Whilst enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke
decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone
by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink
and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place.
The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her
flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it.
Finally, the spent young bloke rolls over, pulls out a
cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to
find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.
Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of
matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another
man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. "Is this your
husband?" he inquires nervously.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?"
"No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke.
Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her
face and replies, "That's me before the operation."
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was
trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group
picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all
grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's
Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice, Johnny's, at the back of the room rang out,
"And there's the teacher . . . she's dead."
A programmer is someone who solves
a problem you didn't know you had in
a way you don't understand.
An auditor is someone who arrives after
the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
A banker is a fellow who lends you
his umbrella when the sun is shining
and wants it back the minute it begins
to rain.
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why
the things he predicted yesterday did not happen today.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers
but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane,
because that decreases the chances that there will
be another bomb on the plane.
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word
document and calls it a "brief."
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch
off your wrist and tells you the time.
A few years ago there was a lady involved in a horribe car wreck. The vehicle had
flipped upside down. The rescue workers had to work awhile to
get to her and asked, thru the broken window, if she was ok.
She didn't have a scratch and was still strapped in upside down
in her seat belt. The rescue worker told her to help them get
her out of the car. She unhooked the seatbelt, fell on her head
and broke her collarbone.
If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't
forget.. he didn't lose your number.. he didn't die. He just
didn't want to call you.
Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis I asked him,
"Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Maybe.. next year."
Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a
problem "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might
sound like a challenge If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest
saying, "I love you.. I want to marry you.. I want to have your
children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with
super- heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up
identifying with Barbie.
