*_Finding Hope_*

I can’t say that I have ever been happier then right now at this very moment; I had it all planed out in my head, how at the exact and perfect moment I would call her up on stage, in front of millions of people and tell her that she means the world to me. It was the only way I could express to her just how much she means to me and so I have spent days on making this moment perfect.

It’s been one year, six days and four hours since I even came close to touching a drink or drugs. A whole year has passed since I have been lost and out of my mind with confusion; too scared to talk to anyone about my problems. I have worked so hard to get to this point in my life, where I can look back and see how much I have accomplished and how much I have lived through. Standing on that stage listening to the fans scream, I realize that I have been here before; I have lived this moment of time over and over… I never understood what it meant until this very moment…true happiness; I know why I stand here tonight and I know whom I really am. I am not that famous Backstreet Boy that everyone knows as AJ McLean; my name is Alexander James McLean, a human being who has lived through manic depression and three overdoses on cocaine.

As I sing the final words to “I Want It That Way” I realize the final moment has come alive. All the guys are at their destinations on the stage. They all looked at me with a smile, for they all knew what was going to happen next. They slowly made their way around the stage, almost to say their final good-byes and yet they worked the crowd into a passionate rage. Brian threw basketballs out to screaming girls, while Nick dumped water on his head. Kevin waved and smiled while Howie picked up teddy bears that fans where throwing on the stage. Once they all silently agreed that the crowd’s passion was right they moved back to their final destinations on the huge stage.

“Yo AJ, you ready for this?” Howie calls from the other side of the stage. My gaze follows his voice and I look him in the eyes and smile. The lights flashed through the hot air, the fans were screaming their lungs out, my mind was crystal clear and I spoke the final words….

“Howie…I was born for this!” I gaze back out at the millions of fans screaming and I yell out: “Are you ready for this, Minneapolis??” The fans screams get louder when the guitar plays a few notes; they expect it to be loud and fast, but as the notes continue to flow they slow down and become the notes that I wrote and placed together. Suddenly the stadium was at my control as I watched the rest of the boys disappear into the darkness; all the eyes are now focused on me…and I begin to sing.

The people in the crowd followed the music and swayed back and forth; some lit lighters or made their cell phone glow in a way to show appreciation for the words that I sang. At that moment, I knew it was right…. so I slowed the music by a wave of a hand and then called her name, requesting her to come join me on stage. I watched as her face showed the shock and embarrassment, as she shook her head no. I continued to urge her on until the crowd joined in and cheered her on; slowly she made her way to the stage. I embraced her in a bear hug and whispered, “Thank-You” in her ear; she pulled away to smile at me, asking with her eyes why she was on the stage in front of millions of people.

“This woman right here is the reason I am alive, she is the reason why I am here today. Without her love and support, I don’t think I would have ever found my way out. She helped me find…. hope.” The fans cheers continue to get louder. “And who could ever forget all the LOVE that y’all gave me! All of you who sent cards, letters, gifts and just simply kept me in your prayers, I want to personally thank you.” I continue to feed the crowd some love until I feel her pinch me. “But…now…ahem. The reason I called this woman to the stage is for one reason only; I need to tell her something VERY important and all of you are here tonight to witness it first hand!” I turn to look at her big brown eyes that shine like the stars as I say the words that I have been waiting to say all night: “ I love you…. Mom.”