A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
I go to work every day and put in eight hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.
God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the manís wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, pay the bills, and balance the checkbook.
He cleaned the catís litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1:00 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 p.m. he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9:00 p.m. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores werenít finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, ďLord, I donít know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wifeís being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back.Ē
The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, replied, ďMy son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. Youíll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last nightĒ
George Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for
all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with
one dogfight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting
dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled
to dominate the world.
Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler
female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest,
meanest Siberian wolves.
They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each
litter and removed his siblings,
which gave him all the milk.
After 5 years they came up with the biggest,
meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel
bars that were 5" thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dogfight, Bush showed up with a
strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Every
one felt sorry for Bush because they knew there was no way that
this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistan
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its
cage and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's
dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American
Dachshund, but when it got close enough to bite the
Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened its mouth and
consumed Osama's dog in one bite.
There was nothing left of the entire dog!
Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief.... "We
don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best
people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and
Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian
"That's nothing." said Bush. "We had our best plastic surgeons
working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog.
In Sydney, Australia one of the radio stations pays
money ($1000-$5000) for people to tell their most
embarrassing stories. This one netted the winner $5000:
I was due later in the week for an appointment with
Early one morning, I received a call from the Drs.í
office to say I had been rescheduled for early that
morning at 9:30 a.m. I had only just packed everyone
off to work and school and it was already around
8:45a.m. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes,
so I didnít have any time to spare.
As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort
over hygiene when making such visits. But this time I
wasnít going to be able to make the full effort. So I
rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the
washcloth was sitting next to the sink, and gave
myself a quick wash in ďthat areaĒ to make sure I was
at least presentable.
I threw the washcloth in the clothesbasket, donned
some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my
I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when I
was called in. Knowing the procedure, as Iím sure you
do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other
side of the room and pretended I was in Paris or some
other place a million miles away from where I was. I
was a little surprised when the Dr. said, ďMy, we have
taken an extra effort this morning, havenít we?Ē
But I didnít respond. The appointment was over, I
heaved a sigh of relief,and went home. The rest of the
day was normal, some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.
After school, my six-year-old daughter was playing and
called out from the bathroom, ďMum, whereís my
I called back for her to get another one from the
She called back, ďNo, I need the one that was here by
the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it.Ē
20 Clues a Woman Should Call it a Night:
1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.
2. I believe that dancing with my arms over head and my butt wiggling
while yelling woo-hoo is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3. Iíve suddenly decide I want to kick someoneís ass and honestly
believe I could do it too.
4. In my last trip to ďpeeĒ I realize I now look more like Tammy Faye
Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.
5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. slice of pizza on the floor (which Iím eating
even though Iím not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on
6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo
7. There are less than three hours before Iím due to start work.
8. Iíve found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.
9. The man Iím flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and
become strangely overwhelming.
11. My eyes just donít seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep
them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.
12. Iíve suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just
lemonade, but thatís just because I can no longer taste the gin.
14. I think Iím in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen
15. I start every conversation with a booming, ďDonít take this the
wrong way but...Ē
16. I fail to notice that the toilet lidís down when I sit on it.
17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. Iím tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be
standing) and take a quick nap.
19. I begin leaving the buttonís open on my button fly pants to cut
on the time Iím in the washroom away from my drink.
20. I take my shoes off because I believe itís their fault that Iím
having problems walking straight.
This has got to be one of the cleverest e-mails that
I have seen
lately. Someone out there either has far too much
spare time or is
> George Bush:
> When you rearrange the letters: He bugs Gore
> When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room
> When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It
> The Morse Code:
> When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots
> Slot Machines:
> When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in em
> When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity
> When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler
> Snooze Alarms:
> When you rearrange the letters: Alas! No More Z's
> A Decimal Point:
> When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place
> The Earthquakes:
> When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake
> Eleven plus two:
> When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one
> And for the grand finale:
> PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
> It can be rearranged (With no letters left over, and
> using each
> letter only once) into: TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERN.
