Hey... come on, forget about it. Look, how long have you known Teri... three, four years?
(continuing after a beat)
Yeah, I guess you're pretty screwed.
The bartender places a glass of beer in front of Bob and a large, ridiculous-looking blueberry daquiri with an umbrella in front of George.
Hey, I didn't get an umbrella.
Bob puts his fingers in George's mouth, forcing a goofy-looking smile. One of the bar patrons motions wildly to a TV set at the end of the bar.
Hey, he's comin' back on!
Everyone in the bar enthusiastically crowds around the TV. Stanley appears on the screen.
Whoa!! Welcome back to "Stanley Spadowski's Clubhouse"! Are you kids having a good time?
All right! Hey, what a great cartoon! You know, that cartoon reminds me of a dream I had last Saturday. I dreamed I was a... a Greek god... and I was sinking in quicksand... and Elizabeth Taylor was there... and I said, "Hey, Liz! You wanna play checkers?!" And then... I woke up. And I felt like there was a freight train running through the middle of my head! You know, I think it was Albert Schweitzer who once said... "These mosquitos are driving me crazy!" But I - oh wait! I wanna show you something. Hold on!
He runs out of frame and the screen remains empty for a few seconds. Everyone in the bar looks thoroughly engrossed. Stanley runs back into frame with his mop.
This is my new mop. See? My friend George gave it to me. It's a good mop. Of course, it's not as good as my old mop, but... sometimes you just gotta take what life gives you. Cause, you know, life is like a mop. Yeah. See... when your life is full of dirt and crud and bugs and hairballs, you just gotta rinse it off and ring it out and start all over again.
(building to a feverish pitch)
And sometimes, life sticks to the floor so bad, a mop just isn't enough... you gotta get on your hands and knees and use a toothbrush! And if that doesn't work, you gotta get up - you gotta get right up and go over to the window and shout - "This floor is dirty as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore!!"
The crowd cheers. George and Bob look at each other in astonishment and quickly exit.
51 INT. U62 - DAY
Pam is at her desk, answering phone calls in rapid-fire succession.
Yes...? That's right, Stanley Spadowski. Thank you, I'll be sure to tell him.
Hello, U62... No ma'am, I don't know if he's married...
George and Bob rush in the front door. Pam hands them each a stack of messages as they continue into the main room.
52 INT. MAIN ROOM
Bob heads towards his desk as George approaches Stanley, who is emerging from the studio. The kids from the Kiddie Korner are giving him high-fives.
Hi, George. I'm done with the show, whaddaya want me to do now?
Did you have a good time in there, Stanley?
Yeah! Boy, it was fun!
Great. How'd you like to do it every day?
Yeah! That would be...
Wait a minute... do I still get to be the janitor?
Okay... it's a deal.
(shaking George's hand)
I'm gonna go clean the bathroom now.
ANGLE ON PAM
U62, please hold... U62, please hold... U62, please hold...
53 INT. U62 STUDIO
The Kiddie Korner is now overflowing with kids and people of all ages. A few are holding signs and banners ("We Love Stanley!", "Stanley Is #1!", "Spadowski Rules!").
Okay, kids, where do you wanna go?
To Stanley Spadowski's Clubhouse!!
They break into spontaneous cheering and applause, and then start to chant.
...Stan-ley! Stan-ley! Stan-ley!...
54 INT. MAIN ROOM
Bob is at his desk, on the phone. George enters as Bob hangs up.
"Stanley Spadowski's Clubhouse" is sold out for the next three months. The sponsors love him! If we had a few more shows like this, we'd really be in business.
Yeah, I've been thinking about that. Here, I've been working on some new ideas. Tell me what you think.
George hands Bob a few index cards. Bob stares at the first card, and then back at George, slightly puzzled.
55 INT. U62 STUDIO - "WHEEL OF FISH" SET
We see a PAN of three game show contestants behind individual podiums.
