ALL I NEED
Chapter Eight

I took a bath and tried to relax. When I looked at my reflection in the mirror, I could see Cal's slap marks clearly on my pale skin. They were red in the beginning, but they were starting to fade away by the end of the evening, when Trudy put me to bed. I was scared and I was feeling so tired that I fell asleep before she left the room. I believe I fainted in bed.

The next morning, Trudy woke me up, gave me my breakfast, and left. She came back a few minutes later and helped me get dressed. For some reason, she came a little later than she usually did. All that time, we were incredibly quiet. It was when she finished combing my hair that I spoke.

"I don't even know why I am getting dressed. I will not leave this room, will I?" I asked, and she shook her head.

"Mr. Hockley is coming to talk to you," she said, and noted the sudden fear in my eyes. "He...Miss Rose...she..."

"What, Trudy?" I asked, narrowing my eyes for a moment. "What happened to Rose?"

"I heard she went to a party in steerage with the boy who saved her. I believe that was partly why Mr. Hockley was so...nervous with you yesterday," she said shyly, looking at the floor.

Now I understood why Cal was so out of his mind. Most likely, he found everything out at the same time, and spoiled brat that he was, he did not know how to deal with the situation. And I was unlucky enough to be the first one to cross his path. I understood his reasons now, but I would never forgive him.

"Do you know what he wants to talk to me about?" Just as I finished asking, the door opened, and there stood Cal. Though in reflex I stepped away, he gestured for Trudy to leave. She exchanged a concerned look with me and left. Cal closed and locked the door behind him.

"Catherine--"

"Get away from me," I said quietly, walking towards the bed and sitting on its edge. He stopped by the door and shrugged.

"All right. I won't get any closer, but you have to listen to me," he said firmly, and I simply nodded. "I don't regret what I did yesterday, if that's what you're thinking."

"I didn't think you would. I know the bastard you are," I said clearly, and he sighed, controlling himself.

"I came here to warn you of things that you don't seem very aware of," he continued. "You are engaged, and I know you like that officer. But if you leave everything behind to stay with him, do you have any idea what could happen?"

"You would kill him? Father would kill him? You would both send Mr. Lovejoy to kill him?" I asked dryly.

"No," he said simply, still looking into my eyes. "I knew you were not aware of the situation. Catherine, you know who Mr. Henderson is, don't you? You know he owns almost all the buildings in New York and that he is one of the richest men in the world, don't you?" I just nodded, trying to understand where he wanted to go with the conversation. "He already announced the engagement everywhere. Everyone knows. The whole of American society knows. If you run away or God knows what with this young man, he will ruin our family. If he happens to hear that you had a love affair with this young man on the ship, he will ruin our family. Do you understand? He will ruin our family. It won't be me or our father who will do something. It will be him," he said clearly, his voice steady. "He will also make sure to ruin the officer’s career, though you're not stupid and you know our father would do that first. The young man would never be able to find work again. And you…well...you would be miserable. What would you do?" he kept going as I stared at him in shock. "But Mr. Henderson would make sure to find a way to bankrupt our family and our business, the business our grandfather started out of nothing. Is that what you want? To ruin everyone's lives, even the officer's life, just because of a stupid shipboard love affair?"

I stared into his eyes. Of course, he didn't understand what I felt for Harry, and so he would portray it as a simple love affair. He didn't know Harry. He didn't know the things he had said to me and how important these things were to me. But he was right in everything else he said...and I knew he wasn't saying all of this because he cared about my choices. He was doing this because he would be affected by my actions if I left it all behind for Harry. And he didn't care about me. I knew Cal. He was pressuring me...he had already done the physical part. Now it was time to mess with my mind. And, of course, he was throwing his frustration with Rose at me.

He also knew that I cared too much for other people. That was always my biggest weakness and quality. Others always came first to me. The thought of my grandfather's business and name thrown to the wind made my heart hurt as if it was being stabbed. The thought of Harry losing his job, his career, because of my choices only made it worse. I looked down at the floor. It was hopeless. He was right.

"I think you understand now," he said after a few moments. His voice sounded victorious. "And don't forget what I told you yesterday. You will stay here. If you try to escape or scream for help, your officer will lose his job sooner than you think. Don't be selfish." How dare he? And when I looked up at him, I caught sight of him closing the door and heard him locking it from the sitting room.

