AFTER STARTING ANEW
Chapter Twenty-One
Cora's nose twitched at the smell of French
toast closing in on her room. The only person who could make it her favorite way
was her father. He had the perfect technique for slicing the bread nice and
thin, and then frying it enough so that the outsides were delicately crispy.
She was shocked to think that he had taken the time to make it for her this
morning considering that last night he had been in rather a sad and serious
mood. Somewhere along the line during the night, he must have cheered up, for
she heard him whistling now as his footsteps sounded on the stairs and the
sweet odor of her breakfast grew stronger. "Morning, Cora." Jack
kicked the half closed-door open with his foot and eased himself and the
unwieldy tray into her room. "Made your favorite breakfast this morning. I
found a stale loaf of bread and it was just perfect for my French toast."
Cora wrinkled her face at this piece of
information. "Dad, that is awful. You really don't use stale bread. You're
kidding aren't you?"
As he busied himself arranging Cora's tray on
her lap he just shook his head and laughed. "Nope. That has been my
special ingredient all these years." He held up his finger as a warning
sign. "But no fair telling anyone now. I've let you alone in on my
culinary secret."
She could not suppress a tiny giggle thinking
how much fun it would be to tease Patrick about that. He was just gullible enough
to fall for whatever she told him. His visits to her sickroom were one of the
few times that she laughed easily and did not feel shy about her weakened
condition. Even when her older siblings and her parents catered to her every
whim, Patrick, with his seven-year-old innocence, made her feel like there was
nothing wrong with her.
Jack was pleased to see Cora laugh at his
remarks this morning. He knew that their goodnights last night had been
strained at best. Disturbing him enough so that he had not been able to sleep
too much. He had struggled with what the right path to take with his daughter,
who felt that her future was hopeless. And she had every right to feel that
way. Lord knows, he knew how she felt. However, he also understood he had a
right as her parent to see if he could not turn her attitude around. If he
succeeded even a little, he would be happy. He had taken a roller coaster ride
with his emotions during the night and after a great deal of thought, he knew
that in this situation, neither deceit or making her feel guilty were the
solutions to her apathy towards trying to walk. As far as he could see, the
best way to approach the situation was with his usual honest and
straightforward manner. He knew for sure that Rose would frown on anything less
for their youngest daughter, even though their own clashed tempers had awakened
him to reality after the war. He could not see that as a reason to intimidate
his already fragile child now.
"Gee, Dad you are in such a good mood.
You must have slept really good last night." Cora dug her fork into the
tempting slice of bread that by now was oozing with syrup. She saw a shadow in
her father's face as he answered.
Jack sighed as he slowly sat at the foot of
her bed. "No, Cora, I really did not sleep well. I was doing a lot of
thinking. And we need to talk as soon as you as done eating. Mind if I have a
sip of your milk?"
"No, Dad, I can't drink it all
anyway." She shook her head in confusion, dreading to think what her
father was wanting to discuss now. If it had anything to do with going back to
school in a wheelchair, or putting on those wretched braces, she would have
none of it. She had meant every word about staying in this room either forever
or until she was better. Her father made some idle small talk with her as he
had last night, only this time they talked about what she wanted to eat for
dinner when Gran and Arthur were coming the next night. "Oh by the way,
Gran called to say she would be a little late this morning."
Cora chose to ignore that remark and
continued eating. Since she had become ill, Cora had developed the habit of
choosing what she wanted to hear. Something that annoyed all of them. He
watched as she picked at the last few pieces of her breakfast. Jack was glad he
had not eaten as his own stomach was turning somersaults at the impending
conversation. He had not felt this nervous since the day he married Rose. And
those memories led him back to what he had decided after all and that was just
to tell Cora how he felt and hopefully succeed in explaining to her how much he
understood her problems. He only hoped that he would not make a fool of himself
by breaking down in the process.
"Finished?" he asked, surveying her
almost empty plate.
"Yes." Cora let him take the tray
and put it on the floor in the hallway where they both knew that Clancy would
enjoy the leftovers. Her head was down and her hands balled into fists in a
posture that translated to Jack, the word stubborn.
Jack pulled a ladder back chair next to
Cora's bed, trying to reassure her with his own nervous smile. "Cora, we
have to talk about what is going to happen with you. You know you can't stay in
this room forever as much as you know that you can't stop studying and quit
school. You need to live your life. I know you can try if you…"
Cora pursed her lips in anger and covered her
ears with her hands. "No," she screeched at the top of her lungs.
"No one understands. No one. I wish I were dead. I wish Mama were
here." Her eyes filled with tears and her bottom lip protruded as she sat
shaking in anger.
Jack had expected such a reaction. His own
gut feeling was to stand up throw the chair against the wall and walk out. But
that would only start yet another battle. He let her cry for a few moments,
before trying to talk to her again. This time he got right to the point. Not
mincing any words, he started right in, before she could say a word.
"Cora, I understand you. I was crippled once too. For four months I could
not walk. I was blind as well. It happened during the war." He paused to
see if he had caught her attention. When she did not answer, but sat motionless
instead, he decided to go on. "When I came home from the war, I promised
your mother that we would never talk about what happened again. But now I need
to break that promise, Cora, because I think it is the only way to make you see
what is happening to you, what you are doing to yourself. Do you want me to go
on?"
