When did that happen, I wonder? I mean, did you just wake up one day and say "Hey, I don't love Shane anymore- what the hell was I thinking!?" Is that how easy it was, or did it gradually occur to you, so gradually that you weren't even aware that it happened until it was too late to stop it?
The lake isn't completely frozen, and the urge to jump in and see how long it takes for it to claim me is a strong one. If I thought death would make me forget you, I surely would have done it long ago, but I doubt that even death could erase you from my memory. With my luck, my penance would be to see how happy you and Hunter are for the rest of my unlife.
Yeah, that's what would happen, I would be stuck in time, just watching the two of you fucking for all eternity, only stopping long enough to switch positions, like the mad tea party in Alice in Wonderland. I wonder if after a while I would ever get to choose which moment to watch? Like, if I was really good and didn't cause trouble, do you think I'd get to choose what tea party I could attend?
No, I suppose you wouldn't think so; you always were pretty pragmatic about things, weren't you?
As it stands, I'm really in a living hell now without you. When I close my eyes I see the two of you behind them, laughing and smiling at each other. His hands running through your beautiful blonde hair, yours caressing his traitorous cheek lovingly.
I tried to forget you the other day, just closed my eyes against the tears and told myself that you were never part of my heart, that I didn't love you. It turned out like it always does, me crying harder and missing you more. Just like today.
Especially today.
I bet he bought you all kinds of pretty things this year, didn't he? Bought you so much that you have no room for it all. No room in your life or heart for me.
Do you even remember what our Christmas' were like? I can't forget them, no matter how hard I try. It's like my brain is just frozen in the that place and time, frozen on the love I used to see in your eyes for me. Frozen on our first Christmas and how wonderful I felt that day.
Frozen on our love.
I can see you walking around the other side of the lake, and my heart just stops. I know that you shouldn't be here, that you can't stay long, but at least you came this time. I know I just keep making this harder on myself, that I could probably move on with my life if I just let you go. I can't though. I can't pretend that seeing you isn't the only thing I live for anymore.
"Sorry it took so long" you say "I had to divert Hunter's attention long enough to slip away."
Ouch. You still don't tell him it's me you sneak out to see every Christmas. Makes me wonder why you even bother coming at all.
"No worries, I understand." Yeah, sure I do.
"I can't stay long." You voice catches, and for an instant I can tell you are frozen in that time, back at our first Christmas when we were both nervous and awkward around each other.
"I know. But I wish you could stay forever, Chris." No wonder we can't seem to break out of the past, we keep repeating it over and over again every year.
"Me too, Sweetcheeks." Pain flashes across your pretty blue eyes, and I just wish we could be frozen like this forever.
We don't speak for a long time, and just as I was beginning to think my wish had come true, you reached in your pocket and withdrew a small package and handed it to me.
"It's not much, but I wanted you to have it."
"It doesn't matter what it is," I tell him "Being together is all the gift I need." He smiles at me, and I think that's why he gives me the same gift every year- just so I will say those words.
We walk around the lake to the little cabin on the other side. I know he's going to have to leave soon, but I want to make the most of the short time we have together.
After all, it is more than I could wish for.
