I hadn't seen Amy for who knows until this week. I didn't go over to her, even though we are supposed to be "together". I didn't rush up to hug her, ask her how she's doing, tell her I missed her while I was gone. We had broken it off, but didn't tell anyone. Not even you.
Some things never change.
When she walked into my hotel room, I didn't really acknowledge it one way or the other. Yeah, I missed her. Yeah, she looked good. She smelled good too, god damn it. You know how important that is to me. I tried to ignore her, and it wasn't that hard, not really. I was talking with someone I'd rather clean grout off a tub with than spend my time doing anything with Amy.
I was talking to you.
I really hadn't planned on sleeping with Amy again, it was just one of those things that happened and I didn't stop. It seemed like a good idea at the time, ya know? Of course, it wasn't a good idea in any way shape form or fashion. It didn't click, it wasn't there. Hell, I'm not sure it was ever there between us...
Things went a lot better between her and I than I expected it would. We talked on a civil level, got quite a few things cleared, some closure, and I stopped trying to convince myself that I loved her and not someone else. Well, I got all that. I think she got the fact that we fucked, she's perfect, and that I'm an asshole. All the next day she tried to be all clingy and lovey, like we were magically back together and in love. We fucked. Nothing more than that. I told her that, and she still acted like all was well in Wonderland.
So we go through the day, and I settle down to talk to you. I'm an asshole, I know. I shoulda spent time with Amy, I talked to you as if Amy wasn't even here. Because even though she was here, she wasn't here. I mean, I know she was here because we laughed and watched old wrestling tapes and all that shit. But in truth, I didn't care
. Yeah, I'm glad we got some shit aired. Yeah, I'm glad I got to see her. The fact of the matter is, I know she didn't mean a damn thing she said in our conversations. She was saying whatever she thought would do to get me to take her back like I always did.
Sometimes I think Alice is never going to wake up, ya know? I told her it was nothing more than fucking for me. That it was over. That I didn't get the knot in the pit of my stomach. I told her the truth, and she smiled that fake smile and said the same things back at me, just as I had expected her to.
The thing is, I didn't want her back. I didn't want *her* at all. Haven't for a while. Haven't loved her, haven't needed her. I used her to avoid what was really going on inside me. At all costs I avoided admitting to myself, letting myself believe that I had fallen irrevocably and totally dependently in love with a woman that had no idea at all what she does to me. How fucking insane she made me just by being.
That woman is you.
I've always been in control of myself. I'm not one to take orders, not one to pine away listlessly with a broken wrist. I've never hid my thoughts or feelings from anyone. I'm not obsessive. I'm not possessive. I've never let anything or anyone consume me so completely that nothing else matters.
But fuck me if that's not what I was doing. You had become my life, my breath, my reason for being. And I hated her for that even as I loved you for it. The more I loved you, the more I hated her, and the more I holed up inside myself. I stopped eating, stopped sleeping, stopped caring about anything else. That's how bad it was, how bad I let it be, how bad you made me. I pretty much stalked your every move, got pissed when it wasn't me that you were focused on for any reason.
Possessive of a possession I didn't have. All out of fear. Fear of being wrong. Fear of being rejected. Fear of being alone. Fear of the fact that it wasn't Amy I wanted.
And it wasn't. Hadn't been for a long time. The more I looked at her, the more I realized she wasn't the person I wanted her to be. The more I looked at Amy, the more I despised her for not being you.
That's why I slept with Amy again that night. I wanted to purge all that out and make it all fit together the way it was supposed to. I convinced myself that it was *supposed* to be Amy that made me all crazy and my insides go gooey. But you know what? Even while I was doing that, it wasn't Amy I was with. I closed my eyes and it wasn't her face I saw. It wasn't her voice in my ear, her skin on mine. Wasn't her nestled between my thighs.
Yeah, that's pretty shitty, I know, and I really don't care. That's what happened. That's how it had been for a long time. Sometimes I'm surprised I could even remember to call Amy by her own name just when talking to her, let alone while fucking her.
