look at me
i want you to see me
i want to disappear forever
i don't know what i want and i do.
i tend to hide a lot from everyone, i know this, and they probably know this too. well...basically...i'm sick of it. come in and look at me. what do you see?
i see myself in the mirror of your eyes and i wander who it is standing there where i should be...
sometimes i sit in the dark and just listen to nothing in particular.
i like the rain..and lightning and thunder. i like listening to the same cd for days on end.
sometimes i just want to get in the car and drive somewhere--anywhere. it wouldn't matter. just to be able to get out of here...i don't want to leave and i can't stand to stay.
i watch people walking through my world and i wonder if they see me. i wonder if they remember me. i wonder if they know me.
i don't care what you think but i want you to like me.
i feel lost among the crowd, just a shadow standing in the dark. i'm generally a happy person, though, even if i do have a 'fixation on death' ..a soft slow smile.. i enjoy my friends, i love some of them more than myself. i trust only two.
i'm hurt very often. i try not to cry in public. i try to keep my feelings hidden because i'm afraid to let anyone know i can be weak.
i want to fly
i walk down the dark streets, peering in windows and hesitating before doors. i like to watch the people inside. i never talk to any. i rarely knock on anyone's door. i see others walking down the streets and being welcomed into houses with bright lights and loud voices. i wonder if any of them see a small shadow hovering by the bushes.
i speak in metaphors
i love the smell of roses. i have three dried roses hanging in my room. i love going out at night and smelling the air, looking up at the stars and the moon and taking in the smooth sweet silence of untouched beauty.
i don't talk much, for all the words tumbling around in my head. i enjoy just sitting in silence with my friends, watching them; their faces, their hands, their eyes. i wish i could tell them how much i care...
i am a writer, i think, and a poet...i try. i enjoy playing with words, hearing their sounds and seeing the black ink spread slowly across a blank page in many different jumbled characters, thinking how much my handwriting says about me.
i try to run away, but i never leave the house. i lay in bed at night staring up at the dark ceiling with one of many cds playing and just think. yes, that's right, i think. i wonder what those i know are doing. i wonder if any of them think about me. i wish i was more like a few of them. i want to be like myself, though. the self that's hidden away so deep down that we haven't spoken in years.
i want to have all the happiness and joy and freedom of a small child with all the wisdom of an adult.
i want to be taken care of. i want to be independent
i try to smile for you, but it only cracks my mask just a little more. i wonder if you can see these cracks, then i think, no that's not possible. for you see, i glue them back together every night. i have many masks that follow me around for easy use. most can never tell i use them.
i like to stay up late at night and watch the repeating news program for no real reason.
i like watching the candle's flame flicker slightly in the wind and the wax dripping down the side.
i wish someone could love me unconditionally.
sometimes i want to scream and cry and run as far as i can until i collapse just to know i can do it.
sometimes i just say things to see how others will react to them
i want you to know me. i want you to like me. i want you to see me for who i am and not run away. i don't want to be seen as negative or cynical or sarcastic as i so often am. i want to be seen for the quiet, reserved, optimist hiding beneath the surface. i want to do things just to do them and not have a reason at all. i want to live and breath and cry and laugh and feel the wind on my face and smell the sweet smell of an overgrown garden and just be.
i enjoy those quiet moments when i write everything running through my head and hand the paper to someone i care most about and sort of smile knowing that i'm giving them a part of me and they'll accept it. i wish i could do that more often. i wish the times those things come out aren't the times when i'm most hurt. i want to be able to walk up to my best friend and say "i don't know where i'd be without you" and cry if i need to.
i want to be something special to someone. i want to make something, contribute something, be useful.
i want to change something for the better.
i want to be able to do nothing all day except lay in bed and read a good book.
i want to belong and i want to be let go.
i spend too much time thinking and i know it. i don't believe in god and i do. i am faithless and foolish, yet i believe everything. i try not to take chances. i spend too much time dissecting events and people. i am depressed quite often...i am most happy when allowed to just do without requirements or restrictions or time limits.
i like making other people happy. i'll do almost anything to make someone smile. i hate seeing other people cry but i stare at my own tears in wonder as they fall from my face.
i feel moments of such extreme emptiness that i wonder if i'm even alive. i would die just to see what its like after death. sometimes i wish i could break through all physical form to be truly free.
my favourite place to go is the corner.
i go out of my way to be noticed, but it annoys me when people stare at me. i act like their insults don't bother me but they hurt more than i want them too. i pretend it doesn't matter that the popular people don't like me. i pretend it doesn't matter that i can trust so few people. i pretend it doesn't matter. but it does.
i know what love is like.
i dont know what hatred is...cruel bitter hatred.
i know i can kill someone and that scares me.
i know i can kill myself and that scares me even more.
i want to feel whole.
this is me. or so i think. i can't very well ask you if i'm right. i wonder if you'd know any better than me... maybe you would. but this is me.
©1998 m. hughes
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