*Mon Seulement Amour (My Only Love) *-[Chapter 4]

Brian bit at his nails anxiously before glancing at his watch. She wasn’t there, he’d been waiting around for ten minutes and Camille had yet to show up.

“I’m pathetic,” he whispered as he allowed his hands to fall to his thighs before pushing himself into a standing position. As he turned to walk back toward his childhood home he heard the sound of gravel crunching behind him and he slowly turned back around. Camille held up her left hand and forced a slight wave.

“Hey,” she greeted softly as she adjusted the hemmed sleeve of her buttoned up dark brown trench style coat that fell to her mid calf.

“Hi,” Brian responded as he looked into Camille’s blue eyes. Camille stared back for a moment before turning her back to Brian and staring up at the playground.

“That whole thing used to be wood,” she announced as she pointed to the metal play structure. “Except the slide of course and the monkey bars. I’d go home from here with splinters in my hands but it didn’t hurt because when I was here I was happy. Before Dad died he’d take me here and as he pushed me back and forth he’d tell me that if I closed by eyes I could fly from that swing to anywhere I wanted past, present or future. After he got sick I’d run here and pump myself back and forth on the exact swing he had once pushed me on. I’d close my eyes, allow the wind to blow in my face against my tear stained cheeks and I’d chant the same prayer over and over again: ‘Please God give me wings so I can fly back to a time when Daddy wasn’t sick.’ I was eleven when he finally went and that’s when I stopped believing that I had the power to effect anything that happened in my life, I realized that I had no control over how I lived, I lost all of the innocence my Dad had given me.”

“I remember,” Brian whispered.

“I never got that innocence back,” Camille stated. “Since my Father died I’ve never believed in controlling your own destiny. I told myself what was going to happen would happen and I could do nothing but roll with the punches, I had no say in who I became. I was so naďve, I still am.”

“How do you figure?” Brian asked lightly. Camille shook her head back and forth as she turned back to Brian.

“Look who I’ve become,” she insisted softly. “How do I start a list of all the mistakes I’ve made in my life? The first one was letting you walk away when I cared about you. It was just after Christmas in 1993 and I remember watching you get on that plane after we’d decided to split up and thinking ‘I guess this is the way it is, the way it is supposed to be’, I didn’t do anything but watch you go. I should have run after you, stopped you, told you that I was so madly in love with you that I couldn’t breathe when you weren’t around but I didn’t, I just watched you and blamed the powers that be for forcing heartache upon me.”

“I didn’t not go Cam,” Brian said. “I walked away, just like you didn’t follow me I didn’t go back for you. I tried to go on like you never existed, believe me I did but I never forgot anything about you.”

“Neither did I,” Camille agreed. “When I met Eric I constantly compared him to you and for awhile he made me forget and I mistook forgetting about you with falling in love with him. I actually thought that Eric was the one for me because everyone around me told me he was. Second mistake: I married the jerk. I tried to build a life with him, I tried to be what he wanted me to be but I couldn’t become that woman. It’s like I was living in a big hamster wheel and I just keep going around in circles everyday, nothing ever changed and that was comforting because at least it was stability. I did everything he asked of me and I guess one day he woke up and thought to himself ‘her everything is not enough for me’. Third mistake: I didn’t run when he got so angry that he gave me a black eye, or bruised my arms and legs, or broke my nose…I just stayed.”

“When did he start…” Brian began as he took a step toward Camille.

“Two and half months into the marriage,” Camille whispered as she brushed a stray piece of her hair away from her face with her gloved right hand. “I thought for the longest time that if he hit me hard enough just one time he wouldn’t be angry anymore.”

“No,” Brian argued lightly. “It’s not supposed to be like that. He’s supposed to protect you from people like him, he’s supposed to make sure you’re safe, he should be doing all off that.”

“No Brian,” Camille disagreed as she reached out her left hand and cupped Brian’s face in it. “All of those things are things you would be doing. Eric couldn’t do all of that for me even if he tried forever.”

“I’ll take you away then,” Brian stated. “You won’t ever have to look back…”

“Fourth mistake,” Camille interrupted softly. “I left you without saying goodbye, I walked away that time.”

