I moved through the alleyways, taking the long way and preferring to stay as much away fom the living streets as possible. The soft drizzle that was coming down was almost comforting; so silent, watchful. It covered everything, the brick walls of the surrounding buildings, the concrete beneath my boots. These things were wet, semingly without chance of getting dry, and for a minute it seemed as if i were deep within some dark cave somewhere.

It felt so nice just to not think for a while, to put my inner voice on hold for a while. Ha, let him listen to that crappy music on the other end of the line.

I reached the door of her building. Pressing the button, I waited until I heard the familiar light, chiming voice through the speaker.

"Yes?" it asked, a nice little slice of sanity.

"It's me, Al," I replied. No need for specifics; she knew me well enough and I came here almost every night.

She buzzed me in.

I trudged up the dingy flight of stairs to Alciena's small apartment. On sitcoms, they always show apartment buildings to be nicely fuurnished with gleaming elevators taking you to every brightly-lit floor. I'm not saying that buindings like that don't exist, they do, but the one that Alcie lived in was, well...more realistic. Sounds of life were audible behind some of the doors I passed on the way down the corridor; TVs on full-blast, a couple arguing. Reaching her door, I lazily knocked it with the back of my hand a few times. I could hear her clomping over to the door to answer. Must be wearing some heavy boots. I listened as she unlocked the many locks, and sighed. It was horrible that people had to keep that many locks on their doors just to protect themselves from eachother. The knob finally turned, and the door opened. There she was standing in the doorway, smiling, radiant, the light from overhead shining off her candy-apple colored hair, cropped off and geled. We hugged briefly, ans I walked inside and dropped myself sideways into an armchair, legs draped over one arm, and cosed my eyes. For once, I felt safe.

Alcie had gone straight from the doorway to a small window around which she kept her plants, to water them. Alcie treasured those plants. She stood there for a while, feeling the texture of the leaves and marveling at their colors. Alcie could be that way, becomming completly absorbed in something so simple, examining it in wonder. She seemed to see something special in things, what it was I couldn't tell. I used to tell her simply, "It's just a leaf", but she'd gaze at it as if it wrer something more. Secretly, I wished I could spend just a day with her eyes, see what she saw, feel what she felt. Maybe I couldn't have done it even if it were possible, maybe there was noghing extra at all and she was just deluding herself into thinking things are more than they really are and...

No. That could never be. The only thing I could ever find myself to really trust and believe in was her. And the strange thing was, I don't know why. Or maybe it's not so strange.

When I opened my eyes again, Alcie had left her plants and was standing over the armchair I was sitting in. She was looking at me with this caring, glowing, slightly concerned look on her face. The concern made me look away. I never could stand to have anyone feeling concern for me, no matter how much I longed for someone to feel it. Especially not the kind I saw reflected in Alcie's face. It seemes futile; as much as she tried, I wasn't sure she'd understand. She gently touched my hair, tilted her head to one side , and said the two words I knew were coming: "What's wrong?"

I sat up in the chair and leaned my head on my hand. Let out an involuntary sigh. Classic melancholy despair cliche, I must've looked corny as hell.

I can't touch her. I never really could, it always seemed like she were some wonderful reflection in a pond, and the minute I would get my hand near it it would slip through my fingers. As much as I felt that, like she were miles away from me, this night it felt as if for once I were actually sitting in the same room with her, exchanging thoughts and words. And it felt like she did understand. I think I tapped into a whole new person inside of her that I never knew existed, and it was wonderful. We talked, I told her about all the petty things that were going wrong, like the manager at the restaurant hiring this snotty new busboy who was making my daytime life even more of a living hell. And we talked about less petty things, like how we felt about all this. She told me to look at things once in a while, that sometimes beauty and the simple things that we ignore make things more bearable. But I don't know if I could do that, things were so dark and it was hard to find beauty in anything. But Alcie just smiled, and said "It'll happen; you'll see." Usually, when people say things like that, I just wave it off because it seems so empty, and they're just trying to give you a response because they can't give you an answer. But with Alcie, it felt true, I can't explain it. And when I picked up my trenchcoat and put it on to leave, it seemed like I had actually connected with someone. I left with a warm feeling I hadn't felt in a long time.

I walked to my apartment. It really isn't far from Alcie's, but that isn't the only reason I walked. I did it so I could be alone outside for a while, to think. Once I stepped in the door of my apartment, I wouldn't want to do anything but eat, sleep, or let out a little bit of creative energy. And so it was good to let my mind run out here. There were no articulate thoughts, though. Just the feeling of finally having discovered something, and of relief that the emptyness was finally gone for a while. When I get home, I thought, I think I'll paint.

And stepping in the door, I threw the mail and my coat over a chair and went to set up an easel with a canvas, got my paints, and sat down. The fallen angel, I thought, and sighed. I dipped my brush into the gold. more later...