I really didn't mean to hurt you, and fuck me if it doesn't tug on my heartstrings when I see that look in your eyes. A part of me wants to rush up to you, tell you it's all going to be okay, that I was wrong when I told you I didn't want to be with you anymore. But I can't do that, not this time. I've done it so many times in the last year that my head spins just thinking about it.
I can't keep letting you live in this fantasy world that has us being together. I can't let you deny that we don't belong together as lovers, because it only makes it worse for you. I wanted so much for you to realize this all on your own. I didn't want to have to end things this way, but you really left me no choice, Kurt. You refused to open your eyes, so I had to open them for you.
I see the question in your eyes as you look at me from across the room. Why? That's what your eyes plead to me, but I don't have an answer. I don't know why we grew apart. I don't know why it didn't work out after how hard we tried to make it. I don't know why love wasn't enough in the end. All I know is that it wasn't, and there isn't anything more I can do about it.
The thing is, I don't think I really want to do anything about it. I don't think I have wanted to fix it for a long time. I know I have claimed to want it for as long as I realized it was over, repeated it like mantra, but I was just really not wanting to deal with what it was going to do to you. You don't know how to just pick up and move on. You've never had your love change for a person like this, and I can't help you through no matter how much I want to.
This really isn't as easy on me as it seems, either. Yeah, I come off cool and in control in from of everyone, in front of you, but when no one is looking I just cry until I have no more tears left to shed. I lay awake at night wondering if I had done something differently would it have worked between us? Would I have been able to love you the same as you love me? Would I have been able to stop another from stealing what was rightfully yours? Would I have been able to give you all of my heart, if I tried hard enough?
The answer is no, and I know it. I didn't mean to fall in love with someone else, Kurt; it just happened that way. Oh, that's not what made me fall out of love with you, but it certainly didn't help matters any.
I'm not even sure when I fell in love with him. We've been friends for so fucking long that I know I shouldn't have fallen in the first place, but since I don't know when it happened, I certainly couldn't stop myself from letting it happen. I know he will never feel the same for me as I do him, but that doesn't help me not feel it either. That's why I say I do understand how you feel, Kurt. Because I really do know what it feels like to love someone that doesn't love you in return.
I guess this is some kind of twisted Karma coming back on me. I have to go through what I put you through as some sort of penance for what I've done to you, I guess. Until now I never believed in Karma. I never believed that what goes around comes around, especially not for me. I always imagined that I was untouchable by such things, and damned if I haven't been proved wrong.
You are much stronger than I am, do you know that? You tell me what you want without hesitation, knowing that I am going to tell you that you can't have it with me. I can't tell him what I want because I am afraid of rejection. You take the rejection and come back for more because that's how set in your convictions you are. I'm just a coward who hides behind imaginary walls to keep from hearing from his mouth what I tell you almost everyday.
I know you are going to be the one who comes out of this on top. You are going to grieve and wonder for a while, but you'll grow past it, I know you will. All you have to do is set your mind to it, and you will finally move on to someone who deserves all the love you have to give. Find someone who can be everything I wasn't, and you'll make it. One day I am going to wake up alone, knowing I had it all and let it go because I couldn't make myself feel for you what I feel for someone else.
But at least you'll have something to show for it. At least you will come out of this stronger, and whoever you wind up with will know how to cherish what you have to give and hold onto it with all their might.
All I will have is a love I cannot share with anyone because I don't know how to let him not be who I feel it for, and I can't bring myself to let him know I feel it, either. Fitting, really, that it will come around full circle that way. Fitting that I will know to believe in Fate and Karma finally, and I'll wish that I didn't have to learn the way I taught you.
The hard way.
