Gene Kirkwood & John Hyde
8125 Lankershim Blvd.
N. Hollywood, CA 91605
1 EXT. DENSE JUNGLE - DAY
Three silhouetted figures are cutting their way through the dense jungle. As the leader and his two guides continue forward, one of the guides drops back and slowly starts to draw his gun. In one quick motion, the leader turns and cracks his whip, sending the gun flying from the guide's hand.
CLOSE ANGLE - GUIDE
Filled with fear, the astonished guide runs off, clutching his injured hand.
CLOSE ANGLE - LEADER IN SILHOUETTE
Our leader steps forward from the shadows. This is GEORGE NEWMAN (our main character, played by Weird Al) looking much like "INDIANA JONES." George continues forward out of the frame as the remaining guide looks at him in amazement..
2 EXT. MOUTH OF CAVE - DAY
As George starts to enter the cave, his guide tries to restrain him. George pulls himself away and motions the guide forward.
3 INT. JUNGLE CAVE
The two men enter the cave and brush their way through the cobwebs. Suddenly they stop, and a look of terror flashes across the guide's face.
Slowly, the guide points at the wall of the cave, on which we see a mysterious-looking symbol.
George turns and gives the guide a determined look. Still trembling, the guide takes one last look at his master, then turns and runs out of the cave. The instant he reaches daylight, he is run over by a SPEEDING LOCOMOTIVE.
CLOSE ANGLE - GEORGE
Oblivious to the fate of his guide, George continues forward. He hesitates briefly upon seeing a skull and crossbones embedded in the wall of the cave, but his courage holds firm.
After a few more steps, he encounters a freeway "DO NOT ENTER" sign... then a line of highway pylons and several roadblocks with "POLICE LINE - DO NOT CROSS" stenciled on them. Like a man possessed, he plunges forward.
As he moves through the obstacles, we hear the o.s. sound of a TELEPHONE RINGING. He finds a pay telephone on the wall of the cave and lifts the receiver to his ear.
He hangs up the phone, turns a corner and then... he finally sees what he has come for.
GEORGE'S P.O.V. - SECRET CHAMBER
We see a room filled with eerie light. At the end of the room is a pedestal on which a beautiful golden statue sits.
ANGLE ON GEORGE
George cautiously approaches the statue, which we now see resembles an OSCAR. Sweating profusely, George takes from his satchel a small bag filled with sand. He carefully begins to pour it out, as he approximates the bag's weight with that of the statue. After a few moments of intense concentration, George decides that is is more trouble than it's worth - he chucks the sandbag on the ground, grabs the statue, and makes a run for it. Suddenly the center of the pedestal begin to sink and a cascade of rocks and dust starts to fall from the ceiling.
He runs frantically through the falling debris, then suddenly stops, almost falling into a deep, cavernous pit. George grabs a nearby vine, hoping to use it to get across. Instead, it falls loose to the ground. Thinking quickly, he takes from his belt a rope with a huge hook attached to it and throws it across the pit. The hook wedges securely into the ground. Then, with super-human strength, George pulls the other side over to where he is, closing the gap.
He hops across and continues to run. Suddenly we hear a loud RUMBLING sound and see a gigantic boulder rolling straight towards him. George makes a mad dash for the mouth of the cave.
4 EXT. MOUTH OF CAVE - DAY
George dives out of the cave and tumbles through the brush. With a sigh of relief, he gets up and brushes himself off. Then... we hear a familiar RUMBLING. George runs out of frame and the giant boulder appears, still rolling after him.
In a SERIES OF SHOTS, we see the boulder chasing George through the jungle... through the desert... through a field... across abusy highway as traffic in both directions screeches to a halt... and down an escalator in a crowded department store.
5 EXT. CITY STREET - DAY
George rounds the corner of a large building on a city street. The boulder follows in hot pursuit, rounding the same corner. George runs toward camera at full speed, until his sweating face fills the frame. Finally, he collapses out of exhaustion in the foreground. The huge boulder rolls over George, squishing him flat.
6 INT. BURGER WORLD - CLOSE ANGLE ON BURGER - DAY
A hamburger patty is sizzling away on a hot grill.
