AQUARIUS!

There's travel in you future when your tongue freezes
to the back of a speeding bus.
Fill in that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-
Mole 17 hours a day.

PISCES!

Try to avoid any Virgos of Leos with the Ebola virus.
You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what
those idiots at work say.

ARIES!

The look on your face will be priceless when you find
that 40-pound watermelon in your colon.
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a
hickey to Meryl Streep.

TAURUS!

You will never find true happiness- what you
gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch
of stuff and then go back to sleep.

That's your horoscope for today.
That's your horoscope for today.
That's your horoscope for today.
That's your horoscope for today.

GEMINI!

Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your
explosive flatulence.
Your love life will fun into trouble when your fiancé
hurls a javelin through your chest.

CANCER!

The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the
rest of the week face down in the mud.
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while
taking your driver's test.

LEO!

Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and
staple it to your boss's face, oh no.
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it
down with a gallon of strawberry Quik.

VIRGO!

All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent- except for you.
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with
your head impaled upon a stick.

That's your horoscope for today.
That's your horoscope for today.
That's your horoscope for today.
That's your horoscope for today.

Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least
a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets
and the stars could have a special deep significance or
meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let
me give you my assurance that these forcasts and
predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented
evidence, so you would have to be some kind of
moron not to realize that every single one of them is
absolutely true.

Where was I?

LIBRA!

A big promotion is just around the corner for some-
one much more talented than you.
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that
when your appendix bursts next week.

SCORPIO!

Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall
screaming from an open window.
Work a little bit harder on improving your
low self esteem, you stupid freak.

SAGITTARIUS!

All your friends are laughing behind your back...
kill them.
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine
you've got hanging in your den.

CAPRICORN!

The stars say you're an exciting and wonderful
person... but you know they're lying.
If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never
never never never never leave my house again.

That's your horoscope for today.
That's your horoscope for today.
That's your horoscope for today.
That's your horoscope for today.