Was heard on a public transportation vehicle while in Orlando.
"When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head
and watch your step.
If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your
language. Thank you."
A sale representative stops at a small manufacturing plant in
the Midwest. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a
gift. "No, thanks," says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a
cigar once and I didn't like it."
The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to
clinch a sale, offers to take the manger out for martinis. "No,
thanks," the plant manager replies. "I tried alcohol once, but
didn't like it."
Then the salesman glances out the officer window and sees a
golf course. "I suppose you play golf," says the salesman. "I'd
like to invite you to be a guest at my club."
"No, thanks," the manager says. "I played golf once, but I didn't
like it." Just then a young man enters the office. "Let me
introduce my son, Bill," says the plant manager.
"Let me guess," the salesman replies. "An only child?"
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so
striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly
toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything,
that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.' Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The
young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.' The man considered her proposition for a
moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He
looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, 'Paint my house.'
WARNING!
This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need.
A special circuit in the machine called a 'critical detector'
senses the operator's emotional state in terms of how
desperate he or she is to use the machine. The 'critical
detector' then creates a malfunction proportional to the
desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with
violence only aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts to
use another machine may cause it to also malfunction. They
belong to the same union. Keep cool and say nice things to
the machine. Nothing else seems to work.
=--=
+ Cats do what they want.
+ They rarely listen to you.
+ They're totally unpredictable.
+ They whine when they are not happy.
+ When you want to play, they want to be alone.
+ When you want to be alone, they want to play.
+ They expect you to cater to their every whim.
+ They're moody.
+ They leave hair everywhere.
+ They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They're tiny little women in cheap fur coats