After much arguing and deliberation, historians
this week have come up with
phrase to describe the Clinton Era. It will be
SEX BETWEEN THE BUSHES.
The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta announced
that Clinton has proven
that you can get sex from Aides.
Gennifer Flowers was asked if her relationship with
Clinton was anything
Monica Lewinski's. She replied, "Close, but no
The FBI has coined a technical term for the
stains found on Monica's
Clinton now recruits interns from only four
Moorhead, Oral Roberts, Ball State and Brigham
Did you know that Clinton had asked to change the
Democratic emblem from a
donkey to a condom? It represents inflation, halts
production, and gives
a false sense of security while you are being
Arkansas is very proud of Bill Clinton.
All these women coming forward ,and not one is his
Finally, Hillary Clinton recently went to a
fortuneteller who intoned,
"Prepare to become widow. Your husband will soon
suffer a violent death!"
Hillary took a deep breath and asked, "Will I be
Herman Schultz's Collection of Engineer Jokes
The afterlife of an engineer
An engineer dies and goes to the pearly gates of
heaven. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Oh,
it says here that you're in the wrong place. You've
been assigned to hell". The engineer wonders what it
was that he had done on earth to deserve hell as he
thought he had led a good Christian life on earth.
After all, he went to church every Sunday, tried never
to swear, and did charitable work on a regular basis.
Still, who was he to argue with St. Peter. Thus, the
engineer reports to the gates of hell and the devil
escorts him in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the
level of comfort in hell. All of the fire and
brimstone made life much more uncomfortable than it
needed to be. In addition, it seems that there is
always some hellish work to do and the engineer is
disillusioned that his dream of life ever after
playing golf in heaven isn't ever going to come true.
After studying the situation for a while, the engineer
begins to design a fire extinguisher system utilizing
sprinklers. The engineer figures that the sprinkler
system will not only put out the fires, but will also
serve as an evaporative refrigeration unit to cool
hell off and make life a bit more tolerant.
Just as planned, the sprinkler system worked as
designed and the engineer succeeded in lowering the
temperature in hell to a comfortable 75 degrees F.
The engineer is so pleased with his work that he
begins planning more improvement projects. Soon there
are swimming pools, tennis courts, and baseball
diamonds. The engineer then works to landscape the
country side with rivers, lakes, and trees. He then
designs an intricate system of agriculture that yields
fresh fruits, vegetables, and grains while supporting
livestock and dairy products. The engineer also
designs and builds a brewery and winery to further
enhance their newly improved dining experiences.
Finally, the engineer submits to his life long desire
to design and construct a 36 hole champion style golf
course. In addition, he designs and constructs a golf
equipment plant to build high technology golf clubs to
Upon completing the crown jewel golf courses, the
occupants of hell decide to have a big golf tournament
and benefit dinner in the honor of the engineer who
has improved all of their conditions from their once
hellish nature to one of leisure and fun. Word of the
golf tournament reaches God and the angels in heaven.
God immediately calls the devil up on the telephone
and asks, "What's going on down there in hell?" "You
people are not supposed to be enjoying life and
playing golf." "You people are supposed to be
punished for all the bad and evil actions you
committed throughout your lives on earth." The devil
replies, "Hey, things have really changed a lot around
here and are now going great. We've got air
conditioning, flush toilets and escalators." We now
eat fresh fruit, steaks, and beer, with golf, tennis,
and baseball tournaments every weekend." "We are even
thinking of putting in a ice skating arena." We have
this great engineer down here and there is no limit to
what this engineer can do."
God asks the devil what the engineer's name is. The
devil gives God the engineer's name. God looks up the
engineer's name in his list and sees that the guy did
a lot of good in his life on earth and determines that
an error was made when the engineer was sent to hell.
God tells the devil about the mistake and that the
engineer is supposed to be in heaven. God tells the
devil to send the man up to heaven right away.
