And where are we, exactly? I've been sitting here nursing this drink, trying to figure out just that. We say we love each other, we even act like it sometimes. We just can't seem to get it together.
You know what I think the problem is? We've shared the same bed, liked the same things, lived for each other for two years now and we still have no idea who the other person is.
I know you love to wake up bright eyed and bushy tailed in the morning, and you know I love to stay up passed dawn. I know you love French films with subtitles, and you know I love action movies in English. I know you love classic rock, and you know I love anything I can mosh to. I know you love me, and you know I love you.
Is knowing we love each other enough to take us through the next four decades and have us sitting on a porch swing growing old together? Because the moment I first saw you, that's what I saw in the back of my mind- you and me on the swing, our flower garden to the right, dog to the left, growing old together.
After the first year I could still see it, but I could also see a future that didn't include us sitting on that swing. A future that didn't see us sitting anywhere together, but I ignored that vision. I knew love would see us through. We had so much of it for each other that it just *had* to see us through.
We made mistakes. I drank to much and you were unfaithful. Hell, maybe my drinking is what drove you to the comfort of someone else's bed, or maybe your fucking around drove me to drinking. Who the fuck knows? What has blaming each other gotten us? Right back where we are now, that's where.
I don't think my love is enough to hold it together anymore. I don't think your love is enough to hold it together anymore either, and yes- I know you love me. That doesn't make my heart break any less. Doesn't keep from wondering what it is you do when you're "out with the boys." Doesn't make you not wonder what I do while we are apart, either. Doesn't help us understand what we feel.
Do you even know what I feel, Chris? When I talk to you, get mad at you for spending the night with whoever it happens to be this week and swear it was platonic, do you know how that makes me feel? Waiting on a call that I never got, waiting until almost five in the evening for you to even bother to email me, do you know what my mind does in that time?
Oh, when we do see each other for more than a couple hours, you are quick to say "I love you" and "I've missed you" but that's all we ever seem to talk about. It's not like we don't get to see each other everyday, you know. Just because it doesn't last as long as we want it to, doesn't really mean that all we should do is fret on it, does it?
I try talking to you, telling you how I feel about the way things are, and you just don't seem to get it. Maybe you don't want to get it.
We are so opposite sometimes it's hard for me to see why we even bothered trying to make it work in the first place. Up until this point I would have answered love, but now I know it has to be more. Love isn't doing a damn thing to stop this void that's growing between us. Or maybe we just tried to hard to make *something* work in our lives.
Maybe we never belonged together in the first place.
Do you know what the answers are? Are you wondering these same things? Why won't you open up to me, Chris? Why can't you tell me what this is like for you? I can't guess, and I'm not a mind reader. All I can go on is that you say you love me, you need me, want to spend the rest of your life with me, and then you act totally fucking contradictory to what you say. Do you even know what you really feel and want? Do you know that I am slowly drifting into insanity because I have no idea? And do you even care?
There it is. All my fears and insecurities spilled on the floor, open for dissection. No more avoidance, no more denial. No more guessing games. I've put the ball in your park, Chris. It's up to you what you do with it. I hope you do the right thing, whatever that may be. If it means we're through, I will deal with it. I just have to know...
I have to know how you feel.
