the other Backstreet Boys were in the studio for hours recording their newest album, “Millennium.” He had become my best friend and I loved him dearly. After shopping around the town, I decided to return home. It was an early fall day. I pulled into the driveway of Scott and Howie’s house. Odd, no one’s home... Oh wait, Howie’s in the studio and Scott’s probably off somewhere... I threw my car into reverse and backed out of the driveway, heading to my own apartment. If I only knew then what I know now...

...

It was 11:35 that night when the phone rang. I remembered the time, the date, what I was wearing, even the lines I was writing for an assignment for a class.

Mary turned around and leaned against the door frame. “But why do you care now?”

“I want to make up for the times I lost,” he sighed.

Mary lowered her head in sadness, knowing what he had meant. “Before I die?” she whispered. *

So ironic. The girl in the story, Mary, was being confronted by her brother about where she was the night before. I was writing this story about Scott and myself, only from reverse positions. I hoped it would help me see why he did the things he did. The only thing writing the story was helping was my confusion as to why he would do such things. I thought back to one of the first conversations I had with Howie. I was afraid for Scott because of his actions and his constant partying. I knew it would get him into jail someday, or worse; I feared it would kill him.

The phone rang and shook me from my thoughts. Thank God, I was beginning to depress myself... “Hello?”

“Hey, uhm... Kara? It’s Howie.”

“Hey D., what’s up?”

“Kara, I think there’s something wrong with Scott...”

“What? What happened?”

“I don’t know! I got back from hangin out with the guys at a club downtown about an hour ago and when I came in the house, Scott was on the couch. I swear Kara I thought he was asleep! I just went in to check on him now and he’s barely breathing... He’s real cold too... But sweating...”

“Call 911. I’ll be right over.” I turned the phone off and threw it to the carpeted floor. Grabbing my car keys and slipping on a pair of shoes, I ran to the door. Moments later I arrived at the house, my hair a mess and dressed for bed. I shivered. Orlando nights can be chilly when you’re in a tank top and boxer shorts. I ran for the door and Howie opened it before I reached the knob. “What happened? Where is he? Did you call an ambulance?”

Questions flew from my mouth a mile a minute.

Howie put his hands on my shoulders and pulled me inside. He drew me into his arms for a tight, protective embrace. “I’m so relieved you’re finally here,” he mumbled into my hair. I didn’t realize how much I needed that hug right then. I broke down into tears, wiping them on his shoulder. “Sshh... calm down, hun... I’m sure he’ll be alright... You want Scott to see you cryin?”

He tried to cheer me up but it didn’t work. “Please, Howie, where is he?” He nodded and led me into the living room. The person on the couch didn’t even look like Scott. His skin was yellowed. His breathing was shallow. I could barely feel his pulse. I sobbed again. “Scott!” I cried close to him, hoping for a response. “Scott! It’s Kara! Can you hear me?” No response. I cried harder. “Scott please come back to me! I need you so much...”

Within minutes the ambulance arrived. After they loaded him up, they told Howie where they were taking my cousin while I was curled into a ball on the living room floor, crying.

...

It took an hour, but Howie finally calmed me down enough to take me to the hospital. He let me borrow a change of his clothes which fit almost perfectly. Scott was in the ICU. He was convulsing pretty badly. I know it was in his best interests, but it hurt so much to see him lying there in the hospital bed, tied down like an animal. I was allowed into the room first, being the closest relative. You see, years ago, Scott and I moved to Orlando from our homes in Pennsylvania. I hated the snow and he just really needed to get away from everyone there. His parents wouldn’t be able to show up until sometime tomorrow; that’s what Howie told me anyways. I stood next to Scott for a moment, crying, wondering what I could possibly had done to prevent this. Nothing came to mind. I shook my head and grabbed his hand in mine. I swear to God he squeezed my hand. As long as I live I’ll never forget him squeezing my hand. I was ushered out again so the nurses could take care of him. I met back up with Howie in the waiting room. “How’s he looking?”

“I don’t know,” I barely whispered. I was afraid of admitting to myself that he didn’t look good and I might lose him forever. I loved Scott with all my heart.

Howie stood and wrapped me in his arms. “He’ll pull through this, I know he will.”

We sat in silence in the waiting room for what seemed like a lifetime. Finally a nurse appeared at the door. “Miss McAndrew?”

Scott and I were cousins and had the same last name. “Is something wrong? How’s Scott?”

