There's a smile on his face, and for the first time in a long time it's a happy smile. I haven't seen a smile like that in god knows how long. That smile used to belong to me. In a far off world, in a far off dream, that smile was mine. Then I had to fuck things all up, like I usually do, and I lost that smile forever.
Oh, he pretended he still loved me, but I knew he didn't. I could tell by the way he would inspect his fingers, or the way he would look over my shoulders instead of into my eyes. He didn't love me then, and I'm sure he pretended to because he was afraid if he told me the truth then I'd fall again, fall back to the drugs, and he didn't want to be the reason I did it.
I tried to tell him how much I loved him, that it wasn't his fault, but he was probably tired of hearing that after all these years. I mean, I always told him that. I always told him I loved him, and he would pretend everything was ok. I guess I knew it wasn't, but I really did love him, I just never really knew how to show him how much.
And now it's too late to show him.
Hunter and Sean are talking to me, but they know I'm not listening. They just keep talking so I'll know that they know what I'm going through. And they do know. They've been there so many times that I lost count. So they know not to tell me it's going to be ok, because they still aren't ok.
Sean still gets misty-eyed when he sees Shane, and Hunter can't even look Steve in the eye when they aren't working. They think they’re over it all, but I know better, because I'm the one that sees it. Not that they haven't let go, because I know they have. Neither one of them has had a stable committed relationship in who knows how long, and I guess that's their way of dealing with it.
I don't know how I'm dealing with seeing Billy so damn happy as Chuck runs his thumb across that beautiful cheek. I mean, it's not like Billy hasn't ever left me before, but it's different this time. This time Billy's happy. He doesn't have a reason to come back to me, and every damn reason not to.
The DJ calls out my number, and I slowly rise up off my chair and take the mic. Time for me to deal with this my way, I think, as the music keys up. Billy looks up at me, and for a moment I see the Billy I first met, the Billy who loved me. But it's a different kind of love, now, and not nearly as beautiful as the love I can see in his eyes when Chuck takes his hand and moves him to the dance floor when I begin to sing.
Ain't no talkin to this man
Ain't no pretty other side
Ain't no way to understand the stupid words of pride
It would take an acrobat, and I already tried all that
I'm gonna let him fly
Things can move at such a pace
The second hand just waved goodbye
You know the light has left his face
But you can't recall just where or why
So there was really nothing to it
I just went and cut right through it
I said "I'm gonna let him fly yeah"
There's no mercy in a live wire
No rest at all in freedom
The choices we are given it's no choice at all
The proof is in the fire
You touch before it moves away yeah
But you must always know how long to stay and when to go
And there ain't no talkin to this man
He's been tryin to tell me so
It took awhile to understand the beauty of just letting go
Cause it would take an acrobat, and I already tried all that
I'm gonna let him fly...I'm gonna let him fly, fly
Ooooo, I'm gonna let him fly, fly
Oooooooh
I'm gonna let him fly
Time to give Billy his wings.