I had never felt so alone in my life. I looked around the room, my vision blurring slowly as I felt tears coming to my eyes. Everything was as quiet and perfect as it was supposed to be. I stood up and walked quietly to the dresser, the big mirror on the wall on top of it. I looked at my reflection, also perfect in all my porcelain beauty, though Cal's slap marks were still visible. I looked down at the dresser to find the jewelry boxes, the hairbrush, my hairpins, and there it was...the engagement ring's box, open, with the diamond ring shining in it. Suddenly, I felt as though my heart was becoming smaller and smaller.

I heard the door to the sitting room close and the voices cease. I still had my eyes fixed on the ring. I finally broke down, and with my hands, I swept everything from the top of the dresser, making it fall and scatter on the floor. I took the carved jewelry box and opened it over the floor. The jewelry scattered over the carpet and I stood up, throwing the box against the mirror. There was a loud noise of glass breaking. I backed off, looking at the pieces of glass and the jewelry scattered over the floor.

I turned around to look at the beautifully made bed and felt the tears running down my face. I took the bedspread with both of my hands, taking it off the bed and throwing it aside. Then, walking around the room, I finally screamed loudly as I sat down on the floor, away from the scattered dresses and jewelry. Both of my hands were on my head as I sat on the carpet, pulling my fingers through my hair as I kept screaming through the tears running down my face. I lost it. I completely lost it.

*****

My screams ceased rapidly as I grew tired again. I was still sitting on the floor with my hands on my head when I heard the door unlocking and Trudy stopping when she saw me and the mess around the dresser.

"Oh, my God, Miss. Are you all right?" She ran towards me, leaving the door open, and helped me to stand up.

"I'm all right," I said hoarsely. "You don't have to clean this up. Leave it like this."

"But Miss--"

"That's an order, Trudy." I looked seriously into her eyes, and she nodded, leaving the room for a moment and coming back with a tray with my lunch. "I don't want to--" There was a knock on the sitting room door.

Trudy left the tray in my room and excused herself, closing my door, and I heard her steps and then the sound of her unlocking the other door.

"Hello, Miss Trudy." I froze for a moment. Harry's voice. "Is Miss Hockley here?"

There was a brief silence, and I walked quietly towards the door, laying my ear against it to listen. I held back my sobs, trying to keep silent.

"She...she's sleeping," Trudy said nervously. "She’s still very sick. She needs to rest."

"May I see her?" he asked. There was another pause. "I will not wake her up. I just want to make sure she is all right." I closed my eyes and felt the tears rolling down my face. Oh, how I wanted to leave the room and run into his arms.

"I'm sorry, sir. I can't let you in," Trudy answered, her voice shaking nervously.

"Are you all right?" he asked, his voice concerned. She must have nodded. "Well, you don't seem very all right. Is there something wrong?"

"Nothing is wrong. It's just that you know Mr. Hockley does not want you here, sir."

"Well, I saw him at service with his fiancée. He won't be back anytime soon." I smiled for a moment.

"I'm sorry. I just can't let you in."

"Officer Lowe," said another voice. I opened my eyes wide. Mr. Lovejoy.

I heard Harry clearing his throat. "Sir," he said.

"Miss Hockley does not want to be disturbed," Mr. Lovejoy said, and I heard his steps entering the sitting room. Bastard. "I advise you to leave her. And I mean it."

"Something is going on here," Harry said, quick-witted again. Please, Harry, just leave, I thought as I closed my eyes again.

"Yes, something is," Mr. Lovejoy said calmly. "You’re an officer and you're looking for an engaged, first class lady in her stateroom. This is completely unacceptable. I believe you don't want your superiors to hear about this. So, leave now, and I will forget I saw you here," he concluded. Son of a bitch!

There was a long silence, and I heard footsteps fading away gradually as the door to the sitting room closed. Harry had left, and so had Mr. Lovejoy when Trudy opened the door. I had already backed up. I could see no one in the sitting room.

"Did you hear that, Miss?" Trudy asked as she walked through my room, preparing my lunch.

"I did," I said quietly through my tears. She looked up at me.

"I'm so sorry, Miss," she said, frowning. "I really feel for you."

"Don't feel for me," I said, gesturing quietly. "It's a pain that I don't wish on anyone."

Chapter Nine
Stories