As told by Andrew (exactly quoted):
"It as the evening of April 24th. i remember that because it was my birthday, not like the birthday where you have your friends over and party and eat cake and all that shit... i mean the one where you flop out of your mom's pussy all covered in goo and membranes and gross shit. anyway, i made my big entrance and the doctor grabbed me by the head just like my mom did yesterday when i was trying to steal a sweatshirt of her's to go to the gym, i was taking a new trash talk class called "current trash talk terms and their effects", i'd never been to the gym before yesterday, i thought it would be fun, but when i went this fucker kept calling my name, "andrew, andrew", and i was like "yeah?" and he was like "andrew andrew". i later found out he was deaf and thought he was saying "bandrew", which i said wasn't even a real word, then he said "well i think it's a real word" and i said "but it's not" and he said "fuck you" and i punched him in the face. after he finished crying he told me a story, he said, "bandrew, my father used to punch me like that, after he would get back from the bar, he would beat me until i..." then i interrupted with "my name's not fucking bandrew" and punched him in the face again "it's not even a fucking word!" and by then they had thrown me out of the gym for not wearing any clothes. so that's how i got kicked out of the gym, so back to the story, i took my mom's sweater and was about to put it on when she walked in the room and said "is that my sweater" and i said "not anymore" then she started crying and said "my father used to talk to me like that, after he got back from the bar and beat my brother and mother", then i said "wow does that mean the guy i punched at the gym was my uncle?" (think about it kids) and she said "you haven't been to the gym yet you stupid ball knocker, you don't go until after you take my sweater" and i said "fuck you" and threw the sweater and my pants at her for a distraction, then she grabbed my head and i said "hey i remember this from somewhere, i think i was a fetus when i was last grabbed in this manner" and she said "god you're fucking stupid, you can't remember shit from when you were a fetus" and i said "well maybe you can't, because you're a shit head" and then i ran off to the gym, but along the way i met a homeless guy who needed to buy some alchohal (not food, why would he want food? he wants to get wasted) and as the fashon of the time would dictate my behavior, i took off my underwear and said, will this help, and he said "hey are you the nefew of that guy in the gym who keeps saying his name over and over? what's his name... bandrew?" and i said "just because he was trying to say that word, that doesn't mean it's his name, you don't go around saying, homeless guy, homeless guy do you?" and he said "homeless guy, homeless guy" and i said "that's not your name, that was just an example, you would use you name" and he said "homeless guy, homeless guy" and i said "what's your name?" and he said "Margarie" and i said "well you don't go around saying "Margarie, Margarie, do you?" and he said "no, i say homeless guy, homeless guy" and i said "why do you do that?" and he said "so i can get a free gym membership" and i said "how's that?" and he said "it's a contest, whoever can either say homeless guy, homeless guy the most, or recall what happened 10 minutes after their own birth wins!" and i said "that's an odd contest" and he said "homeless guy, homeless guy" and so i went to the gym and told them about my birth, how the doctor grabbed my head, and then he puked on me, and said i was a cursed child and then at exactly 10 minutes after i was born i said "fuck" and that's all, i've never been able to speak since. then the people in charge of the contest informed me that the real contest was to get someone to believe that there was actually a contest to either say homeless guy, homeless guy, over and over, or to tell what happened exactly 10 minutes after their birth, and that the homeless guy named Marg won, and i said, no he didn't win, Margarie did, because he made me believe that. and they said, but you're too late, this guy named bandrew already believed it and won the contest for a different homeless guy named Marg. i said that was bullnut pudding and they said, wow that was a shitty use of slang, and i said bite me and they said with great sarcasm "oh no, he's breaking out the 90's trash talk, we're so scared, that was so last week" and i said "...shit... it was very last week... i need to catch up on the latest trash talk" and they told me about a trash talk class they were offering at the gym. So i went to the gym, and got kicked out. then i waited in the parking lot (mararie and me because we wanted to beat the shit out of marg and bandrew for winning the contest), we waited for like an hour and then they came out, and we said in perfect unison "yo yo yo, you'd best step the fuck back, it's time to get nasty" and bandrew said "hey, you're the naked guy that beat me up in the gym", and i said "you're my uncle bandrew?" and he said "you stupid fuck, why do you think i'm you're uncle? because your mom was in a situation the paralelled the one of my sister? that's a fucking retarded assumption to make!" and i said "you go around saying your own name?" and margarie said "i told you it was his fucking name!" and i said "that's fucked up, nobody goes around saying their own name" then me and margarie beat the shit out of bandrew and marg, it was fun, but then 10 minutes later i realized my whole story didn't make sense, and that i was sorry you had to read it."
shortly after telling the story he (andrew) put a box over his head and crawled
back into his favorite garbage can, the one he calls his
"moon rocket"