101 Ways to Tell If You're a Hick


1. Your family is big enough to be a baseball team.
2. The total number of teeth you have is twelve or less.
3. Your kids' names are Billy Bob, Peggy Sue, Jimmy James, Jesseeeee,
Johnny Jim, Billy Rae, etc.
4. Your front yard looks like Toys 'R' Us after a tornado.
5. Your wife is your sister.
6. The family pet is a cow.
7. To you, a night out on the town is a trip to the local supermart.
8. In place of a stereo, you have a gee-tar to play some tunes on.
9. Your wife is twenty years younger than you.
10. Your kids call you "Paw."
11. Your refrigerator is a cardboard box with ice cubes in it.
12. You use a shotgun as a can opener.
13. You hunt for your dinner.
14. When you get in a fight with the neighbors, you pack everything up
and drive your house away.
15. You can name the exact time, place, and reason for all your scars.
16. Your favorite family sport is wrestling bears.
17. You brew your own beer.
18. Your toilet is a hole in the ground in the backyard.
19. Your telephone is two tin cans connected by a string; one in your house, the other at the neighbor's.
20. You are missing at least two fingers..... on each hand.
21. It takes you two minutes to get through a sentence because you stutter so much.
22. You don't know what bathing is.
23. You go fishing with your hands.
24. In your town the police man, fire man, dentist, doctor, and bar tender are all the same person.
25. You think people who don't inbreed are very strange.
26. You know you uncle's friend's barber's wife's best friend.
27. You can count to ten if you use your fingers; twenty if you don't have shoes on; and twenty-one if you don't have clothes on.
28. You built you own car out of unidentifiable things you found at the garbage dump.
29. You use your gun to solve all your problems.
30. All of your kids were "accidents."
31. You think Alabama, Kansas, Virginia, Tennessee, etc. is the country you live in.
32. Your calendar is tally marks scratched into a wooden post.
33. Every time someone mentions an animal in any way, you jump up, grab your shotgun, and shout, "Where?! I'll shoot it!"
34. You dishwasher/washing machine/bathtub is a water hole in your backyard.
35. You punish your kids by giving them a whippin'.
36. You reward your kids by giving them an extra pork rind.
37. TV shows such as The Beverly Hillbillies are based on people like you.
38. You think roadkill is a tasty treat.
39. You've seen a UFO.
40. You've been abducted by aliens at least twice.
41. You have so many bruises from when your wife hit you on the head with a frying pan, that you can't even count them.
42. You have a knife collection.
43. All twelve of your kids sleep in the same bed.
44. You've popped your inflatable mattress more than once.
45. The one other thing that sleeps with you besides your wife is your shotgun.
46. Your family vacation is a trip to the next town.
47. You call all your relatives "cuz" because you have so many, you just don't know who anyone is anymore.
48. Your full name is Billy Bob Jo George Jovavich.
49. You have appeared on every news documentary about tornadoes describing what it sounded like.
50. You think the four food groups are rodents, roadkill, biscuits, and gravy.
51. Your stove is a ring of stones on the ground with some firewood in the middle.
52. You can't read.
53. The only two things you can't live without are your shotgun and your chewing tobacco.
54. Your picture is on chewing tobacco packages.
55. You have a dog named Old Blue.
56. You have a horse named Silver.
57. And a cow named Suey.
58. Whenever an airplane flies overhead (which is very rarely), you take cover and scream, "We're under attack!"
59. You own a banjo.
60. You think Chicago and New York City are far-off, imaginary places.
61. You mow your lawn with a pair of rusty clippers.
62. You taught your dog to pee on command.
63. The only songs you know are about cattle and rodeos.
64. You've never seen a dollar bill.
65. You own a Confederate flag.
66. You think the Civil War is still going on.
67. Your IQ is the same as the number of teeth you have.
68. You're in a cellar at least once a week taking shelter from tornadoes.
69. You practice counting by counting your bug bites.
70. You consider fried squirrel a delicassy.
71. If you were advanced enough to own a radio, you would listen to country music.
72. You are Brian Kemp.
73. You are Matt Kocan.
74. You sell your own brand of chili.
75. When you hold family wrestling matches, you don't say it's over until everyone has a bloody nose, a broken arm, and another missing finger.
76. The animals in your area are almost extinct because you have so many late night cravings.
77. You named all your chickens.
78. "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. God made meat. Let's eat!" is how your family says grace before dinner.
79. You made up the word, "Howdy."
80. You made all the furniture you own with trees and an axe.
81. Instead of financial and family worries, your only worry is if the coyotes ate your chickens.
82. The electric company has tried more than once to install electricity for you.
83. When someone mentioned running water to you, you said, "Where'd it go? I'll catch it!" in your excited Hick accent.
84. You have eaten every kind of animal.
85. Your entire wardrobe consists of two flannel shirts with holes, one pair of overalls, and one boot.
86. You always have flies buzzing around your head.
87. The door on your trailor is an old sheet nailed up.
88. You shoot every stranger that comes to your door.
89. Instead of having a family picnic or barbecue, you have a family hunt.
90. You think the Super Bowl is when everyone eats a giant bowl of grits.
91. You like to watch your kids get drunk.
92. Everyone that lives in your town is related to you.
93. The name of your town has the word "hills" in it.
94. It's a big event when you get mail.
95. The first thing you ever gave to your kids was a BB gun.
96. When you want to go camping, all you have to do is step into your backyard.
97. You have a fingernail collection.
98. You learned yourself to drive when you were five years old.
99. You call little kids, little shavers.
100. Your nearest neighbors live more than a mile away.
101. You took this list seriously.



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*You are listening to Dueling Banjos*