The nurse motioned for me to follow her outside. “We’ve done all we can for him here, Miss. If you want, we can send him to the Medical Center in Tallahassee; we’ll fly him there of course. We can’t help him any more here but maybe they can.”

“Shouldn’t you be asking his parents this? What if I make the wrong decision?”

“Miss, if he stays here, there’s a good chance that he’ll die.”

Her bluntness shocked me into tears again. I dreaded the thought of losing him. “Yes, please send him.”

The nurse nodded. “The helicopter will be here in twenty minutes.” She turned and went back into the ICU leaving me standing outside the doors, helpless.

Howie saw this and came to my rescue. “What are they going to do?”

“Flying him to Tallahassee.” He hadn’t seen me crying. I turned and looked at him, tears pooling in my eyes. “If he stays here, he’d probably die. I had to send him there.”

...

Right on schedule, the helicopter arrived. The attendants wrapped Scott in blankets, so tightly so he couldn’t hurt himself, and wheeled him out of the ICU. They stopped by me, figuring I was a relative. Scott and I are too similar. Same name. Same family. We even look like twins. Odd to me, I’m six years younger than he. I bent down and kissed his forehead. “I love you so much, Scottie, please pull through this... I love you so much,” I sobbed and kissed him again. They wheeled him to the elevator and stepped inside. I crumpled into a ball on the floor, sobbing. I didn’t want my last image of my cousin, one of my best friends, to be him in a hospital bed. The thought that I might never see him alive again scared me half to death.

...

Howie dropped me off at his house so I could pick up my car and then I went home. He went to AJ’s to tell him what had happened and where he’d be. AJ wasn’t too happy about being woken up at 3 AM. He then returned home, got showered and changed. I did the same at home and left the house. I pulled around his house and he was already in the front yard waiting for me. No words were needed between us, we just sat in comfortable silence. “Oh, I have to stop at the mini-mart up here,” he announced. “Need caffeine.”

“Good, me too.”

We went into the store, got what we needed, and came out when we were done. When he returned, I was holding a lit cigarette between my lips. “Since when do you smoke?”

“Since when don’t I?” I responded bitterly. I took a drag and exhaled slowly. “Sorry hun, I’m on my last nerve.”

“Understood,” he nodded. “I was just curious.”

“I smoked for four years and quit back in June. Because of Scott, I started again. I always knew he was good for something.” Sarcasm dripped from my voice.

He decided it was best to change the subject. “You know how to get to Tallahassee?”

“With my eyes closed,” I grinned and put my car in drive. He mumbled something to himself and pulled his seatbelt on. When I pulled out of the parking lot, he pulled tighter on it and locked his door. I laughed. He always had a way of making me feel better.

...

The ride to Tallahassee was long and tiring. I would have let him drive so I could get some rest, but no matter how much I love Howie, I don’t trust anyone with my car. Plus, he slept on and off. When he wasn’t asleep, we had some very interesting talks. Parties we’ve been to, people we both know, stories of our pasts. I don’t even know what time it was when we finally pulled into the hospital. I drove for hours, but Howie keeps good company. Without checking the hospital map, I navigated the two of us upstairs to the ICU. He looked at me funny. “How’d you know how to get up here? It’s a maze.”

“Like I told ya a long time ago, Howard, I didn’t want to have to be the one to bail Scott out again but here I am. He’s done this before; he just never went this far.” He smirked when I called him ‘Howard.’ I was the only person not in his family that he would let them call him by his full name.

We were not let into the ICU due to a shift change. Scott arrived safely and in one piece at least. We had to leave for an hour but we were allowed to come back in after that. Howie and I returned to my car, put back the seats, and caught up on some much needed sleep.

...

When we finally woke somewhere around four that afternoon, I checked a schedule the hospital gave me. We wouldn’t be allowed back in until five because of another shift change. “Scott’s parents should be here by now,” I sighed. I loved them all so much, but I dreaded seeing them. They knew that I was the one who made Scott come to Orlando so I was the base of this problem. “Let’s go get something to eat.” Howie nodded and we left the parking lot in search of a restaurant.

...

At five we returned and trekked across the large parking lot for the front doors. I caught a glimpse of Scott’s parents and froze. “What is it?” Howie asked, feeling me stop.

“I can’t go over there...”

“Why? Are those his parents?”

“Howie please don’t make me go over there.”