She gave an almost imperceptible nod of her
head and he continued to tell her the story of what had happened to him at
almost the very end of the war. He explained how he had been so thrilled to get
the letter from Rose about his new baby daughter and just days after that,
their lives had been shattered. Cora finally looked up at him when he got to
the part where he arrived totally helpless at the army hospital in Washington.
When Jack told of the disastrous visit with Rose, Cora finally responded.
"But Dad, you love Mama. How could you
not be happy to see her," she asked with the innocence of a young
adolescent.
"Why? Because I had sunk so deep into
this pit filled with self-pity, that I took the line of least resistance and
just struck out at anyone who tried to help me. I know now of course, how much
I had hurt her and we have put those awful days behind us. But what really woke
me up was when she yelled at me. She insulted me and in her own way called me a
coward, because I could not face coming home." Jack leaned his head back
against the chair and realized that his own pulse was racing. Just talking
about that horrible experience brought it back to him as fresh as the day it
happened. "She got a telegram to come home since Frank was sick and she
just walked away, telling me that I could just sit in that hospital and
rot."
Cora lay back against the pillows and stared
at the ceiling, afraid to face her father whose emotionally choked voice
sounded ready to crack. It was almost impossible for her to imagine her father
in that kind of condition. To her and the rest of the Dawson children, he was a
larger than life figure who could do anything better than anyone. She was also
having a hard time imagining her loving parents acting like that. She and her
brothers and sisters would often tease their parents about their mushy
behavior. It sounded to her that for that one time, they almost hated each
other.
"When she walked away, I broke down and
wept. I felt totally ashamed of myself and spent days hating myself for
treating her that way. And when I got home, we…well, you know how much we love
each other." Jack swallowed and took another sip of the glass of milk he
had put on her nightstand. With each experience that he relived in his mind, he
felt more and more exhausted. It was only nine in the morning and already he
felt like he had lived through an entire day. "After you mother left, I
knew that I had to do something to prove to myself and her that I could make
something of my life, in spite of what had happened. That night I called one of
the orderlies over and I asked him if he played chess. He did and I had him
start teaching me to play by feel. I thought that was something I could do with
my children one day. It wasn't much, but it was a start. This man was so kind
and patient. When he saw how determined I was, he started spending more time
with me, encouraging me. He even taught me how to shave without slicing my
throat open."
A whisper of a smile crossed Cora's lips as
he told that part of the story. He had no way though to know if what he was
saying was sinking in. "I had just started to learn Braille when slowly my
vision started to return and in another few weeks, the feeling in my legs came
back as well. In the meantime, I had learned to do a lot of things by feel and
I could get around pretty well in a wheel chair. I was lucky Cora. I'm okay
now. What I am trying to get at here, is that you have to try too. Maybe some
of the muscles in your legs will get better. And think of those people who got
polio who need to live in an iron lung. Cora, all I am asking is that you try
for me today. Just to put the braces in and get the crutches out. See how it
feels to be standing upright again. I won't let anything happen to you. Trust
me. I'll go clean up the kitchen and be right back up." Jack stood up
slowly, keenly feeling the old aches from the war. Well, he was fighting a different
one today. It was no wonder he was a little sore. "What do you say,
Cora?"
"Dad, I'm sorry. I never knew how sick
you were." He could hardly hear her softly murmured words.
"That's okay. When I came home and held
you for the first time, you were even more special because of what I had been
through. I had never even seen a picture of you as a baby, because…" Jack
had to stop. He had been afraid of losing control and if he went on, he knew it
would happen. Maybe what he had already said, made enough of an impression on
Cora. "You rest now for a few minutes. Okay?" Jack gripped his
daughter's shoulder, wishing with all his might that he could just will her to
walk. She still had the look of the athletic girl she had been until several
months ago. At a quick glance, it was hard to imagine she was even sick.
"Life's not fair, is it sweetie?"
"No, Daddy. It's not." She wiped
the tears from her face. With a pensive expression on her face, she looked into
her father's eyes. When he had brought her breakfast just an hour ago, he had
looked so happy. Now, she suspected what had caused the redness around his
eyes. His hair was mussed from constantly pulling his fingers through it while
talking to her. And as he stood up, it disturbed her to see his shoulders slump
slightly. For the first time, she could see that her illness had deeply
affected her father as well. If it would make him happy, she would try for a
few minutes to use the dreaded implements that stood in the corner. But in her
heart, she knew that she was doing it for her own good as well. "Could you
maybe put the braces here where I can reach them?" Cora patted the top of
the mattress.
Inside his spirits soared to the sky.
Outwardly, he tried to maintain his composure. If things worked out, Rose would
be thrilled and surprised beyond words. "Sure thing." He carefully
lifted the leather and metals braces and places them next to her. With her
request, Jack suddenly felt an urge to stand tall and give Cora a reassuring
smile. He had one more request for her, one that would make them
co-conspirators, but he didn't want to have to talk about his illness again. It
took too much of a toll on him. "Cora?"
She looked up from the braces that she had
been studying. "Yes, Dad?"
"What we talked about today? Can we just
keep it between the two of us? I think we have a special bond, you and I. And
it makes you even more precious to me. Deal?" He put his hand out to her
and swallowed hard as she grasped his tightly.
"Deal, Dad."
Taking a chance that her sense of humor was still
intact, he could not resist a parting comment as he left to go and clean up.
"Don't go anywhere without me." He looked back and gave her a wink,
not knowing how she would react.
But all she did was smile and with
exasperation said, "Daddy."