CONTINUED: (3)
TERI
(continuing)
I'm trying to be serious.
George begins to tickle her and she breaks into uncontrollable laughter. The chair tilts over, sending them both sprawling to the carpet.
11 INT. UNCLE HARVEY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
A large party is in progress. George is talking to his AUNT ESTHER, a sweet, kind-hearted woman who has always had a soft spot in her heart for him.
AUNT ESTHER
Oh, George, that's just terrible. Well, don't you worry. You're a fine young man. I'm sure you'll find another job right away. You got such a good face...
She tugs affectionately at his cheek. A relative walks by and Aunt Esther stops her, continuing to pull on George's cheek.
AUNT ESTHER
(continuing)
Look at this face. Would you look at this face? Is this a face you could die for?
George is trying to smile but is obviously in extreme pain. His cheek is stretched to RIDICULOUS proportions (note: special make-up). The relative moves on and Aunt Esther releases her death grip. George rubs his cheek.
GEORGE
So, where's Uncle Harvey? I haven't seen him all night.
AUNT ESTHER
Oh, he'll be out soon. I think he's having some kind of last minute business meeting.
12 INT. BACK BEDROOM - NIGHT
A hot poker game is in progress. Five men are deeply engrossed in the game, chewing on cigars and slugging down beers. HARVEY BILCHIK, George's scheming, gruff-talking (but somehow likeable) uncle, slaps his cards face up on the table.
HARVEY
Two pair, aces high. Read 'em and weep!
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
With a self-satisfied laugh, he rubs his hands together and scoops up the chips from the middle of the table, adding them to his pile. The rest of the players grumble and groan. The phone rings and Howard answers it.
HARVEY
(into phone)
Yeah, what?
(pause)
Hey, Louie! Everybody say hi to Big Louie!
He holds up the phone and everyone AD LIBS "hi's" and "hello's".
HARVEY
(continuing, into phone)
Listen, Louie, I can't talk right now, I'm busy plucking some pigeons... Oh yeah? I won again, huh? Okay, put it all on Lucky Lulu in the forth race tomorrow. Right... Thanks, Louie. Bye.
(he hangs up)
Now, what are we doin' here?
PLAYER
It's your deal, Harvey.
HARVEY
What, my deal again? My, how time flies... when I'm takin' your money!
13 INT. LIVING ROOM
Esther is talking with MORRIS BECKMAN, Harvey's accountant.
MORRIS
So, Esther, are you and Harvey looking forward to your trip to California?
ESTHER
Are you kidding? All Harvey can talk about how he's going to break into the "movie biz"...
Harvey enters the room as his disgruntled gambling buddies make their exit.
ESTHER
(continuing)
Oh! Hi, honey! Have you finished your meeting?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
HARVEY
(flashing a wad of cash)
Yeah, and business was great tonight!
ESTHER
Harvey! Have you been gambling again?
HARVEY
Hey, what are you complainin' for? This is your spending money for when you go shoppin' on Rodeo ("Ro'-dee-oh") Drive!
He shoves a piece of paper in Morris' face.
HARVEY
(continuing)
Morris, I gotta talk to you. Here, I just won this.
MORRIS
(taking the paper)
So?
HARVEY
So, you're my accountant. What is it?
Morris scans the document quickly.
MORRIS
It looks like a deed. Uh... according to this, you're the new owner of Channel 62.
HARVEY
Yeah, no kiddin'? That's great!
MORRIS
No, you don't understand. Channel 62 is a tiny hole-in-the-wall UHF station on the outskirts of town. Nobody watches it. More people watch the fish tank at Leo's Pet Store. It's been on the brink of bankruptcy for years. Harvey... dump it. It'll mean nothing but headaches for you.
HARVEY
Gee, that's too bad. I kinda like the idea of having my own TV station.
MORRIS
I'm telling you, they can't even find anybody to manage that place anymore.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2)
ESTHER
Harvey... I know somebody who'd be perfect for the job.