Today, one of these lucky contestants will win his or her weight in fish... right here on "Wheel Of Fish!"
The studio audience cheers. A blonde, statuesque game show presenter stands next to a large contest wheel on which various types of fish have been nailed. Kuni runs through the studio audience, wearing his white karate outfit. He jumps onto the set.
Okay, let's play the game! We start with yesterday's winner... Mrs. Phyllis Weaver. Are you ready, Weaver?
I sure am, Kuni!
Okay, then you get over here and spin the Wheel of Fish! Go ahead, give it a big spin...
The audience cheers as Phyllis runs onto the stage and gives the wheel a big spin. Kuni and Phyllis ad lib various encouragements to the wheel ("come on, baby!", "do it for mama!", "fishy fishy fishy..."). The wheel comes to a stop pointing to a swordfish.
A swordfish! Mm, very tasty! Okay, Weaver, now listen carefully...
You can hold on to your swordfish, or you can go for what's in the box that Hiro-san is bringing down the aisle right now! What's it gonna be?
Our blonde presenter has taken the swordfish off the wheel and is holding it out in front of Phyllis. Kuni's assistant comes down the aisle holding a large box on a tray. The studio audience calls out to Phyllis ("Keep the fish!"... "Take the box!"). Phyllis looks back and forth between the fish and the box.
I... I'll take the box!
Okay, Weaver, you took the box! Let's see what's in it...
Hiro-san lifts up the box and there's absolutely nothing underneath it. KUNI (continuing, smiling broadly) Nothing! There's nothing in the box! Stupid...! You're so stupid...!!
The audience joins in with shouts of "Stupid!"
56 INT. PHILO'S WORKSHOP
Philo is standing behind a workbench, facing camera. In the b.g. we see assorted, far-out looking electronic equipment buzzing away.
Hello, my name is Philo, and welcome to...
We hear an o.s. GONG, and Philo holds up a piece of torn notebook paper, which says:
(continuing, heavy echo)
"Secrets Of The Universe."
Today, we're going to learn how to make plutonium from common household items. Are you ready? Good, let's begin. First, you'll need an egg-beater, a car battery and a bowl of strawberry jello...
He places each of the items on the workbench in front of him.
57 INT. RAUL'S APARTMENT - DAY
We see Raul standing in the middle of his funky apartment, surrounded by cages containing various household pets.
Hey, man, this is Raul Hernandez, and welcome to "Raul's Wild Kingdom," coming to you live from my apartment! How about that, huh? Okay, first thing we're gonna do today is check out the wonderful world of turtles. This is my friend Tommy. Say hello to the nice people, Tommy...
(holds up turtle)
Aaaay, isn't he great? Okay, so... the turtle is a member of the reptile family, right? And it's got this hard, protective shell...
(he raps on it)
... which keeps predators away, and provides him with his own house for when he sleeps. And he's got these teeny tiny little legs, so he moves real slow. And not many people know this, but the turtle is also nature's suction cup! Watch this...
Raul turns the turtle over and throws it as hard as he can towards the ceiling. We hear an o.s. SUCTION sound.
See that? It sticks! Okay, lets's see, what else we got here? Oh yeah, check this out.
He walks over to his ant farm, which is on top of his dresser.
This is my ant farm. You know, ants are really amazing. They can carry fifty times their own weight, and they work for weeks and weeks making these intricate tunnels, and... oh yeah, they really hate it when you do this...
Raul grabs the ant farm and shakes it vigorously.
Oh, look, they're really mad now!
58 INT. U62 - DAY
Bob is watching Raul on a monitor as George enters.
Hey, Bob, is Raul still on?
Yeah, and you wouldn't believe-- oh no... oh no, not the poodles...
59 INT. RAUL'S APARTMENT
Several yapping poodles now surround Raul. He picks one up and starts swinging it back and forth by an open window.
Okay, Foofie, are you psyched? Are you ready? Okay, here we go... get ready... and... FLY!!