Howie shook his head and wrapped his arm around my shoulder, pulling me for a hug. “Come on sweetheart, we have to at least talk to them.” I nodded. He took my hand and led the way to the doors. Outside on benches were Scott’s parents.

“Kara,” my aunt softly smiled when she saw me. She stood and hugged me tightly. My uncle did the same. Maybe they weren’t going to blame me after all.

“How did this all happen?” my uncle asked.

I shook my head. Howie told them what he told me over the phone. I couldn’t look either of them in the eye, I knew tears would fall. “In Orlando the nurse said that if he didn’t come here he’d probably die,” I spoke quickly and quietly. “I didn’t think you wanted that to happen.”

“You made the right decision,” my aunt smiled at me. “Have you been up to see him today?”

I shook my head. “They were on a shift change when we got here this morning and we slept until an hour ago.”

“Did you eat?”

“We went out to a restaurant down the street,” Howie spoke for me. I was honestly afraid of the opinion of these people. I was afraid of my own family.

“I know you know how to find him, Kara. Hopefully they’ll let you in this time.”

Howie and I turned and walked into the hospital. I barely spoke a word as I led him up to the ICU again. “They’re your family, Kara, you don’t need to be afraid of them.” Howie could always read my mind. That was the one thing I couldn’t stand about him.

“What if they think I could have stopped him though?”

“You couldn’t stop him. No one could.”

“But what if he doesn’t make it?” I whispered my deepest fears for the first time.

...

A nurse walked in the room while Howie and I were visiting. “Miss McAndrew?”

I looked up at her. “Yes?”

“I was told my Mr. McAndrew’s parents that you were one of the first to find him. Could I ask you a few questions?”

“Sure.”

“First off, there was a high amount of alcohol in his bloodstream with remnants of aspirins. Did you know anything about that?”

I shook my head. “Howie was there before I was.”

She turned to look at him. “Did you know about that?”

“No, ma’am.”

She sighed and turned back to me. “When he was flown from Orlando they sent along a bag of his belongings. I’ll bring them in.” She turned and left the room to return moments later. She handed them to me and left the room again. I saw the pity in her eyes and didn’t like it one bit. I knew she remembered Scott from the last time.

I opened the bag to check that everything was in there. I felt something in the back pocket of Scott’s jeans. Curious, I reached in and pulled out a folded piece of paper. I opened it and read it slowly. Immediately I was in tears. Howie rushed over and took the letter from me to read it. Knowing he would have to stay strong to help me though this ordeal, he kept his tears to himself. That’s one thing I loved about him; he always put others before himself. That’s why we’re so close; I do the same thing. “I didn’t know he was that depressed,” he whispered.

“He wouldn’t talk to anyone. He’s so stubborn,” I responded between tears. The letter I had read ripped my heart in two.

Dear Kara and Howie,

I’m so sorry for what I have done to both of you. Please don’t be mad at me. I’m just so depressed... no one loves me. I’m so alone and it hurts so much. I can’t handle the addiction anymore. Please don’t be mad at me. I love you both so much. Howie, you’re the best friend I ever had. Kara, I love you with all my heart. I love you so much... Please don’t be mad at me...

Tell everyone I love them so much.

Scott

...

“He looks better today,” I commented hours later when Scott’s parents joined us in his room. “He’s got some color back at least.” His parents were just getting over the shock of the letter.

“Has he responded to you?” his mother asked eagerly. Something was wrong but I couldn’t pick up on what it was.

“He did yesterday, in Orlando. He squeezed my hand in the hospital. He knew I was there.”

She sighed. “He hasn’t responded to us at all.”

...

Scott’s parents stayed in Tallahassee with him but Howie and I had to return to Orlando. Howie invited me to stay at the house for the night so I wouldn’t have to drive halfway across town at night when I was tired. Of course I took him up on his offer. “I thought it might be weird for you to stay in Scott’s room, so you can take mine. I’ll take the couch.” He opened his closet and began reaching for a blanket.

“Howard, wait. It’s your bed, I should be on the couch.”

“I don’t think so. It’s my house.” He smiled at me. He was all too right.

“Fine then, you’re staying here.”

“I’ll take the couch.”

“You’re staying here.”

“And where will you sleep?”

I shot him the classic ‘duh’ look. “Right next to you. Nothing will happen.” I grinned like the Cheshire cat. “Unless you don’t trust yourself.”

...

