you know, when i started this page...i was a scared little girl who didn't quite understand the whole point of growing up. I tryed to be something i never was, something i never could be, and it depressed me because i was striving for this unattainable goal, but i knew it was the only way to save myself.
but now i'd like to be able to say that i know so much more and ive seen so much more, even in the short time its been since i began this page 3 years ago. i've learned so much about life and love and why things happen like they do. its scary to think that i thought i knew it all back then, when i see that ive got such a ways to go now.
so ill start off now. I was born at 1:35 pm on jan 20 1982, in watertown new york, and thats where i have lived my entire life. im not planning on staying any longer then i have to though. i grew up normal i guess... as normal as it can get i suppose. my mother was a drunk, my father tryed to hide it... thats normal right... ? shes recovered though, and i love them both very much....the 3 of us have learned alot together. my parents mean alot to me and although i think i hate them sometimes, i wouldnt be here if it wasnt for them.
so my life continues and i find myself in my senior year of high school bored out of my mind. and its not the good kind of bored, where i just was so smart that it bored me. it was the kind of bored that nobody wants there kid to get their senior year. needless to say i didn't graduate in 2000 as i was suposed to. i dropped out and got my GED....i tryed the whole college deal...but that was worse then high school, i just seemed to get lazier. I work, every once in awhile, if i can keep a job, but basically im watching my life fade away, and i let it. It seems almost as of lately, im just waiting to disinegrate.
i dont like to talk about love...when it comes to love i just mess it up everytime, still chasing people away when they get too close or learn too much. that 'amazing' punk boi i spoke of before, is long gone and when i look back, i kind of regret the whole thing, but he tought me the most important lesson ive ever learned.
love is too fucked up for me. give me a boi that will hold me all night long....a boi that tells me it will be ok... and i think im hooked. but now im cautious. i dont have much of a heart left i guess... so i got to becareful who i give it to.
im not really as complicated as i like to pretend to be. i guess deep inside me i know that im just a little girl still, trying to make it through the best i can and keep my head up ....its so hard sometimes....
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