*_Finding Hope_*

Sometimes life can be so cruel to people, making you think that everything is going your way, and then suddenly smashing it all with a single move. I knew this could happen, because it happened to me the day Alex’s father walked out, but I never thought that life would repeat itself with my very own son.

When he came to me late that night, he could barely breathe. I didn’t know what was going on, but I knew it wasn’t going to be good. He barged through the front door, not even pausing to knock and came right to where I was standing in the living room.

“Alex, honey… Honey, what’s going on? Honey, you need to breathe, and tell me what is wrong. Please honey, take a deep breath and talk to me. Tell me what’s going on.” I try to get him to settle down, and sit on the couch next to me. But instead he falls on the floor in a heap, not crying, but I know that is what he needs to do. I sit down next to him and try again, to calm him down. “Alex, Alex look at me… Honey, what happened?”

“She…. She played me like a piano! That fucking bitch played me!” He looked up at me, and I could tell this night wasn’t going to end very nicely. His eyes were full of pain and his body tense as it could possibly be as he sat there on the hard wood floor of the large, brightly painted living room.

“Alex, tell me what happened… ok… let’s start from the beginning. Can you do that for me, honey?” I know that this going to be hard for him, but I need to know that exactly happened so I can find a way to help him. After a moment of silence, he told me the tale of what bought him here tonight.

“After Howie told me about what he saw, I couldn’t think straight…so I got in the truck and went to the club. When I got there, it felt like I was attracted to where they were standing, because I simply weaved my way through the crowd and pulled him off her. I didn’t know who he was or why he was groping my girlfriend, but it didn’t matter because I punched him and watched him fall to the ground.” His eyes glistened with tears that he would not allow to fall.

“Alex…honey..” I tried to speak, but he shook his head, and continued.

“When I looked at Sarah I couldn’t find any words to say to her, so I just stood there, waiting for her to say something. I don’t know what was going through her mind, but she just stood there in shock as her “friend” got back up from where he had fallen. He yelled at me, asking, “What the fuck was wrong with me?” and with that I suddenly found my voice, I yelled right back at him telling him that he was fucking with the wrong man’s girlfriend. I felt like I was out of control, because before I knew it, my hand met his face for a second time. That is when Sarah decided to collect herself and try to stop the madness that was unfolding in front of her very eyes. She yelled at me to stop but I couldn’t stop. Mom, I was totally out of control, and I lost everything in front of tons of people.” He looked like he was once again lost in that deep, never-ending black hole, as he looked at me I couldn’t find any words to say to try and ease his pain. So instead of talking, I just put my arms around him and pulled him close. He took in the comfort for a minute as he regained his composure, then he pulled away to carry on with his story.

“I began to walk out of that damn place, I ran into just Howie standing there… he was JUST standing there…He just ALLOWED me to lose it all! But I guess, what was HE going to do, he knew I was pissed and he knew better then to get in MY way. I worked my way towards the doors and let myself out in to the night air. I could feel that I was being followed but I didn’t care, I just wanted to get out of that damn place, to get away from that lying bitch, to find…find…. find sanctuary! But when I got outside I heard Sarah call my name, she was my shadow who followed closely behind. She tried to tell me that she was sorry and that he didn’t mean anything to her, but I knew better then to believe her so I told her that I didn’t ever want to even look at her again! She tried again to plead with me…but I just got in the truck and closed the doors to lock her out. I waited for Howie to come then I peeled out of there without looking back. I never gave her or him a chance to say anything, but I don’t care, I really don’t fucking care!” His words were as harsh as the story he just told, but I knew that he had every right to act that way. I didn’t really know what I should say or do to try and help him calm down, but I have to say something to break this silence.

“Alex, honey…I know you are upset, and I know that you deserve to be, but I think you need to calm down a little and take sometime to breathe and think about what happened. Sarah doesn’t deserve you, and how she acted tonight proves that you can do much better then her and she doesn’t justify a second thought. I love you very much and am happy that you came here to talk to me about this; I know you need some support during this time, and that is what I am here for. But what I need from you is for you to stand up and come sit on the couch where you can relax, and I will go make you some hot chocolate. Does that sound good to you?” I smile slightly at him as he nods his head. I help him stand up and walk to the couch, where he lays down and lets out a big breath. Then I slowly make my way out to the kitchen and start making him some hot chocolate, I add just a little extra chocolate and some whip cream to make it just the way he likes it then I stir it up and walk back in to the living room. I find him standing by the window; the _expression on his face is dark. “Alex, are you alright?” I hand him the cup of hot chocolate.

“What was I thinking, mother? How could I have let her in like that…you told me from the start to be careful, and that I was moving to fucking fast with her! I barely knew her, and I let her in, I let her have everything, from my house to my very own heart. And what do I get in return?” He turns away from the window to look back at me. Now I can see why he was hiding from me as the tears fall down his dark face. He never liked to cry in front of people, and would hide it from everyone, including me. He has always had the image of being the strong bond in our family, he would never let anything get to him, and when it did, he would bottle it up and let it out when he knew he was alone. I was never able to hold him when he cried for that very reason, but tonight was different. Tonight he was crying right in front of me and was in need of being held tight, which just comes to prove just how much he gave her.

“Alex, ooh honey. Come here.” I walk towards him to hug him, but he just pulls away and begins to walk to the entryway. I don’t want him to leave when he is so upset, but I don’t know how to stop him. “Alex, where are you going? Honey, don’t go please just stay here with me tonight; you can stay in your old bedroom. I don’t like the idea of you going home alone, when you’re so upset.”

“No…I just wanna go home. I just wanna be alone, so I can think.” He is halfway to the door, before I try and stop him again. But he just pulls away again and says, “ Mom, don’t, just let me be. I need to be alone. I will call later, ok?” After that said he opens the heavy wooden door and jogs out to his truck. I watch him pull out of the driveway and send a little prayer to God, asking for him to get home safely.

All night long I tossed and turned, I couldn’t stop myself from worrying about Alex. He never called me when he got home, and when I tried to call his house all I got was his answering machine. I know that he is a grown adult, but I will never stop worrying about him, not until I know that he is finally settled down and happy. I don’t think that that time will come quick enough for me to get an actual good nights rest anytime too soon.