i lost everything that i'd bearly recovered, and now its gone again. my composure and my stance, my ability to stay sane and make the right choices, all of it flew out the door when i opened it to let you in. i was asking for everyhting that i've recieved and yet i still comtemplate why once again its me thats in the wrong. in my head i know its not me, i know its just as much of you and just as much of the timing and the emotions, but still all this blame lays on me and i have no reason yet i feel guilty. i've hurt just another person who's walked into my life and even if you cant see it yet you will soon, because i'm not able to hide my feelings well. it was just an accident, just something that couldnt have been avoided it was inevitable and yet i know that if i had closed my eyes and wished it away, things would be better. not that its wrong, not that i dont appreciate what you've done for me. but you see, in my mind, i've played this over and over with so many people. and you have so much to lose. i
have nothing, so that makes a difference.
maybe its true, maybe its in my head and in my blood and maybe it pours out of the open spaces on my body like blood from an open wound. maybe all of this happened for a reason. but maybe all of this happened just to fuck my life up a little more. i cant take the looks you shot at me and the way you turned your back, even though i know it was nothign to you, theres this intuition someone like me has, and i could read your mind right then. i knew what you were thinking and how low you thought of me for what i'd done. but please understand, i'm just a little girl, who needs that extra stretch of attention, and you offered, so i accepted. i'm sorry if you think differently of me now, and i'm sorry if things never will be quite the same, although we both will pretend they are. in our heads we know they wont be. no more am i just a figure to guide you through everything bad wen noone is there, and no longer are you someone i look to for comfort and security. admittance is a hard thing, but denial is the first sign of abuse
handicapped