The devil says, "No way. I like having an engineer on
my staff and we're keeping him." "He has done so many
good things here, we need him to stay and continue his
work." "Besides, if anything goes wrong, we need him
to fix things or we could be back where we were before
God says, "You have to send him back up here to heaven
or I'll sue you." The devil laughs uproariously and
answers, "Yeah, right. And just WHERE ARE YOU GOING
TO FIND A LAWYER IN HEAVEN?"
Have better answer ?
This was an "Actual Question" given on a University
of Washington chemistry midterm exam:
"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)? Support your answer with proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and
heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is
changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that
souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are
leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once
a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many
souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Some of
these religions state that if you are not a member of
their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are
more than one of these religions and since people do
not belong to more than one religion, we can project
that all people and all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect
the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in
Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for
temperature and the pressure in Hell to stay the same,
the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the
rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature
and pressure in Hell will increase until All Hell
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster
than the increase of souls in Hell, then the
temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese
Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a
cold night in Hell before I sleep with you", and take
into account the fact that I still have not succeeded
in that area, then (2) cannot be true,
and so Hell must be exothermic.
This student got the only A.
The History of Teaching Math
Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his
Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What
is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M"
of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each
element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots
representing the elements of the set "M". The set
"C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points
than set "M". Represent the set "C" as a subset of set
"M" and answer the following question:
What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?
Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your
assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger
makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a
living? Topic for class participation after answering
the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels
feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no
Teaching Math in 1996:
By laying off 402 of its loggers, a company improves
its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital
gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his
stock options at $80. Assume capital gains are no
longer taxed, because this encourages investment.
Teaching Math in 1997:
A company outsources all of its loggers. They save on
benefits and when demand for their product is down the
logging work force can easily be cut back. The average
logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had 3
weeks vacation, received a nice retirement plan and
medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50
an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?
Teaching Math in 1998:
A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to
its Indonesian subsidiary and lays off the
corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid
half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the
rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its
remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the
spotted owl is responsible for the absence of fellable
trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the
Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the
company from all federal regulation. What is the
return on investment of the lobbying costs?
ARE YOU KIDDING?
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human
Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh
out of MIT, "What starting salary were you thinking
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a
year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a
package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full
medical and dental, company matching retirement fund
to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2
years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you
The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
When Choosing A Mate, Compare These Other
Professionals To Engineers
Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so don't
expect your relationship to last more than 5 years.
Eventually, he'll run off with some nurse from his
office, or one of his young women patients that is
pretending to be sick. He'll wait until you are stuck
with a few kids to do this. This is not a problem
with your Engineer husband. He had a hard enough time
meeting you. It is unlikely he'll ever meet another
woman in his profession.
Do You seriously expect an honest, trusting
relationship with someone who gets paid for lying?
Once again, this is not a problem with your Engineer
spouse. He doesn't have enough social skills to lie
convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying a
lawyer is when the divorce happens you will get
See honesty segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be
traveling to trade shows, etc. where he will be in the
company of other equally trustworthy individuals.
Don't be surprised when you get the invitation to show
up on the Ricki Lake show. The company that your
Engineer husband works at will keep him in a cage,
often called a cubicle, until he is ready to go home
HAZARDOUS PROFESSIONS, I.E. POLICE OFFICER,
FIREFIGHTER, CONSTRUCTION WORKER, ETC.
Your husband, if he is not dead by some accident, will
likely be crippled with a back injury, etc. just about
the time you are at your sexual peak. The only
hazards that your Engineer husband will face is losing
his eyesight by staring at the terminal for too long.
This hazard actually has some benefits. For one, he
will not notice that you are getting older, since you
will be a blur. He will remember you as when he first
met you, because the memory will still be sharp, and
you ask "Honey, were you looking at her?", he'll
honestly be able to say that he didn't even see her.
The only reason he entered this profession is so that
he could be surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls
who idolize him. He'll be in jail soon, and then
you'll have to look for another man.