I fucking hate you and I fucking love you and I fucking crave you more than the air that I breathe. Am I still scared? Hell fucking yeah I am. But the fear's part of it, and I'm fine with that now. Is it as all consuming as it was? Yes, but not because I can't help it. More like because I've made peace with it, came clean so to speak. Like you've always been a part of me, even when you weren't and vice-versa.
I wish I had had this epiphany before, when it mattered. You know, before I tossed the most precious thing in the world aside for the glitz. Well, for what I thought was glitz. It turns out it was shit.
The hardest part for me is that we're still friends, you and I. We don't hang out, party, or socialize, but instead spent hours talking on the phone. You talk about your new life, I talk about mine, and we lie about being happy. I don't know for sure you lied, but I do. I could tell. Your tone of voice, the way your laughter would fade into a sigh the same as mine did.
I don't know why I thought she'd make me happy. Not real sure why I didn't want to believe it was you that made my world go 'round. I'm sure you'll tell me when it happened and why...You are everything she's not, and she's everything you're not, though most people think she's what should make me happy. They applauded me, in fact, for leaving you and running to her. Said she was perfect for me, that she could get me where I wanted to be. And I bought it. All of it. Thought that I wanted her connections, her outgoing personality. I thought she was smart, and pretty and everything I wanted by my side. And I'm not impressed one damn bit.
God damn it, you, I miss you. I miss your laugh, your smile. I miss the woman only I got to see behind closed doors. How your mouth would make a sailor blush. Your unkempt hair and three day old mascara caked to your lashes. Those ratty ass sweatpants I swore I'd burn if you wore them one more time. The whining about not spending enough time with you. The pout when I don't say I love you after you'd tell me you love me. The way you'd cling to me as if your very life depended on it, literally and figuratively. I miss how comfortable you make me, how broken in we are. I miss the very thing I thought I didn't want.
You and everything about you.
I don't care about connections or contacts. I don't care how smart she is or how pretty and perfect she is. Because she's not any of those things. She's fake and washed out. She stupid because she thinks appearance and opinion matter. Everyone else may think those things of you, but they don't know the real you because you don't let them see it. They only know the front she puts on, the down to earth, unselfish bullshit she wants them to see. But I know the reality. I know she's not what I have to have running through my veins to keep me alive and sturdy, and you are.
You are you, and I can't function without you. I can't *be* without you. I crave you. I need you. I want you. Please...
~*~
The voice choked on the last word, and matching tears fell freely down both of their faces, one of porcelain white the other goldenly tanned. A silence hovered around the two now that the speech was over, thick enough to be a tangible thing all on it's own.
"Please... You know my pride never allows me to ask for anything from anyone, but I'm *begging* you now, please... Please take me back? I will be however you want me to be, do whatever you need me to do...I love you, Trish..."
The voice caught again, and brown eyes frantically searched for something, begging for a response, any response, from the hazel pools that were downcast at the floor beneath them. Ever so slowly, she rose her head to meet the chocolate implorers.
"Yes, " a tiny whisper choked out of the blonde's mouth, taken aback by the words she had never heard from the woman before her. "I love you too, Lisa. Make me comfortable again."
Comfortable - John Mayer
I just remembered that time at the market
snuck up behind me and jumped on my shopping cart
and rolled down aisle five
you looked behind you to smile back at me
and crashed into a rack full of magazines
they asked us if we could leave
I can't remember what went wrong last September
though I'm sure you'd remind me if you had to
our love was comfortable and so broken in
I sleep with this new girl I'm still getting used to
my friends all approve, say "she's gonna be good for you"
they throw me high fives
she says the Bible is all that she reads
and prefers that I not use profanity
your mouth was so dirty
life of the party and she swears that she's artsy
but you could distinguish Miles from Coltrane
our love was comfortable and so broken in
she's perfect
so flawless
or so they say
she thinks I can't see the smile that she's faking
and poses for pictures that aren't being taken
I loved you
grey sweatpants
no makeup
so perfect
our love was comfortable and so broken in
she's perfect or so they say
so flawless
I'm not impressed
I want you back