He eventually complied and climbed into the bed. I raided his closet and threw on one of his large T-shirts. It fell to my knees. He laughed. The next few hours were spent talking about absolutely nothing. We finally fell asleep around 3:30 the next morning.

...

Around 5:30 I woke for some odd reason. I rolled over to face Howie and almost got slammed in the face with his elbow. I pushed him to roll back over and he did. Never woke. Just as I was beginning to fall back to sleep about ten minutes later, I heard him rolling over again. To this day I do not know if this whole night was planned by him or what, but I have no regrets about what happened next. He slowly slid his arm around me, under the covers. Even in his sleep, this man was sly. I shrugged it off. Howie and I were not only emotionally close, but we were physically close. We always held hands or beat on one another. No big deal. That’s probably why so many people thought we were together when he asked me to be his date for a movie premier. We showed up and walked through the crowd holding hands. What some fans would do if they thought one of their Boys had a girlfriend. I still have a mark on my back where that one bit me... But what happened next truly shocked me. He kept pulling me closer, closer to him. It took him nearly ten minutes but finally we were face to face, foreheads pressed against one another. He’s just too damn sweet. He should be against the law. I think he was awake at this point; at least I hope he was. Slowly he nuzzled into my cheek with his nose. Definitely illegal. But then... Oh God but then... If I could live in one moment for the rest of my life, it would be this one. Slowly and very softly and so gentle... He kissed me. Howie kissed me. He pulled away and looked me in the eyes. Soft light shown through the bedroom windows from the moon high in the sky above. “I’ve been waiting a long time to do that,” he smiled shyly.

“So have I, honey, so have I.”

...

Over the next few days, Scott slowly improved. Howie and I drove to Tallahassee every day to check up on him. He was going to be released soon. All he had to do was open his eyes and be able to keep them open. Sure, he opened his eyes for us, but he wasn’t able to keep them open. I’ll never forget how he looked in that hospital bed. He looked so small, so helpless. I wanted to just crawl into the bed and curl up with him, hold him in my arms and tell him everything would be alright.

...

Scott was released a week after he was admitted to the hospital. He then checked himself into a Psychiatric Hospital for his depression and so he could get away from the drugs. Turns out, he downed a case of beer, a bottle of NyQuil, a bottle of Tylenol PM, and some seizure medication. He also had heroin and cocaine running through his bloodstream. I can’t handle the addiction anymore, he wrote. I knew the drugs would do him in someday. I just didn’t think it would have happened so soon.

...

Howie and I managed to stay together through this whole ordeal. Scott had no clue what was going on between us. On New Year’s, Howie threw a party at the house. The Boys, their girlfriends, Scott, his new girlfriend, and I were all there. Scott’s new girlfriend is really nice. Her name is Amy. She’s sweet and takes care of him. She knows how I worry about him and watches out for him when I’m not there. “Are you sure you want to be ‘together’ at this thing, Howard?”

“I want them all to know about my sweet girlfriend,” he smiled at me.

“Scott’s going to kill you, Howard.”

“I can take him. The guys will help me,” he smiled again. He was too cute.

“So we’re together then?”

So we were together. We were very close all night, holding hands, being with one another. It was so sweet. He kissed me when the ball dropped. Scott just smiled and kissed Amy. Then he approached us.

“So what’s going on here?”

We played innocent. “Whatever do you mean, Scottie?” I smiled.

“You two smoochin. Don’t think I didn’t see it.”

I stood in front of Howie to protect him. Scott would never hit me and he’d have to go through me to get to Howie. “We didn’t think you’d approve,” I admitted bashfully. “We’re really happy, Scott. He’s made me so happy.” I couldn’t look at him, whether it was out of fear or shame. I don’t know.

“Kara...” I slowly looked up at him. I was relieved to see a smile spread across his face. “Just be good,” he smiled and walked away.

...

A few hours later the party was still going strong. Howie and I escaped to the kitchen. I had something on my mind and I needed to let it out.

“So what’s up?” he asked, ever so casually.

“Howard, I want to know what you feel about us.”

“What do you mean?”

I took a deep breath. “Howard, I know how I feel about us... At least I think I do. I don’t want to get hurt and I don’t want to hurt you. I’m trying my damnedest not to fall in love with you but you’re making that impossible.”

“You’re falling in love with me?” I nodded. “You’ll be in good company,” he smiled.

...

That night was over a year ago. I still love him the way I did when we were just friends, but I love him so much more now because of him.

* From my story, "Living the Dream"

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