See Teacher and substitute the word "girls" with
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates
reportedly compared the computer industry with the
auto industry and stated:
ďIf GM had kept up with technology like the computer
industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five
dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal.Ē
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by
releasing the following statement:
ďYes, but would you want your car to crash twice a
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you
would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for
no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your
car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install
the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept
4. You could only have one person in the car at a
time, unless you bought ďCar95Ē or ďCarNTĒ. But, then
you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the
sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy
to drive, but would only run on five percent of the
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive
Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make
their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be
replaced by a single ďgeneral car defaultĒ warning
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same
9. The airbag system would say ďare you sure?Ē before
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no
idea what happened.
Start with a cage containing five apes.
In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs
under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs
and start to climb towards the banana, but as soon as
he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold
water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt
with the same result; all the apes are sprayed with
Turn off the cold water.
If, later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the
other apes will try to prevent it even though no water
Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with
a new one.
The New ape sees the banana and wants to climb the
stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack
him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that
if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five apes and
replace it with another new ape.
The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The
previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with
Again, replace a third original ape with a new one.
The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as
well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea
why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or
why they are participating in the beating of the
After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes,
all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water
have been replaced.
Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs.
ďBecause thatís the way itís always been around here.Ē
ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST
You walk into a room and notice that a picture is
hanging crooked. You...
A. Straighten it.
B. Ignore it.
C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months
designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture
frame while often stating aloud your belief that the
inventor of the nail was a total moron.
The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be
given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin
of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on
Engineers have different objectives when it comes to
"Normal" people expect to accomplish several
unrealistic things from social interaction:
*Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
*Important social contacts
*A feeling of connectedness with other humans
In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have
rational objectives for social interactions:
*Get it over with as soon as possible.
*Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
*Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all
FASCINATION WITH GADGETS
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be
placed into one of two categories:
(1) things that need to be fixed, and
(2) things that will need to be fixed after you've had
a few minutes to play with them.
Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no
problems handily available, they will create their own
problems. Normal people don't understand this
concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't
have enough features yet. No engineer looks at a
television remote control without wondering what it
would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer
can take a shower without wondering if some sort of
Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To
the engineer, the world is a toy box full of
sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.
FASHION AND APPEARANCE
Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer,
assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and
decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are
freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia
or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view,
then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything
else is a waste.
LOVE OF "STAR TREK"
Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows
and movies. It's a small wonder, since the engineers
on the starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes,
occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is
much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer,
which consists of hiding from the universe and having
sex without the participation of other life forms.
DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE
Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person
will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods
to create a false impression of attractiveness.
Engineers are incapable of placing appearance
above function. Fortunately, engineers have an ace in
the hole. They are widely recognized as superior
marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed,
honest, and handy around the house. While it's true
that many normal people would prefer not to date an
engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire
to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like
children who will have high-paying jobs long before
losing their virginity. Male engineers reach their
peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men,
becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid
thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples
of sexually irresistible men in technical professions:
* Bill Gates.
Female engineers become irresistible at the age of
consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes
after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm
Engineers are always honest in matters of technology
and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea
to keep engineers away from customers, romantic
interests, and other people who can't handle the
truth. Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid
work. They say things that sound like lies but
technically are not because nobody could be expected
to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies
is listed below.
"I won't change anything without asking you
"I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow." "I have to have new equipment to do my job."
"I'm not jealous of your new computer."
Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because
of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because
every spending situation is simply a problem in
optimization, that is, "How can I escape this
situation while retaining the greatest amount of
POWERS OF CONCENTRATION
If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it
is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the
complete exclusion of everything else in the
environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be
pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in
high-tech areas have started checking
resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a
degree in electrical engineering or experience in
computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a
few days just to see if he or she snaps out
Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it
whenever they can. This is understandable, given that
when an engineer makes one little mistake, the media
will treat it like it's a big deal or something.
EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS
* Space Shuttle Challenger.
* Hubble space telescope.
* Apollo 13.
* Ford Pinto.
The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks
something like this:
RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands
of innocent people.
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome
Being practical people, engineers evaluate this
balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is
not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by
advising that any activity is technically impossible
for reasons that are far too complicated to explain.