“Why? If he is hurting you why did you go? I can take care of you Camille,” Brian insisted.

“I was scared,” Camille confessed. “Here I am thinking that my life is the way it is supposed to be and you come along and sweep me off me feet like Eric, or the life that I had with him, didn’t even exist. I wanted us to happen that night and I didn’t stop it, the next morning I tricked myself into thinking that I made it happen. I ran because I wasn’t supposed to have a say and I thought that I, for that brief moment when you asked me to come back to your room with you, had the control and it scared me. I was used to lying down and giving into everything that my family thought was the right thing to do, I’ve always done what I thought was expected of me. That night I did something that nobody would have ever expected, I choose to do it and I was afraid of having the power to chose. I was wrong; I realize now that everything happened like it should have that night. That it really was meant to happen, I didn’t accept that for the longest time.”

“Why didn’t you call me when you did?” Brian questioned. Camille cleared her throat before letting out a deep breath.

“Fifth mistake:” she whispered. “I allowed Eric the opportunity to get me pregnant and he did. I couldn’t just go back to you when I was carrying his child, could I?”

“You had a baby?” Brian asked. Camille nodded as she smiled for the first time since she’d greeted Brian.

“A month ago,” she replied. “He wasn’t due until this month but one night Eric threw me down the stairs and later that same night I had a son. Braden Tate Parker, I love him with my life, he’s my strength, who I live each day for.”

“You brought a baby into that house…” Brian began.

“I’ve been protecting him from Eric,” Camille cut in as she set her hands on Brian’s chest. “I’ve taken all the slaps that were meant for him, he’s been okay.”

“Okay?” Brian asked in disbelief. “Leave him before you can’t protect Braden anymore, run before it’s too late,” he demanded.

“Eric is all I have, he is Braden’s father,” Camille argued. “I can’t just run away with my son, he needs a Dad.”

“Let it be someone who doesn’t beat up on his Mother while he’s in the other room,” Brian insisted. “Let me take you away from here, I can take you someplace safe. Is Braden in the house now? Did you leave him with Eric?”

“No,” Camille responded. “Eric doesn’t know where he is.”

“Well where is he at, we can go get him now…” Brian began.

“Listen to me,” Camille demanded. “If I take Braden and run Eric will come looking for me, for us. I need to stay in Kentucky, I need to see if I can work it out with Eric…”

“He hits you Camille why stay if he hurts you like that?” Brian yelled.

“He is all I know Brian,” Camille cried out. “I don’t love him but if I leave with Braden not only will he come looking for us, I’ll be alone. I’d rather suffer at the hands of Eric, wake up every morning and know what will happen that night, then leave and not know at all. I won’t take my son and thrust him into the unfamiliar, a life of not knowing what will happen when he wakes up in the morning. I will not allow him to live in fear of being hurt. If I just tell Eric that I’m not bringing Braden home until he stops hurting me then everything will be okay, if only for a little while. Don’t you get it? As long as Braden is safe I don’t care what happens to me!”

“Okay, okay,” Brian whispered as he pulled Camille to him and allowed her to bury her face in his neck while he wrapped his arms around her. “I don’t want you to hurt anymore Camille, I love you and it makes me so angry that Eric is hurting you like this.”

“If I leave he’ll kill me,” Camille whispered. “I would rather have my son raised by people who I know will care for him in a home where he’ll be safe, where he’ll know that I’m okay, then have him live the remainder of his life wondering what I was like. That’s how he’ll live if I try to run.”

“Where’s he at?” Brian questioned. “If he’s at your Moms Eric will go looking there.”

“Trust me, Eric won’t know where to look,” Camille stated.

“Tell me,” Brian pleaded lightly. “Do I know the people you left him with?”

“Brian I didn’t know where to go and I had just run into…” Camille trailed off as she pulled away from Brian’s chest and looked up at him. “I knew he would be safe there with them because they care about me so much…and she seemed so happy when she saw him that first time…”

“Who?” Brian interrupted. “Who is he with?”

“Your parents,” Camille whispered. “I came by last night, I stayed in the guest house for the night and left this morning. I didn’t know what else to do Brian…” she choked out as Brian took a step back before turning and running back toward the house.