HARVEY
Yeah? Who's that?
Esther turns her gaze to another part of the room. We find George feeding cold cuts to the family dog which is dancing around on its hind legs on the buffet table.
HARVEY
Oh, no. Not him. Forget it. No way.
ESTHER
George! George, honey, could you come here a second?
George looks o.s. in reaction, and absentmindedly drops some roast beef into the punch bowl. As he walks out of frame, the dog jumps in after it.
ESTHER
(continuing)
Now, Harvey, George is really a very bright boy. He's hard-working, and industrious, and besides, he's your nephew.
HARVEY
Yeah, I know. Don't rub it in.
George enters frame.
ESTHER
George, dear, your uncle has a little proposition for you. Go on, Harvey.
HARVEY
(reluctantly)
Yeah, well, you see, George... I just inherited this TV station, and apparently I need somebody to run the place, and uh... it seems your name came up.
GEORGE
(incredulous)
You want me to run a TV station?
HARVEY
Yeah, I can hardly believe it myself.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (3)
GEORGE
That's great! When do I start?
Harvey looks at Esther for a reprieve, but her glare tells him she means business.
HARVEY
Uh, any time you like... start tomorrow. Just one thing - while me and your Aunt Esther are out in California, I don't wanna hear about any problems with this place. I don't wanna hear about it, I don't wanna know about it. It's in your hands.
GEORGE
You can count on me, Uncle Harvey. So how much does a station manager make, anyway?
HARVEY
(he hadn't thought about this)
Uh... right, that's a really good question. Well, actually, there is no real salary per se. Instead, I've developed a... "Station Manager Incentive Program." Yeah. In lieu of a salary, you'll be a stockholder in the company. You'll get a share of the station's profits.
MORRIS
Profits? But--
Harvey gives him a nudge.
HARVEY
(continuing)
How about, say... forty percent? I'll have my accountant here draw up the papers.
GEORGE
Wow, that's great! Hey, what about my friend Bob? You think he could work there too?
HARVEY
Sure. you can pay him out of your "profits."
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (4)
ESTHER
Now, isn't that nice? I knew everything would work out. I'm so proud of you boys...
Esther see a friend across the room and starts leading George away.
ESTHER
(continuing)
Oh, Helen! Come meet my nephew, the TV executive...
GEORGE
(over his shoulder)
Hey, thanks, Uncle Harvey. Thanks a lot.
HARVEY
See ya later, partner!
(aside to Morris)
Hey, Morris. What's forty percent of nothin'?
14 EXT. STREET - NIGHT
George's car screeches to a halt. He and Teri get out.
GEORGE
(triumphantly)
Well... here we are!
Teri is shocked by what she sees...
15 EXT. CHANNEL 62 BUILDING - NIGHT
...a seedy-looking building in a remote part of town. It appears to be deserted. George and Teri approach the building.
TERI
This is it?
GEORGE
Wow, this is even better than I imagined. Come on, let's go check it out.
TERI
(slightly nervous)
I don't know, George. I don't think there's anybody here.
They climb a few steps and reach the front door. George pulls it open.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
GEORGE
See? The front door's open. it's a friendly place!
As they begin to enter, a droopy-faced bum approaches them.
BUM
Hey, Mister! Change? You got change?
GEORGE
Oh... uh... sure.
George digs ito his pocket and pulls out a handful of loose change. The bum carefully starts picking coins from George's hand.
BUM
...eighty-five... ninety-five... one dollar. Thanks, Mister.
The bum pockets the change, hands George a dollar bill and walks away. George shrugs and enters the building while Teri remains on the front steps, still trying to figure it out. George pulls her inside.
16 INT. CHANNEL 62 - NIGHT
George and Teri walk through a reception area and into the main room, which has several desks weighted down with papers, plus a small kitchen area off to the side. The place looks completely run-down.
TERI
George, this place is a mess.
George surveys the room as he walks toward the kitchen area.
