I was not at all prepared for
what
happened and as I write this am still in
a fog. It was difficult for me to go to
the funeral because, even though I had
spoken to her on the phone several times
I had not seen Aunt Jan in 3 or 4 years.
She had been in a Boarding Home and the
last time I saw her she was in the
hospital with a broken leg. Jan was
mentally challenged and also had a very
rare skin disorder which caused her to
have tumors all over her face and body.
Her physical appearance always caused
folks to stare. If it ever bothered her,
she didn't let us know. What did bother
her was if she had an epileptic
seizure...not that she was embarrassed
but felt bad that someone had to take
care of her.
As we arrived at the funeral home the
rest of the relatives were also
beginning to arrive. Aunts, Uncles,
cousins...folks I hadn't seen in ages.
Friends of hers I didn't know. I looked
at her, lying so peacefully in her
casket. Her hands folded neatly across
her waist. Her face was serene and I
thought there was a bit of a smirk... As
I think about it, the one thing missing
was a bottle of PEPSI. She should have
had "ONE TO GO!"
I shut myself "DOWN" as I didn't want to
deal with some unpleasant memories of my
own. I ignored those that were making me
uncomfortable, although they probably
didn't even realize I was ignoring them.
In itself, it was what I considered a
"NORMAL" opening to a funeral. The CARE
attendant spoke briefly and introduced
the minister of the Grace Lutheran
Church where Jan had been a member for
many years. She was a beautiful young
woman such grace and soft ( yet very
strong) voice; all my anxieties were put
aside very quickly. She and my Aunt
Marty recalled many memories and how Jan
just always, ALWAYS, loved and forgave
without ever questioning.
Many people, especially her brothers,
were cruel and hurtful to her when they
were all growing up. I remember their
taunts, probably more clearly than she
did; but maybe she shut them out in her
own way. She never asked for anything in
return for her unquestioning
love...except in a laughter of her own
she would ask for a PEPSI~COLA and a bag
of popcorn.
As they continued with their messages, I
heard someone begin to weep deeply; yet
I did not turn to see the source but,
instead, held tightly onto my own
Mothers hands.
It came time for the readings of the
scriptures. The kind Reverend invited us
all to join her in saying the 23rd
Psalm. I closed my eyes to speak the
words and before I could even utter one
sound the most brilliant light appeared
before me. Aunt Janice was more
beautiful than any sight I had ever
encountered...and between the words of
the gospel she
engulfed me with her LIGHT and her LOVE
and then relayed this message to me. It
was not in the form of any language that
we as mortals speak; but it was loud and
clear. She relayed to me," I HAVE
FORGIVEN THEM FOR WHAT THEY DID TO ME,
NOW IT IS YOUR TURN. THEIR PAIN HAS BEEN
WITH THEM LONG ENOUGH." She was gone as
quickly as she had appeared. I thought I
would faint as my own breath stopped for
a brief few moments.
As the passages were continue, the
sobbing from behind me intensified. I
sat there, dazed and vaguely aware of
anything but my Grandmother's own
wailing...a sound so pitiful...I did not
dare look at her. Somehow, I managed to
glance at my own daughter...to make sure
she was all right. She sat quietly in
the seats behind my Mother and I.
As the ceremony ended, I turned to find
my Uncle just curled into a fetal
position in the chair; his girlfriend
stoic and unresponding ( probably at a
loss on how to comfort him). The next
thing I knew was that I was holding him;
he was holding me. I had barely spoken a
dozen words to him in recent years.
Still, I had nothing to say but "It is
over. It's alright now and we can all
move on." I had never confronted him of
those unspeakable things, but in those
brief moments, he knew that I knew and
remembered. BUT! he knew then, it was
over. All of us were on a journey to
heal and move forward.
When the opportunity was made available
I embraced my other uncle. The same
release happened; like when I handed a
stranger my ANGEL pin in the
fall..
