For a while I could ignore what he does to me. A long while. I told myself that he just pushed all my buttons and knew how to irritate me. When he stopped giving me hell, I thought I would die. For weeks or months on end I would plot ways to get him to target me, just to hear him say my name. Usually it would work, and he'd be right back at it. The happiness I felt is what first clued me in on my obsession with him, but still I tried to ignore it as a *need*.
It was easy to ignore my obsession with him because I had other things to focus on. Austin and Helmsley helped get this blonde fire-brand out of my head, out of my breath. All the insecurity I felt because of him I took out on them. But they weren't always there. For months on end I cried myself to sleep because I couldn't be near him. I watched him on T.V. every week, and cried because it wasn't MY life he was making a living hell.
But my life *was* hell without him. I had to face it, because I had nothing else to hide behind. Helmsley was gone. The main focus of my anger at myself was gone. I couldn't hide from myself anymore. And I was scared shitless.
I think I still am, though I don't know if I am scared of him or myself.
I wasn't in love with him. I just *needed* him to fill the emptiness inside. I am not even sure if I love him now, but I know I can't live without him. I do everything I can to be near him. My body goes on auto-pilot when he's around, and I can't help but antagonise him. To feel his body under me. His breath on my neck. His voice in my ears. Even if it only happens when I am beating his ass down in the ring or backstage, and vice-versa. I have to be near him. That's why I started this again. I can't ignore my want anymore.
So I goad him. I challenge him. I throw the script out the window. I can tell he's going through something that has nothing to to with me. His heart just doesn't seem to be into getting back at me for the fans. There isn't a fire in his eyes anymore... I know he has to see the fire in mine. I know he *has* to know what he's doing to me.
I should be worried. I know that I should do something to help him through this. I know exactly what he's going through. I know he is obsessed with someone he can never have. Every line on his face matches mine. Every circle under his eyes mirrors my own. I know the signs. I know the blank stare. I know he's using me to drive his obsession out of his mind.
When I am standing face to face with him, I notice that my tongue gets all twisted and my words are strained. It's as if I am drowning in the endless blue ocean of his eyes. Like he is flooding my sanity with his despreate need to feel what he is feeling. He doesn't know I already understand. So he pushes me. He needs to filter all the anger and self-loathing onto someone, and I just happen to be the one he's staring at.
The knowing has me spiraling through the abyssal madness of his eyes. Knowing he doesn't want me. Doesn't need me. I know it's Hunter, and I can't see what the fuck he has that I don't have. What he could possibly give Chris that I couldn't? It angers the hell out of me to the point that I am losing the control over myself that is usually there, and I am pretty sure the same thoughts go through Chris' mind, only not about me.
We are both angry at the same man for different reasons, and the only way to vent it is to take it out on each other and the person closest to being Hunter. I almost feel sorry for her getting caught in the middle of this fucked up situation...Oh, who the fuck am I kidding, I hate her. But I think I hate her because she keeps taking Chris' time away from me.
Two days until No Mercy. I have two days to decide what the hell I am going to do about this. Do I just watch him destroy himself, or do I let him destroy me? He's already destroyed my pride and he doesn't know it. He's already destroyed my mind and he doesn't know it. If I let him destroy me phisically, would that take his focus off of me entirely?
God, I don't want that! Even if all I am getting is a negative response from him, it's better than nothing. If I elude him, then he will pursue me like never before, right? Then he won't have to worship a man that doesn't want him. He won't have to think, eat, sleep, and breath Hunter anymore. I would become his obsession. I would be the one he craves. The only one in the Lion's den.
Ok, Chris. Just bring it.
