02/20/05
Dear Diary,
It's been a few weeks since Nick had turned 25. I hope he had a fun and unforgettable birthday. He was surrounded by family and friends and I'm sure he had a nice time. I had decided to do some last minute shopping for him. I had paid everything off for him as a birthday gift from me to him. Nick deserved to have the best birthday. I had let half of my staff off early to go to his party. Becky and her boyfriend, Brent. A friend of Nick's were going to go together and meet up with Brian and Leighanne ahead of time. When it was 8:00pm, I wished him a Happy Birthday and went back to work.
Alot of things were going to happen that night. We were going to go on a boat ride later that night with everyone and I was going to surprise him with a few things. I gave him two of my surprise. After closing last night I came straight home because I was tired and I was nauseaued. I didn't know why but I throw up right away when I got home. I had been working two jobs for the last few months to get a boat for Nick, but I think it was taking toll right about now. After coming home, I turned the TV, plotted on the couch and started to eat my dinner. I took one look at it and pushed it away. Everything I ate made me feel like crap. Before I knew it I fell asleep, but woke up around ten to head to the Pier.
I had to make sure everything for tonight's boat ride was all set and to leave my gift for him. I had pulled up to the Pier and noticed it was the same boat we took last year and that was when he told me he loved me. I had started to cry because off all the memories that flooded my head of us. I was talking to the captain and ask him to make sure Nick got the chance to drive the boat. While talking to them I heard like cars pull up and I knew it was them. I had noticed Nick walking towards the Pier. It was the first time in weeks that I've seen Nick. He was looking, healthy and enjoying his birthday. But I looked into his eyes and saw that he was tired and hurt. But looking into his big blue eyes I just melted because I wanted to run in his arms and just hug him. I just kept my composure and do what I had to do. I left before anyone can see me and left his gift behind. Before I left the Pier, I had to take one last look at him and I did.
On the way home, I had started to feel sick, so I went to the store. While I was paying I had realized that I haven't had my monthly visitor so I went to buy a kit. I got home and put my stuff up. Then I went to bathroom and read the instructions. I did what it asked me too and I waited for fifiteen minutes. I paced back and forth waiting for the result of this pregnancy test. I had looked at the clock and realized that it was only five minutes that has passed. I knew this fiveteen minutes was going to be forever. Then finally the timer went off and I looked at the test. It said if it had two lines it was postive and if it had one line it was negative. I didn't look at it right away, but took a deep breathe and it was two lines.
When I saw that it had two lines, I feel to the ground. I was pregnant and the last time Nick and I made love was the night before my birthday. So I looked at my calendar and realized that I was 3 to 3 1/2 months pregnant. I was going to be a mother and Nick was going to be a father. I looked down at my stomach and cried alot. I repeating over and over, that " I was going to be a mother." I had to tell Nick that we were going to be parents, I know he's going to be happy because I know how much he loves kids. I started to dial his number but hung up. He has alot going on with him right now and I can't add this to it. But I had to tell someone, no I can't because everyone I know are friends with him. I had to make a decision right here and then and that's not to tell anyone. When it comes time for me to deliever I will just leave town and come back. I had fallen asleep in my bed around two in the morning dreaming about being a mother. I hugged my pillow really hard crying but thinking about Nick at the same time. I want to tell him that we were going to be parents. I know if I told him and the media gets wind of it, it will be a meida frenzy, so I am keeping it to myself. Let me tell you where I am writing from. I am at the hospital because at work last night I collapse. Becky had found me in my office laying on the floor so she called 911. I woke up about two hours later and found Becky by my side. She had told me that I had collaspe from working too much. The doctors had confirmed with her that I was almost four months pregnant. She was happy for me and hugged me. Becky knew who the father was. When she left to head back to work I was alone in the room and started to look out the window. I was thinking of what Nick was doing right now. I know he had something to do with his boat team and then after that who knows. I had decided to call the girls to let them know where I was. When I called Carla, I heard alot of voices in the background and I heard someone laughing and I knew it was Nick. Carla heard me cry and walked out of the room.
I had told her that I was in the hospital because I collaspe at work last night. Becky found me and just left. She asked where I was and I told her I was at the Orlando Hospital. She said she would be right over with the other girls. She has asked me if Nick knew I was in the hospital and I said no. I had told her that I was almost four months pregnant and not tell Nick. She had asked me why and I said because he has too much going on right now. Carla tried to convince me to tell Nick but I said I couldn't. She said okay and hung up. I had fallen asleep for about an hour or two only to wake up to voices. I opened my eyes and found Leigh, Carla and Kristin sitting and talking. I smiled at them and they hugged me. I heard the door open and I saw Kevin and Brian with Howie. I sat up and they had realized that I was pregnant. I asked them where Nick was and they said he was with AJ out on the boat. Kevin said Nick overheard the girls talking about heading over here and wanted to go, but they told him not too. Kevin placed his hand on my stomach and smiled. Kevin had said that if Nick knew I was pregnant he would be right here. They had asked how was I going to keep this from him and I said I don't know. I told them yes I wanted to tell him that I was pregnant and yes i wanted to world to know but things aren't going to tell right now. Brian was the next one to place his hand on my stomach and we both started to laugh because of what he said. The baby had started to kick and he said the baby was like Nick. We had started to talk about what I needed to do when the baby was on its way. While we were talking the doctor had come in and brought in a sonogram of the baby. I held it up and started to cry. Everyone knew why and didn't know what to do. Kevin took the sonogram and started to talk to the other about the baby. I ended up looking out the window, started to rub my stomach and just burst into tears. Leigh noticed it and hugged me. She had told me everything was gong to be alright and everything will work it self out.
They stayed for a couple of hours and they left. After they left I had fallen asleep staring out the window crying. It was during the middle of the night I heard someone come in. I was so out of it, that i briefly opened my eyes and went back to sleep. I had thought it was the nurse checking up on me. I woke up the next morning and found flowers on the table next to me. I remembered that there were no flowers when I fell asleep. Next to the flowers I saw the sonogram in a frame. Then I realized who it was. The nurse came in and I asked her who was in here last night. The nurse said a young man came in and had spent the night and just left about 15 minutes ago. She said that he was really concerned that I wasn't doing well and that he was in here all night. That they had a conversation and that he mentioned he was a friend of mines, but she could tell it was more. The nurse showed him the sonogram of the baby and mentioned there was a smile that came on his face. She had said that the guy kept saying," I'm going to be a father." That in his eyes he was happy to be a father and that he was goign to enjoy it. She had said when he left, he wanted the best care for me and that money was on object. The nurse asked what his name was and he said," My name is Nick Carter and I am the father of that baby and I love that woman with all my heart." She said that he had tears in his eyes and kissed me before he left.
Now I have to make a decision. Nick knows that I am pregnant with his child and I'm sure he wouldn't let anything happen. But can I stand there and have him being criticized for everything he believes in? Can he handle this whole incident at Pop City and having a child? I have to make a decision. I don't know what I want to do right now. All I know is that with Nick knowing and everyone else, what am I going to do? He had his solo album coming up and all. I see that Leigh and Brian are working it out with them and their daughter, Riley. Kristin and Kevin have worked it out with her being almost due. I just don't know what to do anymore. I guess I need to think more. It's almost time for me to get released. I wonder who is coming to get me.