63 INT. DENTIST'S RECEPTION ROOM - DAY
The waiting room is filled with patients. Elaine is watching a portable TV on which we see Stanley pulling a straw wrapper out of his nose.
ANGLE ON TV
ANGLE ON ELAINE
Teri enters and picks up a few patient files.
Hey, have you seen this guy? He's great!
Teri shoots a cold stare at Elaine. Elaine gets the message and clicks off the TV.
Whoops... I take it you're still not talking to George.
You got that right.
Oh, come on, Teri. Aren't you being a little hard on the guy? Imagine how he must feel.
How he must feel? What about how I feel? Elaine, I can only take so much. I'm sorry.
Teri exits and Elaine returns to her paperwork. Suddenly we hear a loud o.s. BANGING. Elaine looks up and all the patients turn toward the noise.
LOW ANGLE ON FRONT ENTRANCE
George is banging on the large glass partition, a la "The Graduate."
(under her breath)
I hate when he does that.
George enters the dentist's office carrying an enormous stuffed penguin. He approaches Elaine and sets it on the reception desk.
I gotta talk to Teri.
Hi, George. Uh... Teri's not here right now.
Oh. When is she gonna be back?
I don't know. Can I give her a message for you?
Well, yeah, okay. Tell her I love her, and I miss her, and I'm sorry about everything and I feel really terrible. I feel... you know how it feels when you bite down really hard on a piece of tinfoil? That's the way I've been feeling ever since she left me. No, wait, it's more like - you know how it feels when your head is being ripped apart by a herd of wild pigs? It's more like that... Are you gonna write this down? No, wait a minute, you know how...
ANGLE ON TERI
Teri is listening from an adjacent hallway. She shakes her head and walks away.
64 INT. U62 MAIN ROOM - DAY
George is at a network-type programming board, shuffling show titles. Bob is opening some mail at his desk.
Okay, how's this for our new Friday line-up... Eight o'clock, "Druids On Parade," then "The Volcano Worshippers' Hour" followed by "Underwater Bingo For Teens" and... "Fun With Dirt."
Bob has been glancing through the contents of an official-looking envelope. He suddenly freezes.
Oh, and get this... I got a call this morning from a guy who says he can swallow his own face! Can you believe that? I - Bob? Hello? Whatcha got there?
Don't tell me we actually showed up on the list...
We're number one.
Bob walks over to George and hands him the ratings sheet.
(gradually getting excited)
We beat out the networks. This is unbelievable. Look at these numbers. We've got three shows in the top five. "Stanley Spadowski's Clubhouse" went through the roof! Look at this... he got a sixty share! Do you know what this means? Now we're going to make some real money! George... we're the number one station in town!
George and Bob stare at each other for a second and then both scream in delight.
65 INT. FLETCHER'S OFFICE - CHANNEL 6 - DAY
Fletcher is sitting behind his desk, drinking coffee and opening the same official-looking envelope. As he studies its contents, his smug smile slowly turns into a look of horror. He loosens his grip on the coffee, causing it to spill.
FULL SCREEN - U62 PROMO
The following is a high-tech, fast-paced promo pack with a smooth-voiced network-type announcer.
A slick, computer There's lots of fun
graphic U62 coming your way this
logo flips into weekend on U62.
Two punks wearing First, slam your way
leotards, spike to health as you "Stay
bracelets and Fit!" with Spike and Tina.
are on a simple
They slam into
each other on
A bikini-clad Next, it's time for another
girl and Henry exciting round of "Celebrity
Kissinger (or Mud Wrestling," with this
maybe a look week's special guest, Henry
-a-like) tangle Kissinger.
in the mud.
Typical sitcom Then, hold on to your funny
look as one bone and get ready for a laugh
swishy guy chases a minute with "Those Darn
another with a Homos."
fly swatter. They
make eyes at
"Sunday!" graphic Then, Sunday...
flies into frame.
A middle-aged man Be part of the
in his underwear excitement as we premiere
is playing our dazzling new game show,
solitaire at a "Strip Solitaire!"
small table. We
see Noodles, wearing
a glitzy tux,
standing in front
of a wildly
A woman walks And join us for
out of a some hilarious fun on
supermarket the all-new "Practical
carrying two Jokes and Bloopers
bags. Bert jumps
out and knocks
the groceries out
of her hands.
A cook is And then, everybody's
flipping burgers favorite, Chef Bernie,
at the Bowl-A- invites you to go
Rama grill. Cut "Bowling For Burgers!"
to a bowler
making a strike.
Flashy U62 It's a whole new weekend
logo. on U62...the reason television
Stanley appears Be there!
in a graphic box.
66 EXT. RAUL'S APARTMENT BUILDING
A delivery truck is parked outside Raul's apartment building. As one delivery man unloads various caged animals from the back of the truck, another man with a clipboard approaches Raul.
MAN WITH CLIPBOARD
MAN WITH CLIPBOARD
Got the delivery here for your next show.
Oh, great, whatcha got?
MAN WITH CLIPBOARD
Let's see... we got an anteater, a flamingo, two armadillos, four porcupines, three badgers...
Badgers?! Badgers?!! We don't need no stinking badgers!!!67 INT. CHANNEL 6 - FLETCHER'S OFFICE - DAY
Fletcher is in the midst of a tirade, chewing out Richard and his cronies.
This is a sad day indeed for Channel 6. We've been the number one station in this town for the last ten years. But now our sponsors are pulling their accounts... we're losing valuable advertising revenue... we're losing credibility in the market... and why? Because of some fly-by-night UHF station. A UHF station! This is an embarrassment. A disgrace! What do you think R.J. Fletcher Sr. would say if here were alive today?
He points to an oil portrait of a crust old man on the office wall. Cronie #2 leans over and whispers to to Cronie #1.