ANGLE ON GEORGE
George Newman, wearing a ridiculous Burger World uniform, is staring down at the grill, lost in a daydream. George is a well-meaning but misguided soul whose overactive imagination is constantly getting him into trouble. He is approached by his roommate, best friend and co-worker BOB STECKLER, who has a somewhat more down-to-earth approach to life
He's not getting through. Bob brings his mouth to within an inch of George's ear.
George screams as he snaps back to reality.
George starts filling a cup with coke.
George overfills the cup, takes a sip, puts the cap on and hands it o.s.
Terrified of getting hit with splattering grease, Geroge turns his head away as he tries to flip a burger. The burger lands up on the ceiling, where several other burgers are already stuck. Bob shakes his head and starts flipping burgers like an expert.
George carefully tries to flip the burgers.
George places the burgers on buns and proceeds to drown them in mustard. In the b.g., one or two burgers fall from the ceiling.
George lifts a tray of fries out of the grease. They are burned beyond recognition.
George turns around and finds himself face-to-face with Big Edna, the meanest, most intimidating hulk of a woman on the planet. She is not happy.
7 EXT. FRONT DOOR OF BURGER WORLD - DAY
As the door opens, George and Bob are hurled across the length of the parking lot.
8 EXT. BRICK BUILDING - DAY - WIDE ANGLE
George and Bob pull up in a 1958 Metropolitain and park in front of a brick building on a city street. They approach the building. On the second floor is a window with a sign that reads "KUNI'S KARATE SCHOOL." We hear the GRUNTS AND GROANS of Kuni's class in action.
ANGLE ON GEORGE & BOB
Suddenly we hear the o.s. sound of a WINDOW SMASHING, and a body in white karate garb falls through frame. George nonchalantly looks down, and then up at the window.
Kuni is peering down through the broken window. He speaks with a heavy Japanese accent, and always through a big, cheery smile.
As George and Bob enter the building, we hear more o.s. GLASS BREAKING and another body falls through frame.
9 INT. GEORGE AND BOB'S APARTMENT - DAY
George and Bob enter their apartment, a semi-funky bachelor pad. Bob dejectedly makes his way to the couch while George heads for the kitchen. Throughout this scene we hear LOUD BANGING and MUFFLED SCREAMS from the adjacent karate school.
George pours himself a cup of coffee and begins to add sugar. We hear a LOUD THUD from next door, causing several dishes to rattle and a bowl to fall out of the cupboard. George is unfazed. He looks over and sees Bob picking up the classifieds.
George finishes pouring what is now an enormous amount of sugar. He takes a sip, grimaces and proceeds to add more sugar.
Suddenly an arm sporting a wristwatch smashes through the wall with a karate punch. George grabs it and looks at the watch.
10 INT. TERI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
TERI CAMPBELL, a bright, perky woman in her early twenties, is impatiently thumbing through a magazine at her dining table.
Suddenly we hear a low o.s. "CH-CH-CH-CH-CH..." sound, staight out of "FRIDAY THE 13TH." Teri looks up from her magazine with a puzzled expression. We hear the sound again - this time accompanied by an ominous musical DRONE. The sound seems to be coming from behind the front door.
Teri cautiously crosses the room and approaches the door. We hear the sound again - this time slightly louder. She hesitates briefly, then swings the door open wide. A menacing figure wearing a hocky mask is standing in the hallway.
George enters the apartment and takes off his mask. He puts it on a nearby bust of Beethoven.
George presents Teri with a cute stuffed animal. She smiles weakly, opens her bedroom door, and tosses it inside. The entire room is filled with stuffed animals. They continue into the kitchen.
George takes the lid off of one of the pots and examines its contents.
George and Teri bring the food to the table. They sit down and George immediately starts scooping giant spoonfuls of mashed potatoes onto his plate. Teri is busy dishing out her own food, and doesn't notice what George is doing.
George now has an enormous mound of mashed potatoes on his plate, and is sculpting it into a replica of "DEVIL'S TOWER" from "CLOSE ENCOUNTERS." He is staring intensely at his creation.
George gets up, walks over to Teri, and sits on her lap. He stares "meaningfully" into her eyes.
They are now nose to nose as George nods quietly with a sad, puppy-dog expression.
George slowly leans over as if he's about to kiss her neck and instead delivers a loud neck raspberry. She is exasperated but somehow charmed.