If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project,
then the engineer will fall back to a second line of
"It's technically possible but it will cost too much."
Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:
* How smart they are.
* How many cool devices they own.
The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem
is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No
engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem
until it's solved. No illness or distraction is
sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These
types of challenges quickly become personal-a battle
between the engineer and the laws of nature.
Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to
solve a problem. (Other times just because they
forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem
they will experience an ego rush that is better than
sex and I'm including the kind of sex where other
people are involved. Nothing is more threatening to
the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has
more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use
that knowledge as a lever to
extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer
says that something can't be done (a code phrase that
means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people
have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of
compassion and pity and say something along these
lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how
to solve difficult technical problems." At that point
it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand
between the engineer and the problem. The engineer
will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on
a pork chop.
lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to
At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and
watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one
ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their
respective seats but all three engineers cram into a
restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor
comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the
restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door
opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a
ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever
So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy
the engineers on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket
for the return trip. To their astonishment, the
engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks
one perplexed lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.
When they board the train the three lawyers cram into
a restroom and the three engineers cram into another
The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the
engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the
restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on
the door and says, "Ticket, please!
Engineering Philosophy of Life
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had
some items in front of him. When the class began,
wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar
and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in
diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was
The class agreed that the jar was full. So the
professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured
them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The
pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between
the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar
The class agreed that the jar was full. The students
laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and
poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up
"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise
that this is your life. The rocks are the important
things - your family, your partner, your health, your
children, maybe even the dog - things that if
everything else was lost and only they remained, your
life would still be full. The pebbles are the other
things that matter like your job, your house, your
car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff."
"If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no
room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for
your life. If you spend all your time and energy on
the small stuff, you will never have room for the
things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your
Play with your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out dancing.
There will always be time to go to work, clean the
house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal."
"Take care of the rocks first - the things that
really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just
But then... An Engineering student then took the jar
which the other students and the professor agreed was
full, and proceeded to pour in a bottle of beer (he
had with him in case of an emergency). Of course the
beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making
the jar truly full.
The moral of this tale is: You can always find one
smart ass Engineering student in every philosophy
class and ....... That no matter how full your life
is, there is always room for BEER.
The Engineer & the Geologist
A Geologist and an engineer are sitting next to each
other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Geologist
leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like
to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a
nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the
window to catch a few winks.
The Geologist persists and explains that the game is
real easy and a lotta fun. He explains, "I ask you a
question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me
$5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know
the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the Engineer
politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The
Geologist now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you
don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't
know the answer, I'll pay you $50!"
This catches the Engineer's attention, and he sees no
end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to
the game. The Geologist asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?"
The Engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his
wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to
Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Geologist,
"What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down
on four?" The Geologist looks up at him with a puzzled
look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches
all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with
his modem and searches the net and the Library of
Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his
co-workers -- all to no avail.
After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands
him $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns
away to try to get back to sleep.
The Geologist is more than a little miffed, shakes
the Engineer and asks, "Well, so what's the answer?"
Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet,
hands the Geologist $5, and turns away to get back to
Mathematicians vs Physicists vs Engineers
What is "pi"?
Mathematician: Pi is the number expressing the
relationship between the circumference of a circle and
Physicist: Pi is 3.1415927 plus or minus 0.000000005.
Engineer: Pi is about 3.
A mathematician, an engineer, and a physicist are
being interviewed for a job. In each case, the
interview goes along famously until the last question
is asked: "How much is one plus one?" Each of them
suspects a trap, and is hesitant to answer. The
mathematician thinks for a moment, and says "I'm not
sure, but I think it converges". The physicist says
"I'm not sure, but I think it's on the order of two".
The engineer gets up, closes the door to the office,
and says "How much do you want it to be?"
