*_Finding Hope_*

In times like these, it makes me wonder what I did wrong, how did my one and only child become this man that I don’t know. Was it my fault, did I do something wrong to deserve this? Just looking at him makes my heart break into pieces, and I feel as if I have lost something, a part of me, and I am not allowed to get it back. I have nothing more to say to him, because everything he says to me, only makes the pain worse. I wish that I could go back in time, to see where I went wrong, and fix it so that I would never have to go through this, nor would he have to hide his own pain inside.

I take him to his house where his driveway is empty. I turn the car off, and sit quietly, wondering what to do next. He is looking at me, as if waiting for me to do or say something, but I can’t even look at him.

“Mom… please say something to me. I am sorry, I really am. I don’t know what’s come over me these last few days, I know I have lied to you and I know that you are hurt. But I am lost in this silence that you are making.” His voice is trembling as he looks at me for hope. But I can’t speak; my voice is gone, so instead I just get out of the car and walk. I walk past his huge brick house with black trim, I past by his swing hanging from the big oak tree, I passed everything. I just need to get away from it all, just so I can think about everything that has been happening. I find a quiet place in the trees beside his house, so I sit down and put my head in my hands. Everything floods in at once, from years ago when his father walked out to just today when I saw him sitting on that bench outside of that scummy motel.

I don’t know how long I have been sitting here, crying all the pain away, but when I looked up from the long grass, I saw him sitting quietly on a log, watching me. When our eyes met, he stood up and slowly walked to where I was sitting in the grass and mud.

“I remember when I was younger, when I started to realize how much Dad hurt you when he left, all that pain you went through, I promised myself that I’d never make you cry like he did. Mom, I never meant to hurt you. I don’t know what to do to make it better, but I’m going to do my best to make you smile, like you use to. I know that I’ve done a lot of digging this last month, and I might as well be six feet under because I broke that promise to myself, along with so many others, but I’m willing to do anything to get out of this hole I’m in. Please don’t hate me for what I’ve done.” He sits down next to me, needing to be held. I slowly put my arm around him, and hold him tight. He begins to tremble as he lets out the tears; he starts to repeat over and over again, “I’m so sorry.”

“Alex, I don’t know what to do when you lock me out like you’ve done for the last month. I felt lost, and my heart hurt so much. When I tried to talk to you, you just pushed me further away, and it seemed as if that only made things worse.” I run my fingers through his dark hair, trying to ease his trembles and sobs. “Honey, I need for you to talk to me. Tell me what’s going on inside that head of yours, and when you feel lost and confused let me help you. You used to talk to me all the time. I mean, come on, you even told me about your first time you had sex. But lately, you haven’t been telling me anything.” He looks up at me, and then suddenly, as if he is ashamed, looks away towards the trees.

“I don’t understand what is going on. I feel like I’ve lost something, that way of life I used to enjoy so much, and I replaced it with this….this….this black hole that can never be filled no matter how hard I try.” His eyes are focused on the trees, tears running down his face. “I really think I need some time off, to be alone and find myself within me. And to stop this confusion in my soul.” As I sit there looking at him, I realize just how much more of a man he has become since we last had such a deep conversation.

“If time is what you need, then you got it. I can tell the boys that you just need to relax a little bit and you can go to your cabin on the lake. That is miles from any kind of big population and I am positive no one will bother you. How does that sound?” I try to get him to look at me, but his eyes are locked on the trees. “Alex? Honey, please look at me. I love you, and you know I’m always here for you when you need me.”

“I know that, Mom. And I love you because of that.” He sits quietly for a moment, in deep thought. “I think you are right, I think I’ll just go out to my cabin and try to relax so I can think clearly. I’ll call you everyday, just to keep in touch, so you know what is going on. Sound good to you?”

I am surprised that he would think to do that, sometimes he amazes me on how even times like this, he can still be so sweet to me. “Yes, that sounds perfect. Do you want me to come help you pack some things?” He turns to me, and gives me a great big hug, which makes me start to cry again, but this time because I am starting to feel as if I have a chance to get my son back. “I love you, Alexander.”

“I love you more, Mother.” He says back to me. He stands up and helps me to my feet, and then we walk back to his house together. I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders as I look up at him. We go into the house and begin to gather his things that he wants to take along. I can’t help but notice all the “Jack Daniel” bottles that he has collected over the last month, but I don’t want to get worried about something that he is trying to fix, so I push the thought out of my mind, and focus on what else he will need for his week stay at his cabin up north.

Later that day I called all the guys and asked them to come over so I could talk to them about Alex. Brian was the first to show up, I could tell that he was still disturbed by Alex’s actions this morning, but he didn’t let that stop him from giving me a warm smile and a bear hug.

“Hi mom!” He jokes with me, “Am I the first one here?”

“Yes, aren’t you usually the first one, always being on time?” I smile at him. He was always the one who kept the rest of the boys on track and on time. “Why don’t you go sit down in the living room, I’ll bring in the fresh batch of cookies, and you can be the one to test them out to make sure they are good!”

“Oh come on Denise, you know your cookies are the best! But I’m not saying that I’m not willing to ‘test’ them for you!” He winks at me, and then walks into the living room and picks an over stuffed chair to sit in.

“MOMMY! I’M HOME!!!!” Nick’s voice echoes throughout the house. “Where is everyone? Oh, I get it….you’re avoiding me….well I can take a hint. I’m leaving…wait…. what’s that I smell?”

“Double chocolate chip monster cookies.” I say to him as I walk back into the hallway to greet the youngest of the boys. “And if you stay, I’m sure you will be able to eat a hand full of them, but you have to give me a hug first!”

With that, he leans down and gives me a great big hug. Even though he is over six feet tall, he has no chance when I use cookies against him to make him stay and show me some love. He heads towards the living room to join Brian, and soon the both of them are laughing. Sometimes I wonder what is going on inside both of their heads, but if I ever had the chance to find out, I think I would be scared to know.

Kevin and Howie showed up at the same time and soon we were all sitting in the living room, eating double chocolate chip monster cookies with milk. As I looked around the room at the guys, my mind fell back to the times when they were fresh on stage and scared of losing everything they all worked so hard for. Now those worries have vanished, and they have become this well-polished group of men who knew the answers to all the questions the reporters threw at them.

“So where is AJ, Denise?” Howie’s voice broke my train of thought.

“Oh, Mm…. He is gone to his cabin up north. He wanted some time alone to relax and figure out what is going on in his life right now, and I thought that was a good idea. All of you guys have been working so hard lately that I think you have lost touch with reality, and I think that you all should take a week off, just to relax and have some fun.” I watched Kevin’s face fall into a shadow as I spoke, I knew that he thought they needed more time on stage before they take off to promote their third album, Black and Blue, but I think he also knew that I was right.

“Well….urmm…ok, I think that sounds ok. I think a week break will help us concentrate on the important things that we need to do before we start the tour.” Kevin’s voice was strong and proud when he spoke. Its no wonder why people love to hear him sing, his voice is so deep and smooth.

“Yeah, I agree.” Nick’s mouth is full of cookies when he speaks; Howie looks at him with disgust, while Brian laughs.

“So then a week break it is.” Howie says, trying to take focus off of Nick’s mouthful of cookies, “So does that mean you will make us meatloaf and potatoes for dinner tonight, Mother?”