GEORGE
Nah, it's just kinda broken in, you know, like a comfotable old pair of shoes. You know how shoes are. They don't really feel right until they get all smelly and start to fall apart.
He approaches the coffee machine.
GEORGE
(continuing)
Hey, would you look at this! Free coffee! I love this place!
He picks up the coffee pot and pours some lumpy, black liquid into a cup. Deciding he wasn't thirsty after all, George continues to survey the room.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
TERI
I still don't get it. Why would Harvey Bilchik decide to make you the manager of his TV station?
GEORGE
Oh, you know my Uncle Harvey. He's always been kinda like an uncle to me.
TERI
I don't know, George, this whole thing sounds...
She is distracted by some WEIRD NOISES coming from a back room.
TERI
(continuing)
Uh... I think there's somebody here.
Together they cautiously approach the door to the back room. Slowly, George pushes it open.
17 INT. PHILO'S WORKSHOP - NIGHT
George and Teri enter a room filled with various bizarre pieces of electrical apparatus. Off to one side of the room, they see some video tape equipment and several TV monitors, all showing "The Beverly Hillbillies." It is disturbingly quiet, except for the weird buzzing sounds coming from the equipment.
VOICE (O.S)
Can I help you?
George and Teri almost jump out of their skin. They look around and find PHILO, the eccentric, soft-spoken genius engineer of Channel 62, crouched down behind some equipment.
GEORGE
Who are you?
PHILO
I'm Philo, chief engineer. Who are you?
GEORGE
Uh, I'm George Newman, the new station manager. And this is my girlfriend Teri.
PHILO
(studying her)
Teri... you must be a dental hygenist.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
TERI
(dumbfounded)
How did you know that?
PHILO
You have the eyes of a dental hygenist.
Teri does a nervous take to George.
GEORGE
So... isn't it a little late for you to be working? I mean, what time do you normally go home?
PHILO
This is my home. I live here. Hold these.
Philo hands George two thick pieces of electrical cable with large electrodes at each end.
PHILO
(continuing)
No, like this...
Philo adjusts the positioning of the electrodes so that they are approximately two feet apart. He then walks over to a giant piece of humming equipment and adjusts one of the dials.
GEORGE
What are you doing?
PHILO
Oh, I just want to see if my interociter can withstand a sudden charge of sixty-thousand volts.
Philo throws the switch.
GEORGE
Wha-?
A huge arc of electrical current suddenly appears, dancing wildly between the electrodes. George looks terrified. Philo shuts off the current.
PHILO
Yeah, it works.
GEORGE
(backing out)
Well, it's been really great meeting you, Philo, but we gotta go. I guess I'll see you tomorrow.
PHILO
Yeah... that's what they all say.
18 INT. U62 MAIN ROOM - NIGHT
George and Teri are approaching the front door, about to exit.
TERI
George... this place is looney toons.
GEORGE
Aw, you're just jealous cause you don't have a psychotic working for you. Listen, I don't know why, but I've got a good feeling about this place. I've finally got a real opportunity to prove myself, and this time I'm not going to blow it. You'll see. You're gonna be proud of me.
(he looks around)
I'm going to put Channel 62 on the map.
George opens the front door, which comes off its hinges.
19 EXT. U62 - DAY
George and Bob are walking towards the front entrance of the building.
BOB
I'm still not sure about this, George. I don't know the first thing about what goes on at a TV station.
GEORGE
Don't worry, Bob. It's just like working at a fish market, except you don't have to clean and gut fish all day.
20 INT. U62 - RECEPTION AREA - DAY
They enter and find the station's receptionist busily typing behind the front desk. This is PAMELA FINKLESTEIN, a frustrated career woman in her late-20's with a somewhat annoying Brooklyn accent.
PAM
So, can I help you?
GEORGE
Hi, I'm George Newman. I'm the new station manager.
PAM
(cold stare)
I hate this job.
George and Bob are taken aback.
(CONTINUED)
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