An Engineer, a Physicist, and a Mathematician all go
to the same Conference. University budgets being what
they are, they all stay in the same cheap hotel. Each
room has the same floor plan, has the same cheap TV,
the same cheap bed, and a small bathroom. Instead of
a sprinkler system, the hotel has opted for Fire
The Engineer, Physicist, and Mathematician are all
asleep in bed. At about 2AM, the Physicist wakes up
because he smells smoke. He looks in the corner of
the room and sees that the TV set is on fire! He
dashes into the bathroom, fills the Fire Bucket to
overflowing with water, and drenches the TV set. The
fire goes out, and the Physicist goes back to sleep.
A little while later, the Engineer wakes because he
smells smoke. He looks in the corner of his room and
sees that the TV set is on fire. He grabs a handy
envelope, estimates the BTU output of the fire,
scribbles a quick calculation, then dashes into the
bathroom and fills the Fire Bucket with just enough
water to douse the flames. He puts the fire out and
goes back to sleep.
In a little while, the Mathematician wakes up to the
smell of smoke. He looks in the corner of his room
and sees the TV on fire. He looks into the bathroom
and sees the Fire Bucket. Having determined that a
solution exists, he goes back to sleep.
Petroleum Engineering Disciplines
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at
the animals on display. While he was there, another
customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll
have a Drilling Engineer monkey please."
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the
side of the shop and took out one of the monkeys. He
fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer
saying, "That'll be $5000." The customer paid and
walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and
said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of
them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that
one cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can write
drilling programs, design casing strings and even help
out with drilling operations. It makes very few
mistakes and is well worth the money."
The tourist looked at the other monkeys in the cage.
"That one's even more expensive! Its $10,000! What
does it do?"
"Oh, that one's a Completion Engineer monkey; it can
design completions, knows a little about the
reservoir, has to deal with mistakes made by the
Drilling Engineer monkey, and it can even do some
calculations. All the really useful stuff," said the
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw
a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag
around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the
shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the other
monkeys put together! What on earth does it do?"
The shopkeeper replied, "Well, to tell you the truth,
I haven't actually seen it do anything. But it says
it's a Reservoir Engineer."
ENGINEERS TAKE THE FUN OUT OF XMAS
There are approximately two billion children (persons
under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not
visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist
(except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the
workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or
378 million (according to the population reference
bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5
children per household, that comes to 108 million
homes, presuming there is at least one good child in
Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with,
thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of
the earth, assuming east to west (which seems
logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second.
This is to say that for each Christian household with
a good child, Santa has around 1/1000 th of a second
to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney,
fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents
under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for
him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and
get onto the next house.
Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is
evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course,
we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes
of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78
miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million
miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This
means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per
second--3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes
of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the
Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per
second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best)
15 miles per hour.
The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting
element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more
than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh
is carrying over 500 thousands tons, not counting
Santa himself. On
land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than
300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer
can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can't be
done with eight or even nine of them---Santa would
need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not
counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000
tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the
Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second
creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up
the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft
reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of
reindeer would adsorb 14.3 quintillion joules of
energy per second each. In short, they would burst
into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the
reindeerbehind them and creating deafening sonic booms
in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be
vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or
right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on
Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a
result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s.
in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration
forces of 17,000 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems
ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the
sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly
crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a
quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did
exist, he's dead now.
Top 24 Engineersí Terms and Expressions
What they say versus what they mean...
1. A number of different approaches are being tried.
(We are still guessing at this point.)
2. Close project coordination.
(We sat down and had coffee together.)
3. An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh
(We just hired three punk kids out of school.)
4. Major technological breakthrough!
(It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!)
5. Customer satisfaction is believed assured.
(We are so far behind schedule, that the customer
will take anything.)
6. Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive.
(The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)
7. Test results were extremely gratifying!
(Unbelievable, it actually worked!)
8. The entire concept will have to be abandoned.
(The only guy who understood the thing quit.)
9. It is in process.
(It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation
is completely hopeless.)
10. We will look into it.
(Forget it! We have enough problems already.)
11. Please note and initial.
(Letís spread the responsibility for this.)
