"Outside a dog, a book is a man's best friend.    Inside a dog, it's too dark to read."    Groucho Marx

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.  Groucho Marx      

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. Groucho Marx      

Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet! Groucho Marx    

Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!  Groucho Marx    

I can see you and I married. I can see you bending over the stove. I can't see the stove!  Groucho Marx    

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.  Groucho Marx    

Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.   Groucho Marx    

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.   Groucho Marx    

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing..if you can fake that, you've got it made.   Groucho Marx    

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.   Groucho Marx    

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.  Groucho Marx    

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.  Groucho Marx    

I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.  Groucho Marx    

Remember men,  you are fighting for the lady's honour. Which is probably more than she ever did.   Groucho Marx    

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.  Groucho Marx    

Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.  Groucho Marx    

We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next week.  Groucho Marx    

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.  Groucho Marx    

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.  Groucho Marx    
   
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. Groucho Marx   

I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin. Groucho Marx    

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. No use being a damn fool about it. Groucho Marx    

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. Groucho Marx    

"Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped". Supposed last words of Groucho Marx    

PJ O' Rourke   

Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective. -- P. J. O'Rourke   

Jack Handey   

"If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone."   

"If trees could scream, would we be always cutting them down? We might...if they screamed all the time for no good reason!"   

"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."