Probably something like "Help! Let me outta this box! I can't breathe in here! Help! Lemme out..."
Fletcher shoots a look at Cronie #2, who quickly clams up.
We've got to do something about this, and do it fast. Who owns that station anyway?
68 EXT. HARVEY'S RENTED L.A. HOUSE - DAY
Harvey Bilchik is floating in an innertube in his backyard swimming pool. He is wearing colorful bermuda shorts, sunglasses and a pith helmet. He has a cordless phone pressed to his ear, and another one is floating in the pool beside him.
Yeah, sure... Listen, you just advance me twelve million, and I'll give you a movie that'll make "Lawrence of Arabia" look like dog doo... Yeah. Here's the concept... there's this giant shark, and it's eating naked girls on the beach... what? No... no, it's completely different. Yeah, the names are all different, it's a different beach... Yeah. Hey, listen, my other line's ringing, I gotta go. Yeah.
Harvey puts the phone in the pool and reaches for the other one.
Hello, Bilchik Productions... Hey, Big Louie! What's goin' on? How's business?... Yeah, so how'd I make out yesterday?
69 INT. BIG LOUIE'S DEN - DAY - INTERCUT WITH HARVEY
Big Louie is sitting behind his desk on which rests a speakerbox. Two thugs reverently stand in front of him. We never see Louie's face.
Bad news, Harvey. None of your horses came in.
Oh, well, sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. So, what's the damage?
Seventy-five thousand dollars.
Uh... excuse me, Louie, I think I got some water in the phone here. How much was that again?
Seventy-five thousand dollars.
Louie begins unscrewing what we thought was his right hand.
So, when can I expect payment?
Well, I, uh... I gotta put in a call to my accountant. You know, he's a hard guy to get a hold of. I don't know... how about two weeks?
How about... two days?
Two days? Uh... sure, I can handle that, no problem.
Louie finishes screwing a meat cleaver onto his right arm.
That's good, 'cause you know... it would be a real shame to kill a good relationship.
Louie forcefully brings down the cleaver on a salami.
Well, you got no problem there. Don't you worry about a thing, I'll have the money for you in two days.
Harvey's other phone starts ringing.
Yeah, sure, in cash. Uh, I gotta go, Louie. I'll talk to you later.
Harvey picks up the other phone.
Hello?... Morris! Boy, am I glad to hear from you! I was just gonna call ya!
70 INT. MORRIS BECKMAN'S OFFICE - DAY - INTERCUT WITH HARVEY
Harvey, I've got great newsa. You know that tax problem you've been having for the last several years?
Well, I finally took care of it. The IRS is off your back for good.
What? How'd you do that?
I paid 'em what you owed 'em.
Harvey falls out of his innertube. He continues the conversation standing in the pool.
Are you crazy?? That's almost everything I have!
Yes, I know. I had to clean out your whole savings account.
Morris, I'm gonna kill you. No, first I'm gonna reach down your throat and rip out your intestines with my bare hands... and then I'm gonna kill you.
Harvey, please, calm down. Look, you've got a big check coming from the lottery in three weeks...
Listen, you armpit! I ain't got three weeks! Look, I gotta make a phone call. It's been a real treat talkin' to ya.
Harvey throws the phone down into the pool.
71 INT. BIG LOUIE'S DEN - INTERCUT WITH HARVEY
Louie is screwing a blender full of margaritas onto his right arm.
Hello? No, I'm afraid Big Louie is indisposed at the moment. May I help you?
Louie starts up the blender. Harvey, who is now wrapped in a bathrobe and sitting on a chaise lounge, is shouting over the noise.
Yeah, hi, it's Harvey Bilchik. Listen, it's about the money. I seem to have run into a little unexpected situation here. I'm gonna need a little more time.
Louie turns the blender off and starts pouring drinks.
I would describe our position on this matter as inflexible. Friday night. Ten o'clock.
Louie's thug hangs up.
I'm dead meat.
Harvey slumps over and buries his head in his hands. After a beat, a phone on the table next to him rings. Howard stares at it for a second, then hesitantly picks it up.
(continuing, into phone)
Yeah, what?!... Yeah, this is Harvey Bilchik, whaddaya want?
72 INT. FLETCHER'S OFFICE - INTERCUT WITH HARVEY
This is R.J. Fletcher at Channel 6. Mr. Bilchik, I hate to disturb you, but some serious matters have recently come to my attention regarding Channel 62, which I know would deeply concern you as the station's primary owner and principal stockholder.
What are you talkin' about?
Well, to be perfectly blunt, your Mr. Newman has been handling the station in a highly unprofessional manner. He's been hiring people with absolutely no broadcasting experience, and his taste in programming is questionable, to say the least. Mr. Bilchik, I'm afraid you've got a real problem on your hands here, and before things get any worse...
(taking a shot)
You wanna buy it?
The station. You wanna buy it? Special discount price - today only. Seventy-five grand.
Fletcher considers this unexpected offer, and then slowly breaks into a wide grin.
Yes... Yes, I can think of a few things I'd like to do with that station. Mr. Bilchik, you've got a deal.
73 INT. TERI'S APARTMENT - DAY
The phone rings and Teri's answering machine starts up.
Hi, this is Teri. I'm not home right now, so leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.
The phone beeps and we hear George sounding like a wounded animal.
Ter-eeee! I'm sorry! Please forgive me! I've been such a jerk! Come on, give me one more chance! Please, Teri! Puh-leese! Please! Pleeeeeeease!
We pull back and see Teri listening to all this. She rolls her eyes and walks away.
74 INT. PHILO'S WORKSHOP - DAY
Philo is the projectionist in a makeshift screening room he has arranged in his workshop. George hangs up the phone and turns back to the screen as Bob enters.
Hey, George. Whatcha doin'?