12. Give us the benefit of your thinking.
(Weíll listen to what you have to say as long as
it doesnít interfere with what we have already done or
with what we are going to do.)
13. Give us your interpretation.
(We canít wait to hear your baloney.)
14. See me or letís discuss.
(Come to my office, Iíve screwed up again.)
15. All new.
(Parts are not interchangeable with previous
(Donít plan to lift it without major equipment.)
(Rugged, but more so.)
18. Light weight.
(Slightly lighter than rugged.)
19. Years of development.
(One finally worked.)
20. Energy saving.
(Achieved when the power switch is off.)
21. No maintenance.
(Impossible to fix.)
22. Low maintenance.
(Nearly impossible to fix.)
23. Fax me the data.
(Iím too lazy to write it down.)
24. We are following the standard!
(Thatís the way we have always done it!)
The tomato story
An unemployed man is desperate to support his family. His wife watches TV
all day and his three teenage kids have dropped out of high school to hang
around with the local toughs. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm
and easily passes an aptitude test.
The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of
$5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the
loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you
when to start and where to report on your first day."
Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor
an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to
a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an
e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm.
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his
wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling
25lb crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy
corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the
tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more
that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with
several bags of groceries for his family. During the night he decides to
repeat the tomato business the next day.
By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the
night. He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second week
he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but
before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup
At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their
neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife
is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the
community college so she can keep books for him.
By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and
employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He
continues to work hard.
Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks
and a warehouse which his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms
that the boys manage.
The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people
to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed a million dollars.
Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance.
Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his
new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order
to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and
has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned,
"What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you
would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"
"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping
floors at Microsoft and making $5.15 an hour."
Which brings us to the moral: ...........................
If you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a
janitor than a millionaire.
Oil change instructions for women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Oil change $20.00
Oil change instructions for men:
1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner, and a scented tree.
2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil. Get hot oil on you in process.
12) Clean up mess.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Look for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up. Poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
17) Buddy shows up. Finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer: no, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11. Buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter, making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
30) Drink beer.
31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw wrench.
35) Cuss for additional ten minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Make bail.
50) Get car from impound yard.
Impound fee $75.00
But you know the job was done right!
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such background applications as Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please remember that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.WAV files. DO NOT Install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. It could also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default to the program: Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background and has been known to introduce potentially serious viruses into the Operating System.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and can't learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to enhance his system performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Single Malt Scotch 4.5 combined with such applications as Boob Job 3.6D and that old standby Lingerie 6.x (which have both been credited with improved performance of his hardware).
COMPREHENDING ENGINEERS - TAKE ONE
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said:
"Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied:
"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a
beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground,
took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'" The second
engineer nodded approvingly:
"Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
COMPREHENDING ENGINEERS - TAKE TWO
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
COMPREHENDING ENGINEERS - TAKE THREE
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed: "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting
for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in: "I don't know, but I've never seen such
The pastor said: "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word
"Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather
slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied: "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire
fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire
last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said: "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for
The doctor said: "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
COMPREHENDING ENGINEERS - TAKE FOUR
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all
things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years,
he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him
regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of
their multimillion-dollar machines. They had tried everything and
everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In
desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many
of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying
the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk
on a particular component of the machine and stated: This is where your
problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly
again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his
service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark: $1.00 Knowing where to
put it: $49,999.00
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
COMPREHENDING ENGINEERS - TAKE FIVE
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
COMPREHENDING ENGINEERS - TAKE SIX
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries
COMPREHENDING ENGINEERS - TAKE SEVEN
Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough
COMPREHENDING ENGINEERS - TAKE EIGHT
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it
was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of
the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said: "I like both."
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will
each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go
to the lab and get some work done."
COMPREHENDING ENGINEERS - TAKE NINE
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to
him and said: "If you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog
spoke up again and said: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
beautiful princess, I'll stay with you." The engineer took the frog out
of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then
cried out: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay
with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog
out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally the frog
asked: "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that
I'll stay with you and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said: "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
Time Magazine Cartoons