He hurls Foofie out the open window, then looks outside.
Oh, man... You know, sometimes it takes 'em a long time to learn how to do it right.
Okay... shut up... shut up... hey! All right, who's next?
The poodles jump up and down, yapping cheerfully. One jumps up into his arms. In the b.g. we see Tommy the Turtle fall through frame.
Okay, Gigi, let's go. Now, remember what I told you... flap your legs back and forth really, really hard... you're gonna have a great time... ready, and... FLY!!
RAUL hurls Gigi out the window.
60 EXT. RAUL'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY
Gigi flies out a third story window and drops with a THUD on a huge mound of poodles on the ground below.
61 INT. CHANNEL 6 - FLETCHER'S OFFICE - DAY
Fletcher is sitting behind his desk, opening a small, gift-wrapped package, as Richard looks on.
Oh, Richard... you shouldn't have...
Happy Father's Day, dad.
Fletcher opens the box and pulls out a wristwatch.
What is this piece of crap? I thought I told you I wanted a Rolex! You cheap -
He is interrupted by a KNOCK at the door.
Cronie #2, a moustached man wearing a three-piece business suit and a Rhinestone cowboy hat, enters the office.
What do you want?
Just thought I ought to tell you, there's a lot of talk on the street about this Channel 62. They're starting to get a pretty strong following...
Excuse me, did I hear you say "Channel 62."
UHF station, right?
Do I need to remind you... that we are a network affiliate?!
We're in competition with other networks, not with a bunch of punks broadcasting out of a closet!
But, sir, I -
Do you enjoy wasting my time? Get out of my office... and take that ridiculous thing off!
The crony dejectedly rips off his moustache and sulks out of the room.
62 EXTREME CLOSE UP - PANEL FROM SUNDAY COMICS
...and then Sluggo says, "Gee, Nancy, I thought it was free!"
U62 STUDIO - DAY
Stanley Spadowski's Clubhouse is in full swing. The Kiddie Korner is once again jammed to capacity with people of all ages. They laugh and cheer in reaction to Stanley's reading.
Thank you. Tomorrow, I'll be reading from Franz Kafka's "Metamorphosis." Hey kids, watch this!
He runs over to a table which has a meat grinder on it, jams his hand into the grinder, and starts cranking the handle. He screams at the top of his lungs as we see strings of ground meat ooze out. Suddenly he stops and raises his fully intact hand to the audience.
Fooled ya! Okay, let's see how our three contestants are doing.
Stanley runs over to one side of the set, where we see a middle-aged woman, and old man and a small boy furiously searching through a sandbox filled with oatmeal. Suddenly the boy raises his hand triumphantly and a loud SIREN goes off.
We have a winner! Joel Miller, you found the marble in the kidney beans!
Well, Joel, you're one lucky little boy, because today, you get to drink from the firehose! Come on!
Joel follows Stanley over to a firehose which is propped up. Joel puts his face directly in front of it and opens his mouth wide.
Okay... get ready... this is really gonna be fun... any second now... here it comes...
Suddenly a huge blast of water comes from the hose, sending Joel flying out of frame.
Joel Miller, let's hear it for him! Okay, right now I'd like to do the famous "Uri Geller Spoon Bending Trick." By using my psychic powers, I will bend this spoon just by concentrating on it. I need absolute silence for this.
Stanley places the spoon against his forehead. He shuts his eyes tightly and grimaces. The Kiddie Korner is spellbound.
Bend... bend... bend... bend!
He pushes the spoon forcefully against his forehead, causing it to bend. He opens his eyes and looks at it.
Look at that! Look at that!
The Kiddie Korner cheers.
Thank you. Thank you very much. Okay, who wants whipped cream?
Everyone excitedly raises their hand, calling out to Stanley ("Me!" "Pick me!"). He approaches a conservatively-dressed businessman with a can of whipped cream and gives him a huge squirt in his mouth.