i'm beginning to tell myself that it has to be me. it can't be everyone else. theres something about me that it seems everyone hates, and no matter how hard i try to be what everyone can accept, i never can succeed in gaining their approval. i'm always standing on the sidelines, wishing i could be in their position, wishing that someone could think i'm as great as i think they are. it cant be all of them thats doing something wrong. something about me has to make everyone turn against me.
but its fucked up, being where i am, knowing not a single person int he world, besides my aprents gives a fuck if i live or die. seeing everyone laugh, seeing them pretend to tolerate me, and i know that in their heads they're just wishing i get the fuck away, quit calling, quit trying to weasel my way into their lives. with their perfect storylines and they're masses of friends. how well liked they are even if most people hate them. because it seems that everyone is more liked then me right now, always really. i've never been able to say that someone thinks as much of me as i do of them. i've never been anything to anyone. a reason for them to wake up, something for them to look forward to.
and i'm starting to hate myself. just as much as everyone else. i look at myself and i know i'll never be more then them, because they have what it seems i'll never have. i wonder sometimes what its like to wake up and know you have a friend you can count on and actually trust, a real friend like in a movie or out of a book. because no matter how far back i remember, i cant actually say i've ever been that close to anyone. i may think i have, but in the end it turns out theres always someone whos just a little more better of a friend them me, someone the person would rather be with.
it hurts to know that i'm alone. i have no idea what makes everyone turn on me, but to all of you it is me that makes it this way. but in my head i cant decifer why you all hate me so much. to me it seems i did all i could to make you happy, to be a good friend. sometimes i dropped below normal, sometimes i breakdown, but we all do, and thats nothing to leave a friend for. i give them everything i possibly can. i cannot see what i'm doing wrong, but obviously everyone else can, so please tell me and i'll gladly work on it.
handicapped
