You know I hate it when you shut me out. We haven't even really talked to each other in who knows how long, but I can tell that this silence is different. I can tell there's more to this than you're letting show. I wish you would tell me what it is, Hunter. This silence is driving me crazy.
I know you don't owe me anything. After all, I am the one that called it all off out of the blue one day without explanation. But damn it, Hunter, how the hell was I supposed to tell you that I left you because you didn't love me? I mean, I know you won't admit it, but I knew you still loved Steve, and it killed me every time you told me you'd love me forever because I knew you were really saying the words to him. I knew it was his name your heart spoke even as my name formed on your lips.
Do you know what it was like for me then? I saw him and all I could do was think of you. I saw you and all I could do was wonder why you couldn't love me. I gave you everything I had, everything you ever wanted, and *still* you couldn't love me.
That's just not fucking fair, Hunter. Not fair to me, not fair to Steve, and most importantly not fair to you.
Yeah, I think only of you, even now. I know I shouldn't sit by the phone and wait for your call, and I know I shouldn't think that you might walk over and talk to me on your rare visits backstage. But I can't keep from doing those things, Hunter, because I still love you, and no matter how hard I try, I can't stop loving you.
I thought that if I broke it off it would be easier on me, but I really think it made it worse. Knowing it's my fault makes it so much worse. Knowing that I could still hold you in my arms at night and wipe the tears you would cry in your sleep. Knowing that you would have been there for me always, that you would try to love me every second of every day, even if you didn't really feel it in your heart. Knowing that you might have grown to love me if I had only been patient enough to wait.
That's the hardest part for me, really. That I just wasn't strong enough to wait for you to stop loving him and start loving me. That feeling your arms wrapped around me as we made love just wasn't enough for me.
And maybe that's what's wrong with you, too. I don't know why I didn't think about it, but the fact that you being with me wasn't enough for me probably hurts you more than it does me. God, how could I have been so stupid? How could let me be so stupid?
Why didn't you stop me from leaving? Why didn't you tell me what you thought, what you felt, what you feel now? Why did you let me do this to you?
Please, Hunter, I know I have no right to ask this of you, but please don't shut me out completely. I'm not asking for things to go back to the way they were. I'm not asking to be your best friend, even. I'm not even asking for you to give a damn about me or be nice to me. I don't care if you scream, yell, kick my ass, or tell me to fuck off, just please, Hunter...